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"American Idol": My Thorougly Uneducated Predictions

"American Idol": My Thorougly Uneducated Predictions

I never bother tuning into "American Idol" until Hollywood Week — that way, I get to skip the freak show of the auditions while still catching some of the truly awful contestants on their way out. As soon as the top 24 are announced every year, I make a snap judgment about the winner. I totally picked Carrie Underwood, but I've failed miserably every other year.

This year I'm putting my guesses out there for public ridicule. Based on about 10 seconds of singing per contestant, I've made my picks for the top 12 and set my heart on the big winner. Let us all promise to look back on this list and laugh. To see my choices and my totally blind pick for the next American Idol,

The Guys

  • Sundance Head: After hearing him warble his way through Hollywood, I'm not sure how he's gotten this far — so I might as well assume he'll be a baffling entry in the top 12.

  • Blake Lewis: Please, please, please, can we have a beatboxing American Idol? That would so vindicate this show for me.

  • Sanjaya Malakar: Fulfilling our cute, young boy quota for the year.

  • Brandon Rogers: We got a lot of babble about him being a backup singer ready to step into the spotlight, which makes me gag, so I'm a little ashamed to say I really like his voice.

  • Paul Kim: His "thing" is to perform barefoot, and also to wear the same pair of underwear on every elimination day. Maybe I'm underestimating people, but I think that's the kind of gimmick America goes for.

  • Jared Cotter: He gets a spot solely because he didn't sing "Some Kind of Wonderful" like every. other. single. contestant.

The Girls

  • Gina Glocksen: She's got style, and because she made it to Hollywood in Season 5, she's already got fans.

  • Jordin Sparks: Fulfilling this year's teenage girl with a voice beyond her years quota.

  • Melinda Doolittle: Background singer, ready to shine, blah blah.

  • Stephanie Edwards: Just a hunch. But she has a cool voice and a good look for "Idol."

  • Amy Krebs: She seems kind of sassy. I like that.

  • Antonella Barba: Someone who bugs the daylights out of me always seems to make it through.

The Top Three
Brandon, Blake, Stephanie

And the next American Idol will be ...
Stephanie. Sorry, Blake, I still love you.

Photos courtesy of Fox

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