Oh, Zach Galifianakis — with that scruffy beard of yours and that beer belly that surely suffocates the top button of your jeans, you're not exactly the picture of a clean-cut guy. Normally, I would never go for a guy like you who is so seemingly rough around the edges. But, when I saw you swapping spit with that hairy dog in the very beginning of The Hangover, it was as if you cast a spell on me. And now, with your latest hilarious role in Dinner For Schmucks, I must admit, I'm in love.
Sure, I had no idea who you were before The Hangover came out. The most memorable moment of yours before that epic trip to Sin City was when you got your naughty bits stuck in a hot tub in Out Cold. I laughed viciously as you screamed in agony, thinking, "That poor dope." I never expected to see you again.
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And then you popped up alongside Ashton Kutcher in What Happens in Vegas. Of course, it wasn't even a contest with you standing next to Mr. Demi Moore, but I thought your adolescent boy crush on Cameron Diaz was pretty cute — a little bit creepy, but cute.
It was when you lit up the screen as Alan Garner in The Hangover that you really shined and your glisten caught my eye. What it was about you I'm not exactly sure: it could've been that hilariously dorky chuckle you had or the fact that you considered yourself a "one-man wolf pack." Or maybe, it was because you rocked a "satchel," otherwise known as a man purse, or admitted you once found a baby in a Coffee Bean. All I know is that when you descended that escalator Rain Man-style, I wish I was on that casino floor to run up to you and profess my undying love. You reminded me of an old teddy bear; all tattered, torn and comfy that I just wanted to snuggle with every night as I fell blissfully off to sleep (only after you accidentally slipped me Rohypnol, of course).
In Dinner For Schmucks, you took it to the next level, and I loved every hilarious second of it. When you're sitting at that long table full of rich men and their crazy delusional guests, I wish I could be the one sitting next to you. I'd let you use your mind control powers on me, and I'd definitely pay the $14.99 plus shipping and handling for your book, Your Mind Is My Puppet, even if you did just hand me a copy in person.
When you're not on the big screen, I'm happy I get to see you in your web series for Funny or Die, "Between Two Ferns." Who knew that all you need for a successful talk show is some shrubbery and a Staples "Easy" button? As the host, you managed to make two of my personal favorite hotties, Bradley Cooper and Jon Hamm, look like fools. That's talent, Zach, and another reason why I adore you.
stalking research, I know you got your start as a comedian, playing small gigs throughout the country. You played the piano at some of your shows, similar to what you did for your opening monologue for SNL. I just love a guy who can play an instrument. Sure, there may not be enough room for me to sit on the piano bench next to you, but the fact that you can serenade me with song earns you major points.
You know, I met you once. OK, not technically, but I was at the same party as you, and you were close enough to touch. Did you notice me? I was the one mildly freaking out because you, Bradley Cooper, Renee Zellweger, Jason Bateman, Kristen Bell, and most of the SNL cast members were all in the same room. It took a lot of inner strength for me to not embarrass myself by sitting down next to you on the couch and asking, "Can we please be friends?"
A lot of strength.
Because guess what, Zach? I'm pretty awesome, and I think you and I would really hit it off. You'd say something funny and I'd giggle, which would make you giggle, which would make me giggle even more to the point where a little pee would come out. I'd tickle that furry brown beard of yours and you'd tell me what it was like to work with George Clooney in Up in the Air. I'd swear up and down he wasn't my type.
Because I only have eyes for you, Zach Galifianakis.
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