Ditch the Coffee — Here's How Much Wine You'll Need For Every Upcoming Back-to-School Situation
Using coffee as a way to keep yourself ready and raring to go is a thing of the past. These days, we're turning to Mommy's grape juice to help us with the nitty-gritty scenarios, especially the situations back-to-school season gets us into. Waking up sleepy kids? Turn to your trusty Merlot. Buying enough colored pencils to construct a life-size replica of your child's school? Grab a bottle of your favorite Pinot Grigio. It's going to be a long school year, mamas.
Scroll through to find out approximately how much wine you'll need for every upcoming back-to-school situation on a scale of 🍷 to 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷.
Getting your kids into bed the night before school.
Waking up the kids who refused to go to sleep the night before.
You obviously caved to several of the "five more minutes" pleas, so your groggy kiddos are not equipped to handle the morning in any way, shape, or form.
Substitute your morning coffee for the good stuff. 🍷🍷🍷
Arguing with your child over what they can wear to school.
They probably want to wear that cape they've been wearing all Summer, the one with the grass stains and popsicle smudges that smells a bit like an adult male locker room, right? Although you probably went back-to-school shopping and bought a ton of great new options for their premiere outfit, this part is always a struggle.
Drink up, mama. 🍷🍷🍷 (Add an extra glass if you give up and send them in with the cape on anyway.)
Packing lunches — something different for every kid, of course.
You made lunches all Summer, but it was without a time limit and they didn't have to fit into little plastic boxes stuffed with ice packs. You also didn't need to double- or triple-check what they actually wanted to eat because you would be there to encourage them to eat every last bite — at school they're on their own, and you need those little bellies full. So much pressure.
Spread peanut butter and jelly with one hand, tip back that tumbler with the other. 🍷🍷
School-supplies shopping with kids in tow.
Doing any kind of shopping with your kids is a nightmare (seriously, why are you even doing this to yourself?), but back-to-school shopping is a special hell located in the Crayola aisle of your local Target. You have crayons and markers at home, but they're on that damn list and your kid knows it. Here's a one-way ticket to 64-pack-of-crayons-they'll-barely-use land, population: you and every other mom at the store.
Cheers the other moms and take a nice, long swig. 🍷🍷🍷🍷
Fudging the Summer reading project your child forgot to do all vacation.
"Mom, I have to do my Summer reading project," said every kid ever at 8 p.m. on the night before school starts. Grab the poster board, Google the kiddo chapter book they had three months to read, and show off your best BS skills for your kids, who you'll encourage to do independent, quality work this school year.
Hypocrisy goes best with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, we feel. 🍷🍷🍷🍷
First day drop-off with an attached child.
Ah, the child with separation anxiety. You feel for your baby, you really do, but you just want to drop them off and get the hell out of that germy kid room as fast as your legs can carry you — the legs that are being weighed down by a child with a vice-grip and tears streaming down their sweet little face. Give them a pep talk and book it out of there.
You deserve this more than anyone. 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷
Signing up for after-school activities.
Either your child doesn't want to sign up for anything but you feel obligated to put them out there, or they want to do it all and you can't imagine how you're going to clone yourself to cart them around to all of these dance classes and baseball games.
Relax and take a sip of the good stuff. 🍷🍷
Meeting your child’s teacher.
Hopefully your child's teacher is a delightful Miss Honey from Matilda type of woman, but life isn't always fair. If your child has landed the Miss Trunchbull of the school, it may be a long year for both of you.
Miss Honey doesn't look like she drinks, but you could try to share a glass with her anyway. 🍷
Miss Trunchbull definitely drinks, but sharing with her is not an option. 🍷🍷🍷
Trying to get a photo of your children on their first day.
The difficulty level increases with each squirmy child you add to the photo and also depends on how long you spent on your Pinterest-level chalkboard with their name and grade beautifully hand-lettered. They don't appreciate the sentimentality of a good first-day photo as much as you do, naturally, so this may be a losing battle.
Just snap the photo as quickly as possible, then chug. 🍷🍷
The first PTA meeting of the semester.
Every mom you avoided all Summer in one room and ready to get their fundraiser on while your biggest goal for the week is getting to Target without the kids. Perfect.
Pro-tip: a Starbucks trenta cup holds an entire bottle of wine, and PTA moms love themselves some Starbucks. 🍷🍷🍷🍷