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Halloween: Boring and Predictable

I'm trying to figure out who will sincerely enjoy this newest spin on the Halloween movies, created by Rob Zombie. Surely, some dudes will like the naked girls — some of whom get slashed and brutalized whilst naked because, you know, that's hot. Meanwhile, there is absolutely no male nudity because that would be "gay," I guess. But as far as horror films go, this one lacks suspense almost entirely, relying on loud noises to make you jump and an extraneously high body count without any kind of intriguing lead up to the murders. So, if you think senseless violence is cool and can endure almost two hours of shrill screaming, then you may enjoy this pointless version of Halloween.

Purportedly, this version is supposed to be a kind of remake of the first Halloween movie while also providing some back story on the young, disturbed Michael Meyers who became a ruthless killer on account of both his crazy little mind and his trashy upbringing. After some general bullying at school on account of his mother being a stripper, little f-ed up Michael Meyers graphically beats the snot out of one of his schoolyard tyrants. I guess he finds this to his liking because he then goes on to off most of his family and his sister's boyfriend. He spares his mother and baby sister for unexplained reasons (except that he's just so demented, see?). That's not all there is to this "madness," though, so

Psychopath Michael Meyers is sent to an institution where he meets the kindly Dr. Samuel Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) who tries to help him, but gives up on Michael after fifteen years. By the fifteen year mark, Michael is a giant who doesn't talk and spends his time making papier-mache masks for his face. That Halloween, the institution's guards decide to move the noiseless giant who swiftly demonstrates his superhuman strength (mask-making builds muscles like you would not believe) and goes on a killing spree, trying to get to his baby sister. Despite all traces of her life as a Meyers child being wiped from the books, Michael somehow tracks her down and kills or traumatizes all the people in her life before finally reaching her.

The satisfying thing about the first Halloween movie, toward which Zombie makes several nods in his film without actually achieving the first movie's success, is how tense it is with terrible things that may or may not happen. When a monstrous, bloodthirsty he-man just gruesomely murders everyone in his path — and nobody has even the slightest chance of survival against him — it's not so much suspenseful as it is biding one's time until the body count includes the entire cast. The tidbits of information on Michael Meyers' childhood are not interesting enough to make the movie worthwhile. Simply put, it's boring.

