The parenting books don't tell you everything [1], which means as you continue along your parenthood journey, there are a lot of puzzling moments. These tiny little humans are confusing with their odd ways of doing things that we, as adults, just can't fathom. So we have questions. Like a lot of questions about their behavior that go far beyond "When will my child sleep through the night?" And the worst part? Most of these lesser-mentioned questions do not have straightforward answers — which most of us would do anything for.
When do kids become a tiny bit concerned about germs?
Not that this whole thing about licking everything and never washing their hands isn't gross, but actually it is.
When do kids stop fighting sleep and just enjoy it?
Sleep is so awesome. When do they finally realize this?!
When do kids care about snot running down their face?
Seriously? When does this become an issue you feel the need to take care of on your own?
When will my kid stop getting so many colds?
Speaking of snot, there literally are not enough tissues and saline spray in the world when you have a small child.
When will my child just sit in a chair?
As I write this, my daughter is eating a snack at the table. This has been the last three minutes of my life: "Honey, sit down. Please don't lean back in your chair. Can you put your legs down? Please stop getting up. Why are you half standing, half sitting? Will you please turn around in your chair? Sure, you can go to the bathroom . . ."
Seriously, when do we just decide "You know what? I'm gonna go to this chair and just sit?"
When will my kid be able to make it to the toilet to throw up?
Is there a magic age for this? Because so far, my kids just vomit where they please.
When will my child understand the basic laws of gravity?
Because a bubble doesn't seem to be a realistic option.
When will your child sit through a movie?
Sometimes it's hard to fathom our children sitting through an entire movie — and with only one bathroom run? Or better yet, when will your child watch a movie that's not a cartoon?
When will your child sleep in?
Like past, oh, I don't know, 6:30 a.m.?
When will my children actually play together?
"Have another so he has a playmate," they said. "They'll love to play together," they said. So you listened, and now you're wondering when exactly does that happen?
When will my child simply just wash his hands in the sink?
And not make a mess. And not spend 10 minutes doing it. And not use all the soap in one session. And not also toss a roll of toilet paper in the toilet just because he's there. And not call me to turn the water off.
When will my kids eat like normal people?
Parents are always complaining about their older children eating all the food in the house, yet I'm still bribing mine to take three more bites.
When do kids start to feel embarrassed by themselves?
I'm not saying their ridiculous outfits aren't cute or that their raging tantrums aren't loved by everyone at Target, but come on: when do kids start to get embarrassed by their own behavior?
When do children stop needing to go potty all the time?
If I never have to see inside every bathroom in every establishment within a 10-mile radius of my house, I'd be OK with that.
When can my child successfully wipe his own tush?
Inquiring minds and supertired mommas really would love the answer to this question.
When will my child have concern for being rude?
Not that I don't love cooking dinner and having my son gag and tell me, "It's soooooo gross." But when will he have a bit of concern for how that comment is a tad rude?
When will my kid consider leftovers a real option for dinner?
What's up with kids and not wanting to eat leftovers? Like ever. I just don't understand.
When do kids stop spilling their drinks all the time?
One of my kiddos will spill a drink — and I'm not exaggerating here — at least once a day. Literally. And it's mind-boggling. When will this stop?
When can my child wash his hair successfully on his own?
Successfully equals lathering up and rinsing out — and, major caveat here, without you having to take him back in to help him redo it.
When will the temperature outside determine what my child wants to wear?
My kids would literally dress the same no matter it were 80° outside or if it were 30°. When does it get to the point where you look outside and say, "Looks cold. I think I'll wear layers and a probably a nice warm coat."