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Afraid to Date Guy Friend

"Should I Put Myself Out There and Date My Guy Friend?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

For years I've been telling my guy friend that I don't want a relationship with him. He eventually got into another relationship that he never told me about — I had to find out on my own — and I got upset. He still had feelings for me, so when I blew up about the situation, he broke up with her. Now things aren't how they used to be. He isn't showing me that he wants me like he used to, but now I think I might be ready for that relationship. I just don't know if he still wants it like he used to. I feel like I'm trying more, and he's pulling back more, but I don't think he's completely lost interest. What should I do? I don't want to put myself out there if he's not the person he used to be, but I don't want him in another relationship either. How can I get him to show me that person he was before? Or is that lost? Is he still interested in me? Or does he want the other girl back? What should I do?

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DJ-Osiris DJ-Osiris 4 years
No... No... A thousand times NO! If I was this guy, I would just move on and not even think about attempting a relationship with you. But that's just me. If you've thrown me into this "friendship zone", I will move on and not look back. At that point you've lost your chance. But he isn't me, and yes, he might still have feelings for you, but he may now be stuck deciding between you or his former girlfriend, whose relationship with him you clearly trashed for your own selfish reasons. Or it could be that, judging from how you describe it, he's probably had some time to think about it and the past rejections and doesn't see there being any benefit to being with someone who is so quick to reject him. It translates to interest level. Yes, you have a high interest level now, but how quickly are you likely to lose it in the future, being that you previously had absolutely no interest in him at all? My advice is to just let him be. If he wishes to pursue you again, he will, but don't force it on him. Don't call him. Don't text him. Don't email him. Don't chat with him. Let him make the move. If he doesn't, then you have your answer and the answer is that you've just been rejected. If that happens, get used to it, get over it, and move on, because you've done it enough to him to warrant a rejection in kind.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 4 years
To be honest, I think what you did is geninuely disgusting. This guy liked you for a long time and you just rejected him. Rejection hurts in itself. Then the moment he has a relationship, you blowup and RUIN it.! How selfish are you?. Get a hold of yourself you are acting so selfish. No wonder he is distancing himself from you. I doubt a relationship with him would work. I think you've done enough damage and you should leave him alone. You've used him enough. If you really cared about him, you'd let him be happy and leave him to get on with his life. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh but I think you need to wake up and think about how your actions make other people feel.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I have to aggree with bubbles, your actions are indicating pretty classic personality disorder traits. The push me pull you actions are extremely disfunctional. Every successful relationship involves risk. Putting yourself out there. And there's not such animal as a sure thing....all take work....whether it's partnering or committing to a therapist, you're putting yourself out there with no guarantee of a successful outcome. You obviously aren't ready for a partnering, you're using this guy to validate your self worth in a very destructive and manipulative way. And of course he's pushing away from spent years rejecting his romantic intentions, and the moment he finds something fulfilling with someone else you explode, he leaves her, and you still aren't available for a relationship. Go to therapy. Go directly to therapy, do not pass Go, do not collect 200$. You will continue this pushme pullyou manipulation unless you get some help. Let this guy go and be happy, while you go and get healthy. Leave him alone. Learn to be good to yourself, so that you can learn to be good to everyone else in your life. take care, girl Be well
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
He broke up for someone because of your feelings for him, you reject him for years...and now he still can't be enough for you to commit to him. And still you're not satisfied with the damage done. If there is any decency in you you will leave him alone and stop this game. Tell him the truth: you are in no shape right now to be kind to someone who loves you and you no longer wish to hurt him. That will be the first truly loving adult act. Get yourself into therapy to figure out why you are so emotionally numb and manipulative. I can't even imagine the volcano you've got to deal with inside, but it will rule you in a million ways until you face it and channel it. I am wondering if you're also a cutter in order to feel? You're going to have to be brave for this journey for sure but you can do it, you sound young still. Don't be a wimp. Girl up and go find your inner beauty, the beast has had her full run. Good luck.
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