Photos courtesy of The Weinstein Company

Join The Conversation
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
um like i said....wont go see it
Amanda-La Amanda-La 9 years
ddene5713: That's hilarious, poor thing, I live in Texas let me guess you live in CA? I've heard the movie prices there (along with everything else) are outrageous.
lorenashley lorenashley 9 years
i actually liked "house of 100 corpses" and "the devils rejects" i wouldn't pay to see them though.
lorenashley lorenashley 9 years
yeah i think i'm going to keep my money in my pocket.
ddene5713 ddene5713 9 years
amanda... $8?! Where do you live? i spend $10.25 to see a movie. ::jealous::
Amanda-La Amanda-La 9 years
Also BUZZ thank you for your review because I was out with my Mother-in-Law yesterday and I suggested seeing it just for fun, I am so sick of horror movies that have no substance or anything to keep me in suspense ala Chainsaw Massacre. Thanks to you I'll be saving my eight bucks for something more entertaining like a car wash.
Amanda-La Amanda-La 9 years
Firefly, Snobby? Ugh you remind me of my sister-in-Law Blech. I agree with Hollybeebo I think it's sick how they portray rape and ripping people apart as a form of entertainment and also Firefly, I really doubt that anybody as intelligent as BUZZ would have a hard time "getting" someone that films naked people being ripped to shreds perhaps she's just above it.
Entertainment Entertainment 9 years
SweetFirefly: Thanks so much for explaining what a horror film is! In case it wasn't clear, I really liked the first Halloween movie — which also happens to be a horror movie — and I think it was a successful one. The fact that I disliked Rob Zombie's movie doesn't make me a snob, actually. And yes, I'm aware that horror films are violent, what I actually said was that it was violent without being suspenseful, so what's the point? And yes, I'm also aware that horror films often have "naked chicks," yet that doesn't mean that I can't disagree with that particular aspect of the genre and think that it's boring and unoriginal. It's like he just wanted an excuse to do a movie with a lot of pointless gore and naked chicks, without really caring about anything else, like real tension. It doesn't need to be Oscar-worthy, but I think a horror film should at least have enough suspense to make it worth the money.
mrskrismendoza mrskrismendoza 9 years
I still want to see this. But I think I will wait for it to come on t.v.
bethiesny bethiesny 9 years
I just got back from seeing this at the drive-in. The original is my favorite horror movie of all time, so I was interested to see what Zombie would do with it. The answer? Ruin it! Rob failed to understand what made the original so good: that Michael started killing for reasons we can't understand, and Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode. The girl who played Laurie? Generic, screechy, not nearly tough enough. Jamie Lee is still the Scream Queen in my heart. And as for the reasons why Michael kills? It's way more effective if he has a normal upbringing and a nice little family and then just SNAPS. But Zombie gave him a stripper mom and a nasty step-father and all the usual junk that creates a killer (second Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, anyone?). And the swearing! I think Mikey went nuts just because he heard the F-word so many times. :-) I don't mind Zombie as a horror filmmaker, but he needs to keep his hands off the classics! Thanks for the dead-on review, Buzz!
Emiily Emiily 9 years
I wanted to see it, but thanks Buzz Sugar for changing my mind. I know I wouldn't have liked it. I can't stand scary movies that are just loud and bloody. Are they any good thrillers come out anytime soon though that you'd recommend seeing? I haven't been to the movies in ages, because everything looks like it's going to suck.
demeter demeter 9 years
What are you guys talking about?! Rob Zombie is brilliant, his movies are amazing and anything to do with Michael Myers is worth watching so I can't wait to see this!
SweetFirefly SweetFirefly 9 years
With Rob Zombie films, either you get him or you really, really don't. He's a genius at making horror films! Note, I said HORROR films. Horror films aren't designed to win Oscars. They're violent, scary fun. That's it. Oh yeah, and most horror films include naked chicks. That's just the way horror films have been traditionally set up. It always amuses me when a critic takes a snobby approach to a horror film. You shouldn't go in expecting to see a movie that's going to be award winning. You're going in for scary entertainment. Rob Zombie always delivers. He's the current king of horror. His movies are well thought out and actually have a plot to them. If you can't handle violence, then you shouldn't go see them.
jsknutson jsknutson 9 years
There are so many bad things in the real world. I sort of stick to the feel good movies. Again, note my fondness of Reese. Serioiusly though, scary movies have no appeal for me.
ddene5713 ddene5713 9 years
technically halloween was never remade before... each movie was more of an extension to the michael myers story. the newest one before rob zombies version of the first Halloween, "Halloween H20: 20 Years Later," was just like it sounds in the title... a look at Michael 20 years later after trying to kill Jamie Lee Curtis aka his "sister" in the first movie. There were 8 Halloween's before Rob Zombie made the newer one. It was never a remake of any of them til now.
Pokemyhontas Pokemyhontas 9 years
How many of these have been made now? I've lost count. *LOL*
Black-Velveteen Black-Velveteen 9 years
How may times are they going to remake this movie?!! This is just the same slashfest being rehashed over &over again. Same goes for 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' & 'The Hills Have Eyes' :oy:
tralalala tralalala 9 years
I'm still planning on seeing this. I think Rob Zombie does a great job directing (House of 1000 Corpses might not have been to stellar, but Devil's Rejects was AWESOME and his Grindhouse trailer was brilliant) and I totally trust him to do Halloween justice
carolbob carolbob 9 years
Um yeah, hasn't this been done before? I mean why would you want to add more gore to something already gory enough?
leeluvfashion leeluvfashion 9 years
I still want to see this since I like senseless violence,lol. Everyone will have a opinion and really the only way to find out if you'll like it is to a) go see it or b) wait until pay-per-view. I might go w/ choice B; i don't know.
darkoblivion darkoblivion 9 years
I just got back from seeing it. I was NOT impressed and I've always been a huge Michael Myers fan. There was so much wrong with this movie that I wouldn't even know where to begin. Rob Zombie needs to just STOP.
penguins268 penguins268 9 years
Wow! You really hated this movie! I'm surprised you gave in any stars!
Hootie Hootie 9 years
Rats, another classic ruined! Just like Psycho!!
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