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Advice About Being Able to Trust Guys

You Asked: Raped at a Party

Dear Sugar,

When I was 19-years-old, I was raped at a party. Ever since then it's been hard for me to be in relationship or to have sex in general. I don't trust any guys even though most of my friends are male. I recently kissed my best friend and I'm freaking out. I know he likes me, but I don't want to make him go through the horrible relationship pattern I always go through. I tend to break up with a guy I'm seeing many times and then get back together. I'm afraid after that I'll eventually lose him as a friend not to mention the fact that I'm moving 7,000 miles away in two months. I'm very confused, please help.

—Can't Get Close Clara

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Can't Get Close Clara,

I can completely understand that your horrible past experience has made you nervous and apprehensive about being able to open your heart to a man in a relationship. It makes sense that when you like someone and things get too serious, you worry about getting hurt so instinct tells you to pull away — it's your defense mechanism getting the best of you. Have you ever tried talking to a therapist? You understandably have some things you need to work through and a good therapist could help you feel better about getting close to someone without feeling the need to push him away.

I think you recognize that you're not emotionally ready to be in a relationship, so I'd focus on deepening your friendship with this guy for now. There's no reason you need to rush into anything serious, especially since you're planning on moving away. As you become closer friends with this man, you'll feel more comfortable trusting him. If you find that this relationship is really growing in the right direction, then you can decide if you want to turn it into something more romantic. Remember to take things slowly and with time and a few positive experiences, you'll hopefully realize that there are definitely honest guys out there that you can trust.


Join The Conversation
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
I was raped at a party when i was 20, i was very drunk and never ended up pressing charges. I did however get counseling and that helped alot. The most important thing is to not keep it a secret, to tell your family, it will rot you away if you dont.
iim srry to hear that. But you should try seeing someone to talk out how your`re feeling. Its not your fault why this happened. You should talk to your bestfriend and let him know how your feeling so he doesnt sit in the dark and your friiendship wont be lost. Take care.
red4bonez red4bonez 9 years
you need to go to counseling and that is the most important thing. If you are close with that friend maybe it would help you if you talked to him about it. But counseling is important. And talk to him.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
Make sure you communicate your feelings to him clearly... he's one of your best friends so he should be understanding. If you really want to avoid the pattern then talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. If you really trust him, tell him your history and explain all the things you're feeling because of it. Don't leave him in the dark.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 9 years
I wish you the best of luck with your healing endeavor. I'm sure there are many support groups - online and in person - that will help you greatly. It would be nice to be able to talk about your experience and subsequent issues with people who completely understand.
emalove emalove 9 years
I'm 30 years old now, but experienced a very similar situation when I was also 19 years old and in college. It wasn't at a party though, it was a guy that I'd been dating casually for a couple of months and really liked. To say that it turned my life upside down for the next couple of years is an understatement. I was quite wary of most guys for a long time and what their intentions were...I ended almost every new relationship I started after a couple of dates. I even got back together with my high school sweetheart because I thought he was the only "safe" guy out there. I don't think you are ready to have a relationship right now...if he's your best friend, he will probably understand why you aren't. I think you need to take care of yourself and focus on getting through this. Whether that involves counseling is up to you...although I think it could help. I didn't go to counseling. Instead I actually BECAME a counselor at the Rape Crisis Center nearby because I didn't want other teenage girls to experience what I did. I thought this would help me work through my own emotions, by helping others. I guess in a way it did, but mostly I wasn't ready for it and I had to quit. Looking back, I wish I had tried therapy. Good luck...I know it may not seem like it now, but you will heal♥
kia kia 9 years
oh honey, I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you have sought professional counseling in this matter. it seems like you may have an "ice queen" persona with the romantic interests but you know why. work on that and if he is your best friend he'll understand your process.
Glitter_21 Glitter_21 9 years
As a rape victim in a similar situation I can relate to how you are feeling; I was raped over ten years ago. I have been through therapy, group counseling, and done journals. I encourage you to do the same. If you are afraid, don't be; everyone I have met in the healing process has been understanding and helpful. I also found reading different kinds of self-help books, yoga and meditation have helped over the years. I would definitely seek out a therapist, and don't feel like you have to stick with the first one you meet. You need to feel comfortable. Healing will take time and truly dating is a way to escape your issue at hand. If you focus on yourself now, you may have an even better relationship with this person or someone else in the future. Take care...
annebreal annebreal 9 years
I think you should work on you first. Counseling, support groups, reflection, journaling...anything to help you get stronger after what happened to you. Relationships will be easier and more fulfilling once you've gotten a handle on yourself. Good luck!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
have you sought counseling over what happened to you? if not, do so now. It can help you greatly.
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