In this week's Desperate Housewives, we learn how "life as we know it can change in a heartbeat." Ian's comatose wife, Jane, has taken a turn for the worse, and Ian continues to have trust issues with Susan, accusing her of being obsessed with freeing Mike from jail. Indeed, Susan does not approve of the new lawyer's plan of action: having Mike plead guilty to murdering Monique.
Upon hearing that newly wealthy Zach Young is interested in Gaby, Susan begs Gaby to go out with Zach and ask him to hire a better lawyer for Mike. Gaby is reluctant to help, as Zach recently added yet another item to his Super Creep resume: He paid off the beauty pageant judges so Gaby's student would win. Annoyed, Gaby wants little to do with Zach, but eventually agrees to Susan's plan.
Gaby pays Zach a visit and tells him he can take her to dinner and he will pay for a new lawyer. Zach doesn't care for her terms and starts negotiating. Soon the two are bartering like old ladies at an open air market. Zach says he could post Mike's $1 million bail, if Gaby will spend the day with him and throw in a good night kiss. Gaby reluctantly says she'll do it. To find out what else happens,
Meanwhile, Bree shows Orson the teeth she found in Alma's house and wants to call the police, exhibiting a remarkably naive belief in her dentist husband's innocence. Orson phones his mother, Gloria, saying, "I know what you and Alma are up to and it has to stop." He then visits Alma and says that the teeth implicate her just as much as him, so she can forget about blackmailing him into getting back together. They then have this particularly cold exchange:
Alma: "If we'd had a child we'd still be together."
Orson: "I know. That's why I stopped trying."
Tom Scavo freaks out because his manager quits on the day of the street fair, when the pizzeria is supposed to be serving its first pizzas. Lynette pretends to still be too injured to work so she can work the street fair. When her boss, Ed, shows up to bring her to work, she convincingly acts as though her arm pain makes her nauseous. Wiping something off her mouth, she says weakly, "That's just a little residual vomit." Ed later comes back to the house with a get-well gift, and Kayla, being her vindictive little self, tells on Lynette to Ed, who promptly finds Lynette having a ball at the street fair and fires her. Lynette begs for her job back, and Ed re-hires her, but before long Lynette quits to manage of Scavo's Pizzeria.
Over in prison, Paul informs the amnesic Mike that Mike has a son, Paul's adopted son Zach. Paul asks Mike, as Zach's father, to convince Zach to visit Paul in jail, claiming that Zach is all he has left, and that he will always love him. Mike says that's a hell of a favor.
Out of town on business, Ian learns that Jane won't make it much longer and asks Susan to go to Jane's side. Once Susan gets to the hospital, she finds Jane's friend Erica, who tells Susan that Jane cheated on Ian, thus making Ian's trust issues more understandable.
In jollier news, Gaby and Zach's date goes surprisingly well, and Gaby really enjoys herself. She does not, however, enjoy Zach chewing on her face during their good-night kiss. Snarling at him, Gaby asks him who taught him that kissing like that was okay. Zach implies that he's hired women in the past, and then grows quiet. Gaby presses for more, saying, "You just vacuumed my tonsils, I deserve to know where that mouth has been!" But Zach only hurries off into his limo.
Later that night, Gaby goes to Zach's house to find him moodily strumming his guitar. He says he's sick of buying people, so Gaby tells him to stop paying them. She offers to be his friend (his "friend-friend, not girlfriend"), saying that they're both adrift. Zach grins, and plays her a song on his guitar.
On the other side of Creeptown, USA, Orson's mother and Alma have concocted an elaborate scheme to get Orson to sleep with Alma. Alma pretends she's tried to kill herself, and Gloria calls Orson over and offers him a drink that's drugged. Alma sits up in bed and removes her fake bandages. Orson asks his mother what it is she wants. "What every mother wants," she replies, "a grandchild." Then, in probably the creepiest moment yet this season, Alma disrobes in front of her ex-husband and ex-mother-in-law, revealing bright red lingerie. Gloria, beaming, says she'll leave them in private. Alma then informs Orson that she put two pills in his drink: one to make him sleepy and one to make him aroused. Later that night, Bree waltzes over to Alma's house, finds Alma in bed with a passed out Orson, and shrieks at Alma, "You raped my husband!" before decking her.
When Mike returns to his house, Zach is standing on his porch, and asks if he remembers him. Mike says, "Not really." Zach gets ready to leave and Mike asks him if he'll go visit Paul in prison. Once there, Paul appears tense and nervous, and says that Felicia Tillman (the woman Paul is accused of killing) faked her death, and if Zach will only lend him some money, he could hire someone to find her. Zach gives Paul an intense speech about how he needs to learn how to say "no" when people ask him for money, since he now has a beautiful girlfriend (meaning Gaby) who he intends to make his wife, adding, "She has expensive tastes." Before leaving, however, he turns to the father who raised him and says, "I do forgive you, though... Paul."
This episode gave me the heebie-jeebies in more ways than one! I can't wait for the next episode to see how the stories continue. Until then, tell me: What did you think of this week's "Desperate Housewives"?
Photos courtesy of ABC