Look, you probably don't need this little list for me to convince you how necessary it is that you partake in a glass of wine (or two) tonight, but if you are on the fence and need a little prodding, let me work on persuading you:
Congrats on Your Pregnancy
Remember that moment today when someone congratulated you on your pregnancy but you haven't been pregnant in five years? Yeah, well, drink up, Momma, and the next time someone asks you when you're due, you can say, "Oh, you mean my wine baby? She's been in the making ever since my first kid."
Your Child Became an Artiste Overnight
You know that favorite red lipstick you like to wear that you bought as a splurge at a fancy-schmancy department store or Sephora? Yeah, your kid thought it was such a pretty shade too, and he decided it would be a fabulous choice for the new family portrait he made on the walls of your front hallway. Hey, that way whenever anyone walks in . . . he or she will know whose family he or she is visiting!
I hope you enjoy googling stain removers while you're drinking your wine!
Your Family Has the Stomach Bug
Is your family taking turns puking over the "porcelain goddess" yet you're still unscathed? Just you wait. Your time, unfortunately, will come, unless you possess an immunity of steel. But until then, you can numb your nose, stomach, and mind with a little wine while you douse your home in a pool of Lysol. Drink up, and let the bug pass quickly!
Your Husband Hates Your Haircut
You were so excited when you left the salon with your new haircut that you obsessed over and pinned haircuts like a manic woman to achieve. You walk in the door all smiles, and your lovely "Best Man" sees you and voilà — all over his face is that special look you were waiting for.
He hates it, and he can't hide it.
You and your fabulous haircut decide to enjoy each other in the company of your bedroom with a book and a big huge glass of wine.
And no, your hubby isn't getting any booty tonight.
Cat Puked in Your Shoe
You're late for work — again — and your kids are driving you crazy yet it's only 7:30 in the morning. You go to put on your favorite work shoes when you see it: Muffin the cat puked up his breakfast in your shoe so you'd have a special part of him with you all throughout the day.
Have you considered finding Muffin a new home? Of course not, but tonight, you'll break out a glass in celebration of Muffin and Muffin's ability to puke inside the shoe and not get one drop outside of the shoe. Great aim, Muffin!
Your Teenager Brings Home a Boy For the First Time
Your teenager brings home her first boyfriend for you to meet, and he looks like one of those kids who might be "emo" or might be a murderer. You're hoping for "emo," and your husband is hoping that somehow, this kid will drop off the face of the earth. OK, so perhaps your partner is planning on making that happen. Either way, if he's sweet or he's insane, your child has a boyfriend! If the wine doesn't ease the pain, try vodka.
Your Baby Keeps Waking Up and Only Wants You
It doesn't matter if Dad wakes up to grab the baby — the baby hates him! At least at night. Your baby keeps waking because he or she is teething, sick, or just, you know, being a baby. But you can't catch a break because your sweet little baby has decided that your partner is Satan, and therefore each time the baby wakes, there you are, a zombie, holding, rocking, shushing, feeding, or nursing that kid back to sleep.
Grab yourself a bottle of wine, my lady, because it's going to be a while until the kiddo decides to rest easy without you.
Your Mother-in-Law Is Staying . . . For a Week!
You love your MIL, really you do!
But not a whole week's worth of love.
Ah, that's why there's wine and, perhaps, Zoloft for those of you who need the extra backup. Just be prepared to nod and smile when she criticizes you and be nice and compliment her cooking! Hey, at least someone's helping you, and be honest: she cooks better than you do.
There's no problem that a little vino can't make better, so don't feel bad when you indulge your inner wino, but don't become too much of a regular that they save a special seat for you at the bar!