"Can I Sit on Your Lap While You're Pooping?" Isn't Even the Funniest Thing This Little Girl Has Said
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Matthew Carroll, a single dad, knows something that every parent does but won't admit.
"What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom and there's a toddler running around the house? You leave the door open, in case there's an emergency," he told POPSUGAR matter-of-factly. "But what really happens is they want to come and just hang out with you. While you're sitting there pooping."
It's moments like that, when his then-3-year-old daughter Morgan would look up at him and say something equal parts adorable and bizarre (ahem, "Can I sit on your lap while you're pooping?"), that inspired Matthew to start keeping track.
"I related to my daughter a lot more when she started talking," he said. "I think this is typical for dads. What is a baby? A cute but needy and squishy thing that wants its mom all the time. When Morgan started talking, I was fascinated by her thoughts and ideas. And being a single dad, I didn't have anybody nearby to whisper, 'Holy crap!' to whenever she said something, so I wrote them down and sent them to friends and family. Suddenly after a few years I realized I had this written record of a little person growing up."
He decided to self-publish a compilation, aptly titled after their quality time in the bathroom, and it quickly sold out. Now, Amazon is launching a new edition of the book, to go on sale March 8.
Matthew is confident other parents won't just relate but might also be inspired to start transcribing their own kid's running commentary: "It's nothing new that kids say weird things, but it does seem interesting to track all the things a person would say at the beginning of their lives and see what kind of personality emerges."
The question on any parent's mind, however: will Morgan, now 9 years old, ever be able to forgive her clever dad? Read on to find out.
Plus, Morgan and her dad pulled a collection of some of the book's choicest quotes, and we promise you'll want to see how Morgan explains her hilarious musings about princess toothpaste, peeing in pools, and her dad's dancing abilities.
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Matthew: She's embarrassed about the title. But I also think she's enjoying the attention. I've committed to her that any proceeds from the book will go into a college savings plan so hopefully she won't hold a grudge.
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Morgan: I have no idea what I was saying.
Matthew: Maybe this does make sense. She might end up carrying me when I'm very old.
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Morgan: I don't do that anymore. Maybe I used to. I didn't want to not have fun in the swimming pool.
Matthew: This makes a lot of sense.
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Morgan: It's true.
Matthew: It is true. But now that I'm old it feels like a lot of time has flown by.
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Morgan: I think a friend told me about that . . .
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Morgan: I didn't know what was polite and impolite and what was good to say or not or even the difference between smell good and taste good!
Matthew: It was Old Spice Swagger.
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Morgan: I made up a good way to tell my dad he was bad at dancing.
Matthew: I really am bad at dancing.
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Morgan: It was never getting smaller or bigger.
Matthew: It does seem to follow you.
Morgan: You mean us.
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Morgan: I think that was my first corn dog. I don't like corn dogs anymore.
Matthew: It was her first corn dog, and a hot dog wrapped in fried dough is pretty amazing.
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Morgan: It's true but then there's no point to ice skating.
Matthew: I think we were watching the Winter Olympics.
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Morgan: I don't want to hunt pigs anymore. Gross! And I don't think people hunt pigs anymore. They just kill them at the factory.
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Morgan: Stare at something for a long time and then blink. It works!
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Morgan: I don't think I learned about vegetables yet. How is a sandwich a vegetable? How? It's not like you can pick it from a plant.
Matthew: Morgan was really interested in eating healthy.
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Morgan: It was my first rib. Why should they call it just "ribs" instead of "pig ribs" because it sounds kind of like it would be from a human.
Matthew: It's interesting that she would be OK with eating human ribs.
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Morgan: Maybe there was a candy store nearby!
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Morgan: But that would make every child fat, greedy, and spoiled!
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Morgan: I want to be single now. Well, I want to have children but I don't want to have s-e-x.
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Morgan: I thought of a lot of stuff more literally when I was a toddler.
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Morgan: That's weird. Really weird. REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WEIRD!