Have you ever wondered why there is no book four to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy? Most people have, but to me, it's completely obvious. Christian and Anastasia Grey are new parents! The have a baby and a 2-year-old, which means ain't nobody got time for that! Between night wakings, time-outs, and playdates, BDSM is the last thing on their minds. In fact, I'm sure their lives have changed quite a bit, and a fourth book would not be so, well, tantalizing. So here's the quick rundown on what I imagine is going on over at the Grey household since we last heard from them . . .
The Red Room of Pain: Christian and Anastasia needed the space in their swanky Seattle digs for a playroom, so they uncovered the windows and painted the walls pastel. Out went the sex toys and in came the children's toys.
The Contracts: The dominance and submission contract has been rewritten. Anastasia will agree to BDSM once a month under a few conditions: Christian has to get up with the baby at least three nights a week, change diapers when they need to be changed, have dinner with the family at least once a week, as well as do the books and bath routine a few nights a week.
Their Jobs: Their careers are their biggest point of contention in their marriage at this point. Ana is frustrated that Christian works too much and doesn't spend enough time with the children. As a stay-at-home mom, she is unfulfilled and overtired. Christian doesn't understand and often says he wishes he could just sit around and watch TV all day. On these nights, they sleep in separate rooms.
Their Sex Toys: Ever since the couple's toddler son, Teddy, walked into the kitchen with a set of anal beads around his neck saying, "Mommy! Daddy! Lookie! I got a new necklace," the BDSM gear has been stored away in a box high on top of Christian's closet.
Their Sex Life: Their romps from dusk until dawn have been replaced with, well, sleep. Ana shoots down any recent attempts with "Are you f*cking kidding me, Christian? I'm exhausted!"
Ana's Body: Her insecurities around her body have all resurfaced after having babies. She's self-conscious about the extra baby weight she's put on and thinking about actually revisiting the list of "approved foods" Christian gave her back when they were dating.
The Outrageous Modes of Transportation: Christian's pricey sports cars have taken a backseat to a suitable family car. He does still take them on a spin on the weekends, though. And Charlie Tango, Christian's infamous helicopter, hasn't seen the light of day in a few years because, well, Ana is not taking her babies on that death trap.
Swanky Furniture and Piano: The modern furniture has been put in storage and replaced with some stuff that is more stain resistant and has duller edges. The piano is out for repairs — Teddy dropped a sippy cup full of milk inside the top of it, and now it reeks and won't play properly.
Their Pricey Threads: Ana spends her days in yoga pants and a t-shirt while Christian still tries to look nice for work, but now he usually waits to put his dress shirt and suit jackets on in the parking lot of his office — Ava, their baby, has spit up on him too many times, and he's learned his lesson.
The Lavish Gifts: Long gone are the days of lavish gifts. The last thing Ana got from Christian was a push present, which she picked out online and emailed him the link to so all he had to do was physically buy it. He frequently reminds her, "Remember, Ana. I don't do romance."
Christian's "Shopping" Trips: Christian's regular runs to the hardware store for cable ties, masking tape, and rope have been replaced with last-minute trips to Babies"R"Us for diapers, potty seats, and nipple cream. Usually he forgets the diapers and potty seat but arrives home with nine tubes of nipple cream.
Elena Lincoln (the old lady who seduced Christian when he was 15): Elena is obviously no longer welcome in their home — and you can bet that crazy cougar will never, ever be left alone with little Teddy.