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Questions Only a Wine Snob Would Ask

Wine lovers gather! Only on a thread like Quora's "How Can One Become Pretentious About Red Wine" could we discover the laugh-out-loud things that a wine snob would say or do.

1. "Go for the anthropomorphization of your miserable beverage: this wine is . . . I might say . . . devious, even a somewhat coquettish grape, no?" — Olivia Van Nieuwenhuizen

2. "Take a small first sip, and comment on the taste, noting that the first taste will likely be sour." — Ian Wong

3. "[Use] exclusive-sounding words in place of simple descriptors. For example, old, elegant, and cuvée rather than pleasing, refreshing, value, and enjoy." — Lawrence Sinclair

4. "Point your pinkie and keep your posture straight. Looking pretentious gets you 50 percent of the way there." — Ian Wong

5. "Don't forget to aerate the wine in your mouth by sucking in some air. Lots of pretentious style points, but don't gargle!" — Michael Kim

6. "Hold the wineglass by pinching the flat base of the glass with just your thumb and index finger. Added points for folding your non-wineglass-holding arm behind your back." — Michael Kim

8. "Name a berry or cherry." — Ryan Sholin

9. "Name a wood." — Ryan Sholin

10. "Mention tannins for a Cabernet, Merlot, or Pinot Noir. Mention pepper anytime a Zinfandel is in play." — Ryan Sholin

11. "Mention parts of your face. As in, 'This Cabernet has a bit of a blackberry thing on the nose, really good oak, and not too much in the way of tannins,' or, 'ZOMG, this Zinfandel is full of white pepper, and there's a really strong black cherry on the nose, but the finish is all oaky." — Ryan Sholin

12. "You must, no matter what, keep your teeth closed the entire time you talk about the wine . . . like Thurston Howell III. Adding a slight, upward tilt of the head, while incorporating a frown, will also help." — Kirsten Fox

13. "Hold your wineglass at the very bottom, around the base. Swirl constantly, and look around at others." — Joe Becerra

14. "Complain that it doesn't even remotely compare to the 2009 Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley (estimated $1,850 per bottle)." — Ryan Lum

15. "Bring your own stemware to be a champion douche bag." — John Smartz

16. "Order a wine from the wine list that specifies a particular vintage . . . and then . . . proceed to say, 'I specifically selected the 2006 as it's a far superior vintage in my view.'" — Mike Millar

17. "Smell the cork . . . Take a long deep smell, then follow it with a slight look of displeasure and annoyance while you curtly ask for a new bottle as this one has been corked." — Andrew Gutsch

18. "When I want to impress, I simply whip out my own in-house sommelier, Sebastian." — Joel Postman

19. "What's the oak program for this wine, 100 percent new French? Which forests? Toast level? Mixed staves? Why?" — Lucas J. Meeker

20. "Is the vineyard foggy?" — Lucas J. Meeker

21. "After about two bottles I become pretentious about everything." — Andy Paras

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