Liz Petrone, a mother of four and a blogger, truly thought that her third pregnancy would be easy. After all, what was left to figure out? She had already been through the routine twice before. But unfortunately, Liz made a startling discovery after giving birth to her sweet daughter: postpartum depression can affect women after any pregnancy [1], regardless of if they've already had kids.
She shared her story in a Facebook post [2] to raise awareness for Postpartum Depression Awareness Month and explained that while she admired her baby's spirit, she definitely wasn't feeling like herself — and it was terrifying:
When my third baby was born she came out ravenous. . . What I want to tell you today is how as she grew and continued to consume life in big ravenous gulps, the opposite happened to me. I became flatter and duller. I was tired all the time, sure, but this was that bone aching tired that sleep doesn't come close to touching. I was anxious too, terrified that I was screwing her up or about to screw her up and thoughts started to creep in, uninvited, from the edges of the darkness: maybe they would be better off without me.
Although Liz knew that the feelings stemmed straight from her sickness, she admitted that her doctor didn't offer much assurance when she asked him if getting postpartum depression was possible the third time around.
"This dismissal made me feel like I was being erratic. Hormonal. Self-indulgent."
"He said, and I quote, 'I'm not sure what you want me to do here. I'm not a psychologist.' This dismissal made me feel like I was being erratic. Hormonal. Self-indulgent."
Despite feeling uneasy about taking medication with three kids to look after, Liz followed her doctor's orders and took her prescription. "He sent me home with a prescription for anti-depressants. I sat that night with this prescription in my hand, and I worried if taking them was a poor choice. (Here's what I know now, that I didn't know then: It wasn't. That medication saved my life.)"
Liz explained that despite the oodles of advice she got, no one told her that postpartum depression would make her second-guess herself [3] in ways she hadn't with her other children:
No one told me I would spend my evenings, after everyone else had gone to bed, lifting her sleeping form from her crib and just holding her against me, resting my weeping head in her nest of curls, whispering, "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." No one told me you could feel broken and battered and bent under the weight of sadness and anxiety and yet seemingly still look normal enough that it would surprise people when you scared yourself enough to weakly raise your voice and ask for help.
At the end of the day, Liz believes it's important to start a dialogue about postpartum depression [5], whether you're experiencing it with your first child or battling it after baby number eight, so that other moms can get themselves the help they need.
"We need to keep talking, even when we don't want to, even when it's unsightly or embarrassing or uncomfortable. Even when our month is over."