13 New Year's Resolutions, According to Your Toddler

When it comes to making New Year's resolutions, people typically think about the behaviors and habits they want to change and adopt in the fresh year, but if a toddler were to make resolutions, the saying wouldn't exactly go, "New year, new toddler." As they're basically their own species of human who can't seem to ever behave or keep any part of their lives consistent for more than a few days, it would be near impossible for them to turn over a new leaf in the New Year.

If you have a toddler in your home, read through for the 13 New Year's resolutions they will likely be making this year.

  1. I will not throw tantrums in public. Unless you forget to pack the snack I want, don't buy me a toy, look at me the wrong way, or tell me I'm being good.
  2. I will not prolong my bedtime routine. Except for when I don't want to take a bath, decide I need three glasses of water, and just don't want to go to bed yet.
  3. I will not refuse the food you make me. Unless it isn't macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets, or is a plate of either of those two that I don't like the look of.
  4. I will not argue with you over what to wear to preschool. Unless you tell me I can't go to school in my underwear, rain boots, and a superhero cape.
  5. I will not complain when you tell me a play date is over. Until you mention something about me getting my shoes on to go, then I'll lose my sh*t.
  6. I will not throw anything on the floor during mealtimes. Except when you give me the green cup when I asked for the green cup but changed my mind.
  7. I will not run around the house naked. Unless you tell me not to, then I honestly have to.
  8. I will not use my art supplies on furniture, tables, or walls. Unless the urge to make art on anything but paper takes over my soul, then I can't make any promises.
  9. I will not make in-app purchases on the iPad. Except for when you forget to disable them and I'm not paying attention to what I'm doing because I'm 3 years old.
  10. I will not argue when you tell me screen time is over. Unless I'm watching mystery egg videos on YouTube, or those weird ones where toys are hidden inside Play-Doh.
  11. I will not wake up screaming your name in the middle of the night. Unless I wake up in the middle of the night.
  12. I will not prolong this potty training thing any longer. Unless you decide that a pee pee or poo poo isn't worth a few M&M's anymore, then I'm over it.
  13. I will not refuse to share with my parents, siblings, or friends. Except for when they ask to play with my toys or any of their toys that are mine.