Apparently "American Idol" is a singing competition after all, because sparkly Jordin came away with the win on Wednesday over beatboxing Blake. Not that I got to see it, because the already-bloated results show ran so far over that my TiVo didn't catch the ending. Note to producers: The "American Idol" finale is not the Oscars. You could have cut a Golden Idol or two to make sure everybody saw the moment we've been waiting for since, you know, January.

Since I didn't get to see the big finish for myself, I'm going to assume the following things happened: Jordin cried, then Paula cried, then David Hasselhoff cried, then we got the big "This is My Now" singout. Correct me if I'm wrong.

For the record, I'm glad Jordin won; I think she'll be a very marketable pop star, and she'll be able to work well within the "Idol" constraints. Blake, on the other hand, will do just fine on his own. Normally, I'd be worried about someone so young taking on all the pressures of winning "Idol" — isn't Jordin the first to win while still in high school? — but she's grown up with fame, and she seems grounded enough to handle all the attention that's going to come her way now. I don't think I'll be buying her album, but I'm sure a lot of people will.

While I didn't get to see the coronation ceremony, I did get to see two looooong hours of filler, so for all the time-sucking, dignity-stealing details,

  • Oh, so there's the Gwen Stefani performance they promised but failed to deliver during "Idol Gives Back." Gee, thanks.
  • Frankly, I'm amazed that Kelly Clarkson performed. That makes two "Idol" appearances in as many months for the girl who once attempted to cut all ties with the show. I guess you'll do anything when you have a new single to promote. And besides, I'm never going to complain about a chance to watch my Kelly.
  • I haaaaate the Golden Idols. Hate them. There's a reason I try to avoid watching the auditions, and it's that I don't want to indulge the crazies. The Golden Idols are all about indulging the crazies. I did not need to see Margaret Fowler shaking her tailfeather while making out with Seacrest. Frankly, I did not need to see Margaret Fowler again ever.
  • The Doug E. Fresh / Blake performance gave me serious "White Rapper Show" flashbacks. Man, I miss that show.
  • Melinda proved she can hold her own with BeBe and CeCe Winans. She looked fantastic and sounded better. And she's not the "American Idol" because... ?
  • Taylor Hicks: Making "I just stepped in poo" faces on "American Idol" since 2006.
  • It's official: The world did not need more Sanjaya. And Ashley Ferl was totally faking the tears this time.
  • In theory, I liked the idea of the pimpomercial filled with blooper-reel footage from other pimpomercials — but they should have used a fun, upbeat song, not "Time After Time."
  • Do the "Idol" winners always get cars? Is that really necessary? Can Jordin even drive?
  • Was it just me or did Carrie Underwood sound absolutely awful? I usually love her voice, but I thought she sounded screechy and reedy and terrible. And I did not understand her outfit at all; it looked like the top and back of a prom dress, worn over jeans.
  • On the topic of bad singing, Bette Midler was shockingly off-key, and also wearing what appeared to be a pleather miniskirt.
  • Clive Davis said the big "Idol" news of the year was "the huge explosion of Chris Daughtry." Heh. How do you stop an exploding man, again?
  • Does the Sgt. Pepper tribute explain Randy's fashion choices on Tuesday? There was a little part of me that expected a big "Idol" shocker where Paul McCartney would suddenly appear on stage, but ... no.
  • Votes cast this week: 74 million, which Seacrest said was a new record.
  • And that's our season. It started dull and ended dull, with a few fun moments, a gigundo charity special and a ponyhawk in between. I would say this must be the year that "Idol" took an irreversible turn for the worse, but here's the thing: When Season 7 starts up in January, I know I'll still be watching.
  • Photos courtesy of Fox