Jessica Johnston, a mom of four from California [1], has a question for her husband she'd love an answer to: "Where is my push present?" She explained in a hilarious Facebook [2] post that even though she had her kiddos years before the whole push present concept came about, she's ready to cash in.
"I found out about this (new?) phenomenon a couple of years ago and I realized the universe (aka my husband) owes me some kickass swag for my vaginal contribution to the world," she wrote, adding, "I am ready and waiting for my reward."
Jessica goes on to say that although she's half-kidding, she has to admit her timing with these trends has always been a little off.
"It's kinda the way I feel about Pinterest and Say Yes to the Dress being invented after my wedding [4]. Shout out to my ladies who feel me on this. We were not even AWARE that kids would be so adorable carrying chalkboard signs down the aisle and that everything must be wrapped in twine. Also, no one told us about Pnina Tornai [a wedding dress designer] or flower crowns. On second thought, thank God I was married before 2007."
And what better way to ring in your daughter's 7th birthday then by listing some mom-approved gift ideas for giving birth to her kids in case anyone was feeling generous:
A bottle/case of wine with a hand made card that says "Sorry about your vag" OR "Hope your hemorrhoids are better." You SHOULD be sorry. Geesh, those precious cherubs tore outta there like runaway freight trains. Pushing was not kind to my lady business. My lady business wants it's reward.
Gift cards towards a boob job. Pregnancy and breastfeeding were like I hit puberty for the first time — hello, ladies! — only to have it stolen away again (this time with less elasticity). I have shown them to most of my friends for a second opinion, and it has been assessed that this situation is quote "dire."
My sanity back. I'd just like to be able to remember my own phone number at CVS on the FIRST try. Wherever the brain cells have gone, I want them back.
Jewelry, gold pieces, trips to Tahiti, lifetime memberships to Ikea, The Reader's Digest sweepstakes.
The busy mama ends her beyond-relatable post by saying even though she's dying for some well-deserved loot, she'll agree to "take these four cute faces instead."