The 6 Stages of Booty Acceptance
I write a lot about health and fitness, but so far I've avoided writing anything along the lines of "Do These [insert number here] Moves For a Great [insert body part here]." It's time for me to break that streak, though, because after decades of personal research I believe that I've identified the definitive six-step guide to becoming beautifully bootylicious. Without further ado, ladies, pull up a chair while I share my secrets with you.
Be Born to a Mom With a Great Butt
(Hi Mom! Thanks for that!) Or at least have some good butt genes somewhere in your family. I am a carbon copy of my mom, and my pear shape fell directly from her tree, but you might be able to find a booty role model on a more distant branch of your own family tree. Your aunt? Your paternal grandmother (check the old black-and-white photos to see if back in the day she was working some back)? Good genes are without a doubt the most efficient way to get a great butt, so keep looking until you find some.
Be Raised by Parents Who Make You Eat Your Vegetables and Vilify Soda
Poor diet can usurp even the most bootylicious genes, and diet habits are often formed from a very young age. I owe my curves to my mom, not only for sharing her genes with me, but also for sending me out into the world with the basic understanding that real food — especially fruits and vegetables — are best, and processed sugary foods are best enjoyed at birthday parties and camping trips (looking at you, tiny cereal box sample pack). You can certainly learn these habits later in life, but if you’re truly committed to having a great backside, you’re best off putting as much of the responsibility on your parents as possible.
Wonder Why Your Little-in-the-Middle-but-She-Got-Much-Back Body Doesn't Looks Like the Celeb's
Even if your parents do everything right, part and parcel of the teenage experience is blaming them for something, right? I was incredulous that I was destined to look exactly like my mom when all that my superficial teenage heart longed for was a long, lean, lithe body like Gwyneth Paltrow. I cursed my full hips and my muscular soccer player’s legs. Why, oh why, was I cursed with this booty?!
Spend the Entirety of Your Early Adolescence "Dressing For Your Body Type"
Minimizing your wide hips with A-line skirts, bootcut jeans, and long flowy tops is a must. I devoured these tips in Seventeen and Marie Claire. Yes, yes, I nodded, I do see how much better that woman looks in a fit-and-flare dress than she did in a clingy shift. I did it all — boyshort bikini bottoms, statement tops on top of black pants, pinstripes, and every cut of jean that promised to make my rear look more diminutive. Do I look lithe yet?! (No. No, I didn’t.)
Watch in Amazement as J Lo and Then Kim Kardashian Become Publicly Celebrated For Their "Assets"
Remember when J Lo busted onto the scene and the fact that she had that voluptuous, womanly booty was headline news? And then Beyoncé released a song titled "Bootylicious" (!) and it was officially official: tt’s not only OK now, it’s actually a good thing to have some junk in the trunk. Fit chicks take over social media with “belfies” (butt selfies, for you pure of heart out there), actually showing off just how round and shapely their glutes are. My head explodes. My time has come.
The body type that you've always had is now trending and you officially have a great booty! You did it!
The moral here, of course, is that every body has its beauty, and sometimes it just takes the rest of the world a little while to catch on. I’m enjoying my moment in the sun while my natural body shape is en vogue, but I fully expect to be out of style again when the next “body trend” hits. So if a round booty isn’t in your make-up, fear not: your tiny tush or your soft tummy or your asymmetrical boobs could be the next big thing. And even if they aren’t, the sooner you decide that they’re your next big thing, the better off you are. Because you know what’s always en vogue? Confidence.