Historically, reality TV hasn't really been my thing. Admittedly, I low-key love Catfish and I've caught a few episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians [1], but I've effectively managed to evade shows like The Bachelor [2] and The Bachelorette [3] because I never understood what all the hype was about. It's a dating show, right? But everyone's dating one person at once? And getting a rose is really important for some reason? Armed with a glass of wine, I finally decided to take the plunge and see what's so fascinating about watching a bunch of guys in suits trying to impress the same woman — and I SO didn't know what I was in for.
From the corny pickup lines to the unexpected fence jumping and dramatic twists, it's definitely full of never-ending surprises. So, whether you've been a fan since the very beginning or you're in the same boat as I am, read on to hear my first impression of season fifteen and the 25 (!!!) guys trying, and already failing [4], to win Hannah's heart.
- Some guy's shirt is already off — is this gonna be like Magic Mike?
- Whoo! Hannah's the Bachelorette [6] . . . so does this mean they get married later?
- Yeah, why not film her awkwardly standing under a bridge? But just thinking about walking through that field of wheat makes my arms itchy.
- Roll tide? Roll tide!
- Who's the guy at the hardware store? Her uncle? A neighbor? Does everyone in Tuscaloosa just know each other?
- Pageant life seriously looks so stressful.
- Whoa, Alabama is so scenic and pretty. Her Instagram aesthetic must be gorgeous.
- Colton! He's the fence jumper from The Bachelor [7], right?
- HANNAH. YOU. ARE. GOOD. ENOUGH.
- She's a ballet teacher and she looks like a model in a bikini? Why is she even on this show?
- "Will" be meeting her future husband? So they DO get married?
- OK, time to meet the dudes . . . aaaand Tyler C. thinks he's Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Cool. Totally cool.
- Awwwwwww, Mike is a grandma's boy — so cute. Wait, GREAT grandmother?! OMG, even cuter.
- Did this just turn into a bad infomercial? Why is this guy trying to sell me boxes? Also, standing on that forklift can't be safe.
- So Matt Donald lives on a farm? Like Old McDonald had a farm? This can't be real.
- Ohhh Connor is cute — loving that layered sweater look.
- Whoa! That dress is sparkles on sparkles on sparkles, and I'm all about it.
- Confetti cake, what?!
- "You're gonna meet a lot of people tonight — maybe a few bogies, but I want to be your hole in one." I'm not ready for these cheesy pickup lines.
- Why does she need Mike to confirm that she's pretty? LOVE. YOURSELF. HANNAH.
- "That smile is worth every mile." OK, Tyler C., that was cute.
- She seriously has to memorize all 25 guys' names in one night? Couldn't they have given her a list beforehand?
- ANOTHER fence jumper? Is this a recurring theme?
- Was that virgin joke a cheap shot at Colton, Devin? Yes, I have been keeping up a little.
- John Paul Jones. John Paul Jones. John Paul Jones.
- Aw, Scott is so nervous! Hannah's nervous. Everyone's nervous. Now I'M nervous!
- STOP. PUTTING. YOURSELF. DOWN. HANNAH.
- I have already had it with the Box King. Why a forklift? Who's going to clean up those packing peanuts? Is there a contestant like him on every season? "No one's ever popped out of a box." I think there's a reason for that, Joe.
- Speaking French? Riding in on roller skates? Telling bad "knot tying" jokes? Are there no limits to this show?
- WHAT was the mustard for?!
- Aaaaand now Luke is on top of the limo.
- Why have some of the guys already met her? How did Cam already get a rose? Did I miss something?
- Damn, Old Matt Donald's song is going to be stuck in my head the rest of the week.
- Is everyone waiting to be introduced in the same limo?
- Yes! Be real with each other.
- Oh, Luke is a sneaky one.
- I've never been to a bachelorette party, but "Junk in the Trunk" can't be a real game.
- Why is she Hannah Beast? I thought her last name was Brown?
- Did the guys have to pack a different suit for every episode?
- Wait, what is with the creepy white van? I wasn't expecting this and now I'm afraid.
- Do the Bachelorette [8]'s friends stake out the dates every season? Hand me a glass of wine and sign me up.
- "I can make any type of box." How many kinds of boxes even are there?
- One of the guys has a girlfriend?! Who even invited him?
- SCOTT IS ABOUT TO GET BUSTED.
- Hannah: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Scott: "Well I'm dating this girl, but I'm here for you."
- Scott is such a bad liar. Kick him to the curb, Hannah!
- Hahaha, she actually threw him outside.
- Is no one going to comfort her? Alright, at least some of these guys look like they care.
- Luke got the first impression rose! So picking favorites is a good thing on this show?
- The rose ceremony?! But not everyone got to talk to her because of Scott's lies! So unfair.
- Everyone at this rose ceremony looks like they're worried about being picked last for dodgeball in gym class.
- This is so stressful. It's like watching Chopped.
- How many of these guys is she going to eliminate? Do the ones she doesn't choose all ride back to the airport in the same limo?
- If they do this every episode, then this show must go through a sh*tload of flowers.
- Gotta say, John Paul Jones kind of reminds me of a Malibu Ken doll.
- So now they all just go to bed and do the same thing all over again tomorrow? I'm already exhausted for them.
- How long does Hannah have to get to know these guys before one of them proposes? Or does she propose to them? I might have to watch the finale just to find out.
Well that was an adventure, to say the least. As far as taking the show seriously and becoming invested in who makes it to the end, I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I will say that I enjoyed myself and definitely had a few laughs along the way. While longtime fans might argue that I should go back and watch a few past seasons to get a real feel for the show, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to remember that many names all at once. Connor is my favorite so far, though, so I might just give the show another shot next time I'm craving a little bit of drama.