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Gossip Girl Recap: Episode 17, "Carnal Knowledge"

Gossip Girl Rundown: Episode 17, "Carnal Knowledge"

There's a fine line between confident, scheming Blair and petulant, tantrum-throwing Blair, and on this week's episode of Gossip Girl, we get a huge helping of the latter. Frankly, the whole pouty-lower-lip-for-daddy routine wore on my last nerve. I want to see Blair's misguided attempts at standing up for friends and getting what she wants, not stomping her foot and whining. But Blair is actually the least of my concerns this episode, as Dan and the teacher make one idiotic move after another. Let's discuss — just


  • Blair is officially on detention and has to clean up the park (Dorota does this, naturally) and whines to Serena about how sucky Rachel is. But Serena doesn't agree and tells Blair how much this new teacher "gets" her. Ha!
  • It's funny, cause you know who teacher really gets? Dan. And she's gushing to him about his short story over breakfast where Serena catches them. Because that's appropriate — breakfast with teacher.
  • Meanwhile, Chuck awakes to a new morning perplexed because he's having flashbacks to an Eyes Wide Shut evening that he doesn't remember. But there's sex! And masks! He must find out what this place is!
  • Back at school, Rachel says she hopes Blair learned a lesson out there in the park, to which Blair responds sarcastically, "I made friends with a family of squirrels and had lots of time to think."
  • Meanwhile, Serena confronts Dan about spending time with the teacher and Dan's all, "you crazy." And Serena's all, "Silly me, I should trust you."
  • Blair's on the warpath against Rachel and summons her girls to help take her down, but they refuse: "Sorry B, this is your vendetta." Even a hilarious speech about liberty and all that they've worked for doesn't help.
  • Until, of course, the announcement comes that cell phones are now banned from school. Whose fault is this? Rachel's, of course! Hazel, Nelly and those other ones in their bright coats are all officially on board to take Rachel down.
  • Hazel gets the shakes because she can't check Gossip Girl ("Is a scandal still a scandal if you can't text about it?") while Nelly mumbles something about checking the Dow.
  • But ha! Dorota shows up in disguise (dark sunglasses) to give Blair her cell phone. The other girls: "Thank you, Jesus!" Blair: "No. Thank you, Blair."
  • And then Blair spots stupid Dan complimenting the teacher's stupid sweater while she blushes. Blushing is not appropriate, people! She immediately texts Gossip Girl a Mary Kay Letourneau alert with her contraband phone.
  • Chuck, Nate, and Vanessa apparently have no use for school and are figuring out where Chuck went the other night. When they appear at a mysterious address, Vanessa muses, "Is this the Chuck Bass version of Narnia?"
  • OK, so after there's a rumor going around that Rachel is having an inappropriate relationship with Dan, and after she uses the rumor to get Blair expelled, she then deems it appropriate to go have a candle-lit meet up with Dan? After hours?! Dan and this teacher are really, really stupid.
  • Blair almost loses Yale, but then Serena turns on Rachel too and works a little phone-camera magic. One parents' council meeting and one snappy Damages reference later, Rachel's fired.
  • So, she and Dan hook up, because she's already fired for the hugging, so why not? But then she's not fired, so, uh, whoops. Could they pack in more plot twists last night? Sheesh.

You know, this is good. Dan and Rachel's "courtship" makes zero sense, but it's a heck of a lot better than Dan and Serena talking out their "issues" all. the. time. Meanwhile, what do you think about Chuck's subplot? It made me laugh at first (the cheesy flashbacks, Chuck's melodramatic tone) but then I felt a bit bored. Time to sound off!

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Photos courtesy of The CW

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