1. *Doors open* Ah, it's like the gods parting the clouds to heaven.
2. OK, time to shop and stick to my list. First, apples.
3. Wait, the flower selection is so good today. Let me just pick up a couple of bouquets (#treatyourself).
4. Oh, look — new organic cabbage and kale slaw! I should eat more kale. I need this. *adds to cart*
5. Ugh, how is it always so crowded no matter what time I come?
6. Hello, glorious cheese section.

15 minutes later . . .

7. OK, back to business. Up next: bread.
8. Ooooh, free samples! I wonder if the guy will notice if I walk by three different times.
9. I really need some coffee. Allow me to help myself to this convenient free coffee dispenser for just a tiny cup travel mug. *looks around to see if anyone, namely any employees, are judging*
10. They have gluten-free English muffins? They look pretty good. Maybe I should give up gluten.
11. But then, trail mixes. I can't say no to Peanut Butter Cup Trax Mix [1]. In you go.
12. Hard pass on the cereal. No one is buying that TJ's O's are the same as Cheerios. No one.
13. Hahaha! This is so easy. Sticking to my list.
14. If I avert my eyes from the chocolate-covered [2] section, it doesn't exist. Sh*t, I just saw Sea Salt and Turbinado Sugar Dark Chocolate Almonds [3]. My arm has a mind of its own.
15. Damn you, delicious frozen foods. All right, I need the frozen salmon [4], but I really, really need five of these frozen mac and cheeses [5] because it's dinner all night, every night.
16. Ugh, these strategically placed cookies on the shelves above the frozen foods always pull me in. Joe-Joe's for the road? Sure, why not?
17. But then crackers. My cheese will be so sad and lonely without them. I must have at least three different kinds.
18. OK, back to business. All right, move it people. I need to get to the chip aisle pronto.
19. Finally! That was like pulling teeth.
20. All right, gotta get my popcorn and pasta. #Staples
21. They have pickle-flavored popcorn?! And it's only $2?? Don't mind if I do.
22. Also I need more cookie butter. Is it physically possible to live on pure cookie butter?
23. Now to the most important section: the booze.
24. "This Rosé is only $3 — there's no way it's good." *buys five bottles*
25. F*ck. The checkout line is brutal. Would it be inappropriate to unscrew that bottle of wine now?
26. Well hello, cutie in the Hawaiian shirt. Why does Trader Joe's have such attractive employees?
27. Why do I always forget cash even though I know the cash-only line will have approximately two people in it?
28. OK, making some progress.
29. Mmm, Chocolate-Covered Sea Salted Butterscotch Caramels. A few of those nuggets will make this line less horrible.
30. Sh*t, I forgot my reuseable bags. Time to buy my 50th Trader Joe's burlap bag.
31. Did I seriously just get two full bags of groceries for $40? Love ya, TJ's.