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Advice Column Conventional Wisdom

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Gay Man

I am a straight woman and I recently broke up with my ex of about three years. I was unhappy more than I was happy, and I wanted to be single again. I moved out and I'm generally enjoying the single life.

The only problem is dating! I just went on a date with a guy who was a casual acquaintance before. We planned to go to dinner, but when he failed to call me before 7 PM, I shot him a text. We met at the restaurant.

I dressed in jeans, boots, and a cute black top. Nothing too fancy, but date appropriate. He showed up in old jeans and — wait for it! — a backwards baseball cap! Throughout the date he proceeded to talk about how we should meet up with his buddies after at a bar. He continued to act generally rude all night, and after offering to get the bill, he actually changed his mind to have us split. It's not like I expect a free meal, but the whole thing was bizarre! I'm getting the feeling that no men out there understand the concept of good dressing and appropriate manners!

I went on a date to get over my ex, but it was so bad I want my ex back. Help!


Woman Whose Ex Is Looking Better By the Minute

To read a gay man's answer


My dating life has paralleled yours in an almost eerie fashion. I, too, dated a boy for three years, though I would say most of the time I was pretty happy in that relationship. But, alas, it ended, and I've spent the past few years navigating the single world.

After a breakup, the first order of business is to find comfort in being alone. After spending a considerable time in a relationship, it can be hard not having a constant companion by your side. But taking this time to reacquaint you with yourself is paramount. It's best to do this before you jump into dating again. That way you won't be dating to get over the ex.

Now, in terms of this specific date, it sounds like this guy was a dud. But don't assume that all men are duds based on this one experience. Many of them are, but there are a few diamonds in the rough, and the exciting thing about dating is trying a couple guys on for size, and seeing which one fits (literally and figuratively!). This can take a week, a month, even years, but the beauty of this time is that it's spent with you, and aren't you fabulous?

Whatever you do, don't go back to the ex. You, yourself, said you were unhappy, and it's unlikely that anything drastic has changed that will make you feel differently about round two.

In the meantime, love yourself, and step out of your comfort zone. Just this weekend I joined a gay book club and our first meeting is next month. Who knows, by Summer I might be reading in bed with a new boy. Or, here's to hoping.

Good luck out there,
A Gay Guy

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.


Join The Conversation
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
This advice was good. Be content to be alone for a while. The date was a dud, don't go back to the ex and keep trying. What more could you ask? Anyway that guy sounded really immature. Too bad you couldn't have said you forgot you wallet when he asked to split the bill, and then batted that stupid hat off his head. Finally at the height of his rude behavior exclaiming of course you would like to hook up with his buddies, are any of them better looking than him? He he he.
iheartadambrody iheartadambrody 8 years
I love this! Heart felt and considerate, the in-house gay guy at Sugar is a gem! Keep it up kids, I need my daily sugar rush! xoxo
Symphonee Symphonee 8 years
I must say that Dan Savage give great advice. I read his column in my city's paper every week.
pieroni pieroni 8 years
I think GG is spot-on! Too many people who get out of a long-term relationship start dating too early to try to fill that void. You need to learn to love yourself and love being by yourself before jumping into a relationship--esp. a new one. If you depend on a constant companion, you could come off clingy to a new guy. Also, I think "trying a couple guys on for size, and seeing which one fits (literally and figuratively)" could just mean when cuddling. No one wants a bf who doesn't give good spoon! :D
redchick152 redchick152 8 years
haha, this is the story of my dating life......i broke up w/ my college bf after graduation and have been pretty much single for 2 years and have been on so many bad date!
Xemena Xemena 8 years
is it possible that your ex set you up with a bad date so you would consider him again , you know this reminds me so much of the movie : my best friend's girl. i dont know just a guess.
HoneyBrown1976 HoneyBrown1976 8 years
Good advice : ) However, let's not beat up on the poster who doesn't feel that a gay man can give good advice about straight men. She's entitled to her opinion (which, lately, some people have forgotten the concept of an opinion - follow the lemmings, people). Let's look at it this way: Would you go to a virgin for sex advice/tips? To be fair, it makes sense.
sham28 sham28 8 years
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 8 years
yeah YOU sound like u have a stick up your bum. I think the advice was great. its funny as well.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
You must be an expert then! ;)
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
Princess, sorry but If I want advice on how to deal with a straight man, I will ask a straight man. Love isnt gender specific but advice is best given by experts.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Uh, I suggest some of you check out Dan Savage. That is a gay man who knows how to give advice! (and yes, some *people*, whether gay or straight, do happen to give good love advice. Love is not gender-specific.)
chatondeneige chatondeneige 8 years
Care - surprisingly, I don't miss the other sites! I just think that this is dumb!
MsWalton MsWalton 8 years
I like this part of the blog! I love all of the gay men in my life and not only do they have excellent taste in fashion, but they give good advice. Good job TresSugar!
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
What would a gay guy know about straight men, and how to handle them?
care0531 care0531 8 years
I also think you need to give TresSugar a break! You miss the other sugar sites I get it but they are gone and it's time to move on. I think it was good advice and I think it was good to know it was coming from a Gay Guy. I wouldn't listen to advice from a straight man on a topic like this.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
well if it was spot on advice, I suggest you get some serious birth control and dont expect all the guys you try on "literally and figuratively" to respect you in the long run.
Beauty Beauty 8 years
I think "A Gay Guy"'s advice was spot-on. Get cool with yourself before rushing out to date someone else. Use this opportunity to do the things you've always wanted to do. When you're into your own life, the lurve will follow naturally. Also, I think you should have higher standards for the way guys treat you. If I have a dinner date and have heard nothing by 7 — or heck, 4pm — I say no dice. Good guys will make sure to have their plans in stone because they'll respect your time.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Well, if he hadn't called you by 7 then it definitely sounds like he wasn't interested and didn't consider it a date at all. I don't think you should either and don't give up on dating just because of one guy who had better things to do that night and only came out when you bugged him to. Find a guy who is actually interested in you, and you'll have yourself a good date.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
Caterpillar Girl...whats wrong with that advice?
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
I'm starting to like TreSugar stuff now... :) I like juicy emotional highly charged stories.... the more the better!
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I like the concept, Tres, keep going!
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
I think he gave great advice!
simplyfab87 simplyfab87 8 years
Good advice! Obviously some people don't get the point of the conventional wisdom post. Give tres a break.
miss-game miss-game 8 years
You may have agreed to dinner... but I kind of understand this guy's point of view. You were the one who 'shot him a text'. You also met at the restaurant. I wouldn't have paid for your dinner either. It sounds like you were deluded about what was going on. If he had called, asked you out, called to confirm, picked you up... then I would agree that this dude's behavior was not OK. This is pretty much a textbook example from "He's just not that into you" Sorry.
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