15 Sanity-Saving Lies Moms Tell Their Kids

The truth: sometimes moms have to lie in order to stay sane. Our kids are tiny, constantly question-asking, request-making machines that drive us to stretch, bend, and totally ignore the truth; sometimes so we can get them to do what we want them to do, other times just to get them to shut up for longer than 20 seconds.

Let's just play through what actually telling the truth to your 4-year-old would look like when she asks you, for example, where you've put that glitter-covered snowman she made in preschool two months ago. "Well, honey, it was messy and didn't really look like a snowman, so when you weren't looking, I threw it in the trash, so by now it's probably pretty deep in a landfill." Her reaction is not going to be pretty. So moms lie because our kids can't always handle the truth, and honestly, neither can we.

Here are 15 fibs you'll regularly hear moms telling, without a single regret.

  1. The lie: What I'm eating is super spicy.
    The truth: I really don't want to share it with you, so stop eyeing it, okay?
  2. The lie: I'll look for that craft you made last week.
    The truth: It's been in the garbage since you went to sleep that night.
  3. The lie: I have to go make dinner/clean something/fold laundry.
    The truth: Mommy needs some alone time, so please don't follow me.
  4. The lie: Your favorite shirt is dirty.
    The truth: I can't stand seeing you in that Batman tee one more day in a row.
  5. The lie: Starbucks only serves adults and only sells adult drinks.
    The truth: Coffee is vital. Frappuccinos and cake pops are not, so I'm not going to be the one to introduce you to them (nor am I spending $6 on a coffee-free drink you'll take two sips of).
  6. The lie: I have the police and your teacher on speed dial.
    The truth: I have tried every other tactic to get you to behave, so now I'm just going to scare the sh*t out of you.
  7. The lie: The ice cream shop/toy store/park is closed.
    The truth: I don't have the energy to fight with you about why we can't go to the ice cream shop/toy store/park right now, or possibly, I just don't want to go.
  8. The lie: We'll do that tomorrow.
    The truth: I would like you to stop talking now, and I'm hoping you'll forget about whatever you're asking to do by tomorrow.
  9. The lie: That thing you're doing is illegal.
    The truth: I don't want to be the bad guy, and I really just want you to put your seat belt on or stop attempting to stand on a restaurant table or run into the parking lot by yourself, so . . . police.
  10. The lie: Your Elf on the Shelf didn't move because you were bad yesterday.
    The truth: I f*cking forgot to move it because you exhausted me yesterday.
  11. The lie: Your iPads are dead and Netflix isn't working.
    The truth: It's bedtime, not screen time, little people.
  12. The lie: They won't let us come back to this restaurant if you run/scream/fight.
    The truth: I guess this could be true, but more likely, I just want you to stop acting like a lunatic and start behaving so I can drink my glass of wine in peace.
  13. The lie: If you don't brush your teeth, they'll fall out and you won't be able to eat ever again.
    The truth: I've asked you to brush your teeth 20 times and you still haven't done it.
  14. The lie: I will take away your iPad forever if you keep acting like this.
    The truth: I will never permanently take away your iPad, as doing so would punish me way more than you.
  15. The lie: I'm the boss; you are not in charge in this house.
    The truth: Man, I wish that was actually true.