My fellow "House" fans, are you as frustrated as I am with the scheduling for this show? I understand "American Idol" is Fox's cash cow, and I know "House" doesn't depend much on continuity, but still. We’ve had just four new episodes this year, and now the show’s gone again until March 27 — though Fox promises a string of nine new episodes once it’s back.
To tide us over, we got not one but two medical mysteries in "Half Wit." House treats a savant who has trouble buttoning his shirt but can play the piano expertly. The team, however, is more concerned with some disturbing information they’ve discovered about House. To hear all about it,
Our patient of the week is Patrick, played by a surprisingly un-annoying Dave Matthews. Patrick was hit by a truck at age 4 and emerged with brain damage but a genius-level skill at the piano — until his hand suddenly tenses up during a performance. In true "House" fashion, Patrick actually develops more problems in the hospital, but he gets to play a duet with House and star in some nasty scenes where holes get drilled in his head.
But the team isn't really focused on Patrick, because they’re too busy worrying about House. Cameron discovers plane tickets to Boston in House’s mail — who, exactly, gets plane tickets in the mail anymore? — and assumes House is interviewing for a job. Foreman reveals that he saw House drawing a vial of his own blood for the lab. Then Chase and Cameron break into House's place (side note: apparently the microwave pizza sex is going well) and find a phone bill that includes a call to Massachusetts General Hospital. They tell Cuddy, who learns that House is going to see a brain cancer specialist. House is dying!
Raise your hands if you thought House was dying.
The team leaves Patrick's case in the dust in favor of studying House. They want a vial of his blood so they can try to get him into clinical trials, but he tells them his health is none of their business. They clearly won't let that stand, which leads to the following awesome events:
- Cameron kisses House in the hopes that he'll let her take his blood. House tells her to look up his lab work — "but if you want a sperm sample, come back without the syringe."
- Foreman says his goodbyes to House with a simple "I like you."
- Chase literally cries on House’s shoulder.
- Cuddy offers her support, which apparently includes letting House grab her ass.
Meanwhile, Foreman and House figure out that one side of Patrick's brain is practically dead. They can remove the right side of his brain, and he'll have a more normal life, but he'll lose the ability to play music. They go ahead with it, leading to a happier-looking Patrick who can button his own shirt.
Then, Chase notices something odd on one of House’s scans. They excitedly tell House he doesn’t have cancer — just neurosyphillis! Nice diagnostic work, everyone. Except House then reveals that the scans actually belong to some random patient, and he was just using them so he could get a cool drug implanted into his brain. Foreman: "You're right. I don't like you."
Wilson tells House he’s pathetic, and House says that’s what they get for poking around in his business. Wilson suggests maybe House should just try making friends, and in the end, he sees Cameron and Chase having dinner together and heads off to join them. Now may not be the best time for them to admit they almost had sex on House’s bed while they were snooping around his place, huh?
Photos courtesy of Fox