I've had something on my mind for the past few months – I guess it started around December. I've been itching to make a change, and now that the weather's warmed, it's time to do a little Spring cleaning. It's not you, it's me — no wait, it is you, because, tights, you suck. And here's why we need to end this relationship:
- You Hurt Me: Maybe I was out a little late the night before, and perhaps I ate and drank a bit too much. But having to hear about it all day from my control-top waistband? Not cool.
- You Lie: Remember that time when you swore you were black, and I wore you to work with an LBD? I made it all the way to my desk until it hit me under those harsh Halogen lights that you were in fact brown.
- You Can't Go the Distance: It's not my fault that I'm 5'11" and my legs are long. It shouldn't be an Olympic event hiking you up each and every morning (and several times throughout the day).
- You're Clingy: If I wanted my dress to adhere itself to my butt, I'd have worn a tighter dress. But as it is, I'm giving everyone around me a show when I remove my coat to reveal the delightful (and sometimes shocking) effects of static.
- You Split on Me: It's news to me if tights are only meant to be worn once or twice before they tear at the briefest contact with a chipped nail, the corner of a table, or the New York City sidewalk.
- You're Too Needy: You can't be alone for a second, because as soon as I take off my dress, things get ugly (and by things, I mean you).
- You Smell: There, I said it. Cleaning up after you is no bed of roses — it's not like I can just toss you in the washing machine with my gym socks.
- You're Not Pants: Let's face it, in the realm of legwear, you'll always come in second place.
Don't try to fight it — I've found someone new, and I think we'll be very happy together. And, maybe after a Summer of going it on my own (and remembering how irritating daily shaving, bronzing, and moisturizing can be), I'll have a change of heart.
See you in September,