Brutally honest Christmas card [1] from funny [2]

Dear Allen Family,

Although I all-out love getting Christmas cards [3], I straight-up loathe the "family newsletter." You know, those full-page synopses of all the amazing vacations one clan went on (who goes to Greece and Disney World in the same Summer?!) and all their awe-inspiring achievements – "little Jimmy skipped two grades after joining Mensa, and Susie now volunteers at both the food bank and the animal shelter!" – that make you question your own self-worth and, let's be honest, make you slightly judge your kids. Gosh, they're lazy and annoying, right?

I just want to let you, dear Allens, know that your correspondence is the glorious exception to the rule. Lisa, when I came across your "brutally honest" annual newsletter on Reddit [4], I read it with a season's worth of joy. Not because I take pleasure in others' misfortunes (OK, OK, I do have a smidge of schadenfreude from time to time) but because it made me realize my island-of-misfit-toys family isn't so bad either.

Sure, we're straight up disappointing compared to the Joneses, but alongside the Allens, we're just fine.

We've all got a whining Landon, we've all got a Hunter with an impressively growing vocabulary, and if we don't yet have a Maddy, we all inevitably will. And we most definitely all have a Tom.

From my real family to yours, we wish you the happiest of holidays and more than a few strong drinks.

Sincerely,

Kate, her husband (who still hasn't put the box of extra tree lights back in the storage room and it's been two weeks oh my god how do you not notice it – it's right there just do it already), and their two kids (the one who manipulates us into spending roughly two hours on her bedtime routine every night and the one who won't eat universally beloved Kraft mac-and-cheese but keeps shoveling our dog's kibble in her mouth whenever we try to go pee for two seconds)