Growing up we learn a lot of things, most of which make our lives easier. We learn there are no such things as monsters living under our beds, that bad dreams can't hurt us, and that mixing pop rocks and soda is a terrible idea. But with this newfound and hard-earned knowledge comes an inevitable demystifying of the world. Magic is all slight of hand, there are no pots of gold at the ends of rainbows, and the tooth fairy was really just our parents [1] raiding the sofa for loose change in the middle of the night. We start to see the world differently, and sometimes that means we lose a little something of our childhood, our innocence.
I've noticed this effect particularly in the movies I used to love as a child but have now been ruined by the Pandora's box of experience that comes along with growing up. Here are just six examples of beloved movies adulthood has completely ruined for me.
Stand by Me
Iconic story of adolescent friendship and coming of age in a small town, right? Sure, but also it's a story about a group of preteen boys running away from home without telling anyone where they were going (for DAYS, mind you) to find a dead body. A dead, rotting body. Which they do eventually find, but not before winding up in a strange turf war with a violent gang member. No wonder my parents never let me out of the house.
A Christmas Story
Perhaps one of my favorite holiday movies of all time, this classic tale of family and the Christmas spirit focuses on a young boy's obsession with getting a BB gun from Santa. All through the movie his parents, his teachers, and even the mall Santa warn him that he's too young for a weapon. "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Then when his father comes through and buys him one (without running it past his mother, mind you), my childhood heart soared.
He got what he wanted and the chance to prove everyone wrong. It was a Christmas miracle. Then I watched the movie again as an adult, and you know what? It turns out he does shoot himself in the face — the very first time he uses the gun. Exactly like his mother told him he would. If my husband bought our child a firearm against my wishes, I'm pretty sure he and the gun would have a very long and happy life together (aka alone).
The Goonies
Buried treasure, secret tunnels, and two brothers' heroic attempts to save their parents from financial burden. I loved this movie as a kid. It had it all: adventure, friendship, pirates, and just enough foul language to make me feel like a big kid. Then I grew up and all I can think of is: if a group of misfit children can foil the plans of a family of seemingly successful criminals, then maybe the members of the country club should be paying more taxes to fund the police force and spending less on fancy new developments. Just saying.
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
I remember thinking this movie was so clever when I first watched it. My childhood imagination was full of possibilities of all the fun and adventures to be had if I was small enough to fly on the back of a bird or ride around in someone's pocket. However, as an adult my dreams were shattered when I realized that the kids in the movie shouldn't have been able to do half the things they did.
Rick Moranis' shrink ray supposedly works by removing all the empty space between the atoms in the body, shrinking objects without actually changing their mass. This means that the tiny kids should have weighed exactly the same as they did before they were shrunk. No way they could have ridden an ant or been blown around by the wind from the lawn mower. Once again, science ruins all my fun.
Home Alone
Anyone with kids cringes every time they watch this movie and realizes that not only did this family forget their 9-year-old at home (at Christmas) while they flew halfway across the world, he was then attacked by two burglars, befriended by the creepy guy down the street, and almost arrested for shoplifting. Yet somehow, Child Protective Services was not called at the end of the movie, and his family was free to forget him again in the sequels. It's not actually clear which crime was worse: the neglect of this fictional child or the fact that that Home Alone 3 was ever a thing.
Big
Thirteen-year-old Josh Baskin learns about life and love when he wishes to be older and wakes up in the body of a grown man. What kid hasn't wanted to be older, even just for a day? Grown-ups would take you more seriously, there wouldn't be anyone telling you what to do, and you certainly wouldn't be spending hours every night doing homework.
However, when I watch this movie as an adult, I still see the appeal for young Josh, but all I can think is that poor woman who unsuspectingly falls in love with Tom Hanks [5] really ends up sleeping with an eighth grader. The therapy required to recover from such a discovery would boggle the mind.
Well, way to go adulthood, first you ruin my waistline and now my entertainment. What will you take next? My deep, unbending love for hair bands and monster ballads? Wait. Shhh. Don't tell me. I'll preserve the magic just a bit longer.