I've never liked thank you notes. Actually, I used to have zero emotions tied up in them . . . until I started making babies. Now, the sheer thought of those little cards fills me with dread, stress, and guilt.
That's because I'd fallen behind in writing them after my first baby shower and never caught up again. I loved when people brought gifts, of course, but it also meant tacking another item on to my never-ending to-do list. Finding time between diaper changes and nap schedules to write a coherent note of appreciation, locate a stamp, dig up an address, and actually stick it in a mailbox became arduous. I tried my best to get them all out, but some invariably slipped through the cracks. The shame was so consuming that I began quietly letting other new moms know not to return the favor [1]. I'd bring a gift and say, "Please, if you write thank you notes, don't worry about it with this one."
When a blown-up version of that same sentiment took place at the baby shower of mom-to-be Laura Turner, I was intrigued. She took to Twitter to share the shocking thing a guest said in front of the entire room:
At my baby shower yesterday, one woman said, before I started opening gifts, "Can we give you the gift of no thank-you notes?" And everyone gasped and I DIED and now I'm going to be that lady at every shower I go to.
— Laura Turner (@lkoturner) April 15, 2018 [2]
At first, I wanted to applaud this mystery woman for offering what we all secretly wish someone did at our own baby showers. What a relief to be off the hook for such a time-consuming task, especially when we're opening up the presents in front of those giving them! But, then, I had a vision of etiquette extraordinaire Emily Post rolling over in her grave, and I could just imagine the disappointed looks on the faces of all the great aunts at my shower if someone stood up and announced that the mom-to-be need not send them a thank you card for the gift they so carefully picked out, paid for, and wrapped.
I'm still torn, and it appears that the rest of us are, too. In response to Laura's tweet, women have chimed in with their own opinions on the matter:
Yes! For me, this is a must for new moms. You have far more important things to do in the next year of your life! Please do not send a thank you note for any baby gift I ever give you.
— Bethany HallFitelson (@bfitelson) April 15, 2018 [4]
If you can't take a moment to write a note of thanks, you should return the gift to the giver. FFS. 🙄
— Jo(an) Major Ciolino (@JoanCiolino) April 16, 2018 [5]
It is! Totally genius! pic.twitter.com/OEoTa8TblT [6]
— Biz Ellis (@Bizellis) April 16, 2018 [7]
Our family's guideline is if the person is present when you open the gift, no thank-you card needed. 'Cause you saw it and thanked them to their face already.
— Stephanie S. Thompson 💪🏼 (@Stefaniya) April 15, 2018 [8]
I think taking the time to write a thank you note is the right thing to do. We have lost too many of our human interactions & etiquette. I think a nice gift is pre addressed stamped envelopes for the honored guest of a shower to make it a bit easier.
— Michele Favaro (@michele_favaro) April 16, 2018 [9]
I remember getting chewed out by a great-aunt for not sending a note. I tell all new moms to skip the note and use that five minutes to nap. ❤️
— (((Jessica))) doesn't control the weather.🍌 (@vaccineharpy) April 16, 2018 [10]
I am still carrying the shame of not having done baby shower thank you notes. My excuse is that I had the shower post-birth, so no one with a functioning adult brain lived at my address. Which is to say: that woman is a hero.
— Irina Dumitrescu (@irinibus) April 15, 2018 [11]
When I was an exhausted new Mom I accidentally cited the wrong gift in a thank u card to a family friend. It was "no big deal" but she still saw fit to tell my MIL about it, who chided me. I've absolved every gift recipient from sending a TY card since that day, 24 yrs ago.
— Lisa Y (@YakTalk) April 16, 2018 [12]
Me too. Honestly, if I don't get a thank you note, you won't get another gift from me unless you are my sibling or dead.
— lisawhelpley (@lisawhelpley) April 16, 2018 [13]
Wow, I always think the least I can do for someone who has taken the time to think of a gift, gone out hunting for it, spent hard-earned money on it, wrapped it and made sure it got to me is to take two minutes write a thank-you note. It's not that much of a chore in comparison.
— Kristin Zita (@KristinZita1) April 16, 2018 [14]
I'm old fashioned but have accepted that thanking people in person at an event is ok. I still think a note or text is nice if you've mailed a gift...mainly so that you know the person got it.
— Crayoh (@crayoh) April 15, 2018 [15]
Feminine badassery would be acknowledging that the husband or new father could be writing thank you notes since he's the one getting the gifts too. Without having to do much for them, I might add.
— Valerie B. (@ArlottyB) April 16, 2018 [16]
Having been a mom twice, I get this. However I think we're losing the art of note-writing and thank yous. DMs and texts are not the same. I get extraordinary feedback on handwritten notes. Connecting in meaningful ways needed more than ever. Perhaps new moms get a pass.
— Rhonda Bannard (@rhondabannard) April 15, 2018 [17]
Remember the women who haven't had wedding shower or haven't had a baby shower. Yes, we are your friends and know it's tough, but maybe the 17th gift we give is the most heartbreaking one. Just remember the women who go to all the showers without expecting anything in return.
— Rachel Pryor (@mrsrichardpryor) April 16, 2018 [18]
There's already way too much lack of gratitude. Thank you notes should NOT become extinct. It's the right thing to do. Someone took the time to get you a gift, it's the least we can do to take a few moments out of our day to show appreciation.
— Laurie Ayers (@laurieayers) April 16, 2018 [19]