17 Things You Should Never (No, No Way) Say to Your Latina Mom
Your mom is a strong woman — what we call "una mujer de armas tomar" — which is why you need to be careful when speaking to her. You should know that thinking twice about the words you're going to use (whether you're telling her something important or simply responding to one of her questions) is a must, and that if you have bad news, you might want to have someone there for emotional support (because she's going to yell). She might have said the words "you can tell me anything" before, but we know that's a lie. There are just certain words you could never utter in her presence, no matter what. Here they are — you've been warned.
"I'm Not a Virgin"
Prepare for a million and one questions to come your way.
"I Like to Get Drunk Sometimes"
Your mom likes to think that you're still a little girl and not even legal to do anything at all, let alone drink.
"I'm Staying at My Boyfriend's House"
She will immediately think that there is something wrong with you for even thinking that was a possibility.
"I Want to Move In With My Partner"
If you don't have a ring on that finger, chances are you need to prepare to get the speech of a lifetime from her.
"I'm on Birth Control"
"Ay, Dios mio" are the first words that will come out of her mouth.
No, you didn't. We know you didn't. Prepare for the wrath!
"And What Are You Going to Do About It"
She'll first act all cool, but you wait. The freak out is coming.
Your mom won't even know what hit her if you drop a "whatever" on her. That's not a word that's allowed to even be said in front of her.
"You're So Dramatic"
If Rogelio on Jane the Virgin has taught you anything, it should be to never, ever, ever call your parents dramatic.
"I Don't Think I Want to Have Kids"
You have officially crushed all of her hopes and dreams of ever being an abuela.
Even if you're married and have been talking about having a kid for years, she's going to faint. Obviously, you actually have to tell her you're pregnant, but make sure she's sitting down first.
"I'm Not Hungry"
You are always hungry. The end.
"I Got a Tattoo"
Your body is hers (in her head), so why would you think it's OK to brand yourself like that?
"I'm Not Going to College"
Oh, you are going.
"I Got a B in My Class"
Anything short of an A+ is failure.
"But My Friends Are Going"
She doesn't care about your friends, so why even bring that up.
"Is That All?"
Only say this if you've already spotted the closest exit, because you're going to need to run.