There's this one requirement you have to fulfill when you're a mother and that's feeding your kids. Your kids should be clean and well-rested, too, but feeding . . . well, that's an outright must in the list of "Mom duties." Besides, if you think you're mean when you're hangry, have you ever witnessed a case of the hanger in a 3-year-old? Rest my case.

So it's inevitable that as the mom, you'll be making school lunches (unless you buy every day) for almost an eternity. Well, for a very long time and much longer than seems reasonably fair, but if you let your 8-year-old pack his lunch, chances are it will consist of fruit snacks, Oreos, and macaroni and cheese until he turns 40. Whenever that time of the evening rolls around and it's time to "make lunch," I curse myself for not having magic or woodland creatures to make interesting sandwiches and snack ideas sound amazing and appealing to my child. And when I think hard and deeply, I remember years of underwhelming school lunches most likely made begrudgingly and out of loving motherly duty by my own mom, who must have made at least 5,000 cheese and salami sandwiches by the time she hit 40.

The fact is, I would rather do almost anything than make my kid's lunch.

Be Lectured on My Parenting

I would rather my former MIL lecture me for hours on end than make school lunches. I would rather hear her prattle on about my mistakes and "imperfections," according to her, than find inventive ways to use pasta for my kid's lunch, just about any damn day.

Streak Topless Through Target

Although it might earn me a coupon or two if there's a majority of male staff, I would rather flash all of Target and be evicted for years of frivolous spending, than try to find another healthier and "greener" way to make my kid's lunch.

Listen to Caillou

I would rather watch Caillou all day with his absolutely irritating voice, than make school lunch for a week. Yes, one whole day of Caillou would be worth not having to make lunch for one week! You know I've got to be serious if I would put up with that.

Talk Like a Character From My Little Pony

I would rather be double-dog-dared to speak like one of the characters in My Little Pony, (think: Pinkie Pie) than make school lunch! I would order Starbucks, give a speech, interview for a job, and make love using a My Little Pony voice if it meant freeing me from a lifetime of mindless thermos cleaning, heating, and storing of edible foods that become completely inedible upon two hours into the school day.

Milk Engorgement

I would endure a week of milk engorgement if it meant no school lunches for a month. I would endure milk engorgement in the public if it meant a year of no school lunches! Remember how you felt when your milk came in? I looked like a porn star. A swollen, postpartum porn star with rock-hard boobs and a constipated belly to match. I would endure it all if it meant no late-night meal-making for school the next day. No snack-packing into tiny Ziploc bags.

School lunches. It's a duty for the strongest of us, but will we survive? Or better yet, will our kids eat a well-heated or chilled lunch? Probably not until after college.