The holidays can be a very joyful period filled with gatherings and delicious comida. But they can also just as easily overwhelm us with anxiety over buying Christmas gifts or seeing family you don't often see [1]. All of this can make the holiday season challenging for anyone. But for those of us who are trying to get or stay sober — whether because we're in recovery from alcohol use disorder [2] or simply want to take a break from drinking — it can be an especially trying time.
For me, it can be especially tricky to navigate gatherings with my Cuban family [4], even though I have been sober for over six years. Even after going to rehab at the insistence of my parents, they can still sometimes misstep and not be fully supportive of my sobriety. They know that my life is in a much better place today than it was previously, but the holidays for my family have always been filled with lots of get-togethers that seem to overflow with boozy drinks and unfortunately, that hasn't changed despite my no longer partaking.
The good news is that I'm not the only sober Latinx person struggling through the holidays and trying to figure out how to navigate family gatherings [5]. And thankfully, I have learned a thing or two.
The Challenges of Being Sober in Latinx Culture
When I was growing up, drinking was no big deal in my family. I remember having a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve, trying a bit of my dad's beer or my mom's sangria long before I turned 21 and could legally drink in the United States. It's no question that our culture celebrates and normalizes drinking, something that can be a real challenge for Latinx people who are trying to quit alcohol or maintain their sobriety. And unfortunately, our families can be a big part of the problem.
"One significant challenge sober individuals experience is lack of support amongst their family," says April Mayorga [6], a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Because families often want to maintain certain holiday traditions, sober folks like me can "experience judgment, challenging questions, pressure, or rejection."
Even though I know that my parents don't mean any real harm, their insistence that the holidays stay just as boozy as they ever were hurts my feelings. It's one thing for them to say that they support me but showing it would feel much better. It's not that I need them to not drink in front of me — though that would certainly be welcome — but that this experience makes me feel "invalidated and isolated," like Mayorga says.
Mayorga explains to me that, "For males within the Latinx culture, sobriety challenges masculinity ideals." Perhaps that's why my papi keeps drinking long after he's reached the line between friendly inebriation and a bit of a drunk mess. And as someone who is sober, it's difficult to be around him when he's crossed that line. Usually, I try to leave the party long before this happens.
How Can You Set Boundaries With Your Latinx Family?
The biggest thing I had to learn after getting sober is what boundaries are and why they're important. It will probably not surprise you to know that, like many Latinx families, we never really had any boundaries. In fact, I had honestly never even heard of the word used when talking about how families interact with each other — so it was a huge surprise when the therapist who diagnosed me with alcohol use disorder and a generalized anxiety disorder in rehab told me that I needed to set some boundaries.
So, what is a boundary, exactly? According to Mayorga, a boundary "can be physical space, such as walking away from a conversation or group" or it "can be emotional, such as limiting and/or not allowing oneself to be overly reactive" if relatives are trying to push against the boundary you are trying to set. Boundaries can also "be mental, such as holding a firm boundary on the topic."
Knowing what a boundary is, however, doesn't necessarily help us to set them. With my family, boundaries continue to be an ongoing conversation and, I admit, a tough conversation at times. Like many people who try to set boundaries with their families, my family tries to push back. So if you're looking to set some boundaries, expect that pushback is likely to happen. But that doesn't mean that setting a boundary is the wrong choice. Instead, it probably means that you really, really, need to do it.
Depending on your comfort level, there are a few different ways to set boundaries with your Latinx family when it comes to holiday gatherings. Mayorga suggests that "individuals can make a plan to visit family for a set amount of time, limit certain topics of conversation, or have limited engagement with unhelpful family members."
I would actually suggest that you do all three depending on the situation. If a family member begins to ask awkward questions or say things like "oh, you can have just one!", I suggest walking away. If you know that there's a certain family member or event that really gets out of control, plan your exit strategy before you even get there. And if you have a bad feeling about a particular gathering, it's totally okay to excuse yourself and not go — even if you have to make up a last-minute excuse about feeling sick. Oh, is that a cough?
Remember: Setting boundaries is about you and your priorities. And there is nothing more important than your sobriety, ever. So tell your family that you love them but that you can't stay late tonight. It'll be okay, I promise.
Tips For Staying Sober During Family Gatherings
Staying sober during family gatherings [7] can be tricky due to a variety of reasons. For me, the most awkward thing is when someone inevitably asks "but you can have just one, can't you?" Thankfully, that's something I have dealt with outside of family gatherings, so I am usually armed with a response like "no, I'm good, thanks" or "I'm happier not even trying one." Mayorga suggests that sober people prepare for this question ahead of time and "approach it from a non-judgmental and objective space." Since this question is likely to come up, she says: "Identify a response that you are comfortable with, without over-explaining." Sometimes, the simplest thing to do is to have a mocktail in your hand and just say, "I'm happy with the drink I have."
Have a Strong Support System
Another thing that both I and Mayorga recommend is having a strong support system that you can lean on when and if things get a bit rough with your family. For me, that is my husband. He quit alcohol in order to support my recovery shortly after we met and has been my biggest champion in sobriety ever since. When I'm having a tough time, I know that I can lean on him for anything from a quick hug to reminding me that it's okay to leave the fiesta early. Mayorga also recommends having a friend that you can call or text for support or "a relative that will be supportive of your sobriety that you can spend more time with."
Have a Plan
Last but not least, it's important to remember that feeling discomfort during family gatherings can be completely natural even if you're not sober. We've all had those weird conversations with our abuelita about why you're still single or your tío about why you just can't seem to agree on politics. So being sober during the holidays is really no different, which is why Mayorga recommends "preparing for the level of anxiety that you will feel when setting a boundary." It's also really important to have a plan on how you will tolerate and accept this discomfort so that you can follow through with the boundary you have decided to set.
For me, getting sober was and continues to be the best thing I ever did. Since giving up alcohol, I reignited my career, moved states to find my happy place, and met my husband with whom I now have a beautiful baby boy. Protecting my sobriety is number one on my list, during the holidays and beyond, because I know that it's the only way to protect the life I rebuilt for myself since those boozy days when everything fell apart. My family understands that, even if they sometimes forget because they're so focused on our holiday traditions and gatherings. But managing an alcohol-free life isn't about not being able to enjoy the coquito or sangria I once loved during this time of year. An alcohol-free life is about embracing the possibilities of everything life has to offer outside of just drinking. And you know what? I enjoy my Latinx family gatherings so much more now that I'm not passing out on the couch before we even sit down to dinner.