Jessica_zombie_1 >> Dearest Jessica Simpson,

I just want to compliment you on the look you sported at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards.  You've really got that "Hey, I'm another hottie blonde starlet who married the lead singer of a super prestigious boy band and then made a bitchin' TV show about it, who are you" pose down pat. And the "I just stuffed too much chicken (of the sea, of course) down my throat and now I'm choking" look just makes you so loveable -- in fact, I just want to hug you (or do the Heimlich on you, one of the two).  You can give your dad my regards -- he groomed you well for celebrity.  A real classic-beauty-in-training we've got in you -- soon you'll be right up there with Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn, no sweat.  Gosh, and the whole pencil of black eyeliner you used just compliments the color of your eyes so well -- I wish I could pull off the sunken-eyed zombie look as well as you can.  Not to mention to mention that nice healthy orangePoodlehair tint you have to your skin -- how did you ever spend so much time in the tanning beds without getting a goggles tan?  Or is that what you were trying to cover up with all the eyeliner?  One more thing -- it was so charitable of you to adopt that abandoned poodle from the SPCA, I fully support that.  And I know that she only cries and whimpers when you leave her at home alone.  But really, did you have to pin her to the back of your head to bring her along?  The look is ghastly. 

Oh my gaa I can't believe you walked out of the house like that,