I am not the average woman — my brain moves at 150 mph, which is exhausting, but I can't imagine that I am the only almost-divorced woman to have a few worries and thoughts about having sex with a new guy postmarriage. Don't get me wrong; I am really, really hoping it happens sometime, because a whole life without sex sounds god-awful to me (maybe I am a pervert — my fifth grade teacher told me I didn't deserve my straight-A report card because I talked to boys too much), but when it comes down to thinking about doing the deed with a new dude after being with someone for eight years, I get a little twitchy.
Do My Boobs Look Good? Do I Look Good?
This is the shallowest fear of all, and just admitting it means that perhaps half of you think I am a jerk already. You see, I like my boobs. They're nice and all, and I like them even after nursing my child for over a year, but flocks of women run to the moms groups I frequent saying their boobs post-nursing don't look so great. So I think, "Self? Are your boobs still up to par?"
I inspect in the mirror, holding each in one hand and say, they're still pretty damn perky! I think they're a solid choice of boobs.
Then my inner voice says, "But what if the next dude doesn't think they're so great? What if the next guy sees you naked and runs away?" Getting naked with someone else postmarriage makes me wonder, "Will I still be seen as sexy?"
When I was about to give birth, I wondered if my lady parts would change, but then I didn't have vaginal labor, and ended up with a C-section, and wondered if the scar would go away.
It did — like I can barely see anything there and I see myself every day. Thank you, OB/GYN of champions! He was off-the-hook amazing! Ladies who have multiple C-sections, I give you mad love! I even slightly worry about someone else, someone new, noticing that. I know I worry too much — the Jewish genes from my dad's side are strong.
I worried about this with my own husband to some extent, postbaby, but he had to have sex with me. It was in our vows (addendum XI), but a new dude?
I hope I still have what it takes. I'm only human. A lady needs someone to snuggle with when it's cold out.
Learning the Tricks
I knew my ex, and he knew me. It was like we had degrees in each other. I miss that intimacy and comfort. I wonder if that will happen again. While there's nothing more exciting than doing the "deed" with someone for the first time, there's a great pleasure and joy in being with someone who knows you, and doesn't hang out down there for a century trying to figure out how the buttons work. It's nice when two people know how to drive the car properly!
Mood Setting: Does a Nice Elsa Doll Turn You On?
Look, I haven't let anyone into my life, but at some point, someone will hopefully come over and spend time with me. If not, you can count on seeing me in a robe, bunny slippers, hot-pink lipstick, full set of rollers, with three little dogs in a shopping cart going up and down your street way into my 90s.
While the next Mr. Lifshitz may be a single dad, if he's not, how mood setting is it if my house is flooded with princesses and I have to shove the glitter, bows, little tiny doll shoes, and stuffed animals off my bed so we can get nasty? Unless a guy is turned on by my little girls' dolls, and if so, I hope I never meet a creep like that. It's such a funny juxtaposition, sex postkid.
"Hey, let me go down on you — oops, wait. Don't kneel on Princess Tiana. She had a hard life and then turned into a frog, only to marry a prince, but I bet you didn't know that did you Mr. Future Lifshitz?"
There's always the option of sticking to dating just dads, I guess.
So there's this nasty little rumor that I hear from my guy friends how the male sex drive starts to decline as they get closer to 40. But me — and possible other mid-30s ladies — I am ready to rumble! Not with just any old Jet or Shark, but still. I really hope that after all my years of monogamy and intimacy that I am not graduating into a sea of gulp — well . . . "Limp Larrys."
Now I'm really on Santa's bad list.
I still want to have fun. That's one of the good things about being single and not married. You can tell him, "It's time to go, dear. I have to watch Fight Club and drool over Brad Pitt alone while I eat my stash of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups," as you kick the guy out of your house.
Want Me, Not Just My Body
I remember back in the premarriage days that fellas really wanted to have sex, but not commit that much. I felt like every guy was so wishy-washy until I met my ex-husband, who was my Prince Charming for many years. Have the men out there changed? I am a busy single mom working my tush off. I don't have time to play games. This girl may look all fluffy and sweet, but I've got a lot of substance. I don't want to have guys floating in and out of my life.
The next Mr. Lifshitz better be able to talk the talk and walk the walk, or he won't be getting to kneel on any Elsa dolls anytime soon.
To all the ladies newly separated or divorced, and the mamas who just gave birth for the first time, I applaud you and tell you this: we're all anxious about sex! But we're sexy and lovable, even if our bodies are perfect, perfectly flawed, or not where we want them to be. Even if we have spit on our shirts, snot on our jeans, and a "mom cut." There's nothing more attractive than a great mother no matter her status, body, or age!