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The 4-Way: Dating the Ex’s Friend

Divine Caroline and I are back with another edition of the 4-Way. Enjoy!
Dear 4-Way,

I just broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago. Honestly, the relationship had been over for a while, so by the time the breakup actually went down, it was pretty friendly; we still talk all the time. She’s got a friend I’ve always found really attractive, and recently the friend mentioned to my ex-girlfriend that she’s interested in me too. My ex says she’s okay with it if we go out, but a couple of my girl friends tell me that I shouldn’t even consider asking her out, no matter what my ex-girlfriend says, so I’m not sure what to do. What do you guys think?—TM, Los Angeles, California

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear TM,

When it comes to dating peoples' exes, I say N.O. It sounds as though you and your ex have a pretty good relationship so why would you potentially ruin it over some girl that you've "always found really attractive"? As a female myself, I can tell you that most women would be upset by an ex dating a friend, even though yours is giving you her blessing. Since you are broken up, she really doesn't have a right to do otherwise, but that doesn't necessarily mean she'll be okay with seeing you out with her friend, seeing you kissing her friend, or even hearing about you dating her friend.

Now TM, if carrying on a friendship with your ex isn't all that important to you after all, by all means date this woman, but if this is a friendship that you in some way value, I'm going to advise you to steer clear of mixing such relationships — it's just too close for comfort.

On this one, I'm with you Rebecca Brown!

Fixe Fixe 9 years
i would say that you shouldn't date your ex's friend, but if she is giving you the blessing then why not. if she said it was okay then it's okay, she obviously doesn't have a problem. if you guys have a good relationship and you are honest with one another, then it' shouldn't be a problem. why get in the way of love, things are meant to be for a reason, right?!
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I'm dating my ex's friend who I've always had a thing for! My ex set us up! I don't see the big deal, personally. If it was the other way around though... women care more about these things so it would be a no. :p Guys couldn't care less though.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
Im with Sun_Sun, it seems like your ex wouldn't have told you that her friend was interested if she wasn't ok with the idea. But I agree it will be awkward so be nice (if the friend and you work out), I wouldn't be like all over each other in front of the ex, lol, I would hope that's obvious though.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
PS. also think about if you're really interested in your ex's friend or you're doing it to get back at your ex. So make sure you're really over your ex first.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
I was EXACTLY in your position. I got interested in my ex's friend and asked my ex and his friend also asked him if it was ok if we started going out and my ex said yes. And ever since then our relationship has been great. And now we've been together for almost 4 years! So I say yes. I agree with comment 4. Take a chance because she could be the one =) But remember that it is going to be awkward at first because of your ex seeing you with her friend.
mlen mlen 9 years
it depends on personalities really. i'm not sure i could do it but some people can! i have guy friends who both dated the same girl. actually its happened a few times lol but one i can think of successfully, this girl dated one guy briefly, then his bff for a while, and then a few years later dated the 1st guy again and has been with him for a couple years now! it seems strange when you think about it but some how they were all cool- the two guys are still bff, the girl is friends with the other guy's gf- and all is well. so stranger things have happened!
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
After mum's cousin broke this dude's heart after dumping him and talking about him in bed, he got with my mom. He is now my step dad, and is pretty successful [although he has some "asshole-like" tendencies. If she says its okay, then its okay. Really, women are NOT that complicated. Besides, that chick could be "the one," which is what happened with mum and step dad. Have at it, dude.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
i wouldn't do it. reminds me of high school when people would swap boyfriends. that's like me dating my best friend's ex-husband . . .she says it's okay, but ewww. it's her sloppy seconds. i already know your M.O.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Do you really care if you stay friends with your ex? If the other girl mentioned it and your ex says she's okay with it, I say go for it. I don't think you'll have any problems. You should be prepared for your ex and your new girl to not be as close as they once were.
Sporky Sporky 9 years
I think since the ex said it's okay, why not? Otherwise I'd say no way.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
well i would usually say its forbidden territory, BUT this seems like an exception. the fact is ur ex is the one who told u her friend's interested in u. she didnt have to. i personally wouldnt tell an ex that my friend was interested if the thought of them bothered me. seems like shes REAAALLLLYYY over u. i say try it out. :)
Blackwood Blackwood 9 years
I would do it. After all, you've got your ex's blessing and already know that the girl is equally interested in you as you are in her. Sure, it could be awkward at first, but with time you'll all get used to it, and if you two last a long time together, it will even seem weird to remember you used to date your ex first! (seen that happen...) Plus, I agree with sundaygreen, what if she's the girl for you? You already know that you like her and she likes you. That's a good start.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
I wouldn't say no, what if she's the girl for you? Take a chance buddy.
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 9 years
I say nonononono!
jodie_ohlala jodie_ohlala 9 years
I started dating my ex's friend and we've been together for almost 4 years!
RaCheer RaCheer 9 years
I say that's forbidden territory. Your ex may say she's fine with it but it will sting no matter what. Don't do it!
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