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Am I Being a Stalker?

"Am I Being Creepy?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

First some backstory: when I was 14, I really liked a guy from camp. He was the first, and until now, the only boy I have ever liked. I knew I would never see him again and I didn’t want to regret never knowing if he liked me, too, so I told him I liked him. It backfired. Since then I have flat-out refused to have anything to do with any men because I don't want to get my heart broken again. If a guy ever showed any interest in me — even if I sort of liked him, too — I would never let anything happen. I was so sure that as soon as I showed interest he would change his mind, just like the guy from camp did back then.

Fast-forward to my second year of university, I still have zero trust in guys and have never had a boyfriend: I am too scared of depending on someone else for my happiness. However, about a month ago, I met a guy at a gig that I really liked. We had a really fun night together — no sex or anything — we just hung out, talked heaps, and made out. He was very patient with me, and when I apologized for my lack of dating experience and general awkwardness, he said it was fine — that he would have been more disappointed if I hadn’t been myself.


However, because of my fear that he would decide he no longer liked me, I ruined things by accidentally acting disinterested and brushing him off. He got my unintended "hint," kissed me goodbye, and he left without us exchanging numbers — again, my fault, he had asked me earlier for my number, but I accidentally cut him off because I wanted us to go look at something. I didn't realize it came across as uninterested. Even worse, after he kissed me goodbye, like an idiot, I said, "It was nice meeting you," and didn't bother to ask him to stay or anything. I was just so worried about coming across as clingy and that he’d get annoyed at me or something.

As soon as he left, I was devastated because I knew I would never see him again. I tried Facebook-stalking him but I don't know his last name. Then it dawned on me, I do know enough about him to find him in person; that is, I know enough that would lead me to him very easily if I were to ask around and crash one of his university’s parties. My only problem with this is it feels a bit stalkerish. I feel like if it’s meant to be between us, then I’ll naturally run into him again, but at the same time, do we not create our own fates? I figure maybe it is up to fate, but do I need to make an effort? After all, if he hadn’t made the effort of approaching me in the first place, none of this would’ve happened.

Any thoughts? Should I make the effort to see him again or stop being creepy and let it go? I’m just so scared that I’ll meet him and he won’t want me anymore anyway, which would be even more disappointing than never seeing him again. Help!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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dragonfireheart dragonfireheart 5 years
Just to warn you it does seem a little stalkerish and creepy if you actively seek him out. I mean if you were invited to go by a friend to a party and he happened to be there then thats your second chance. But if you just show up out of the blue and you only knew him briefly well... I'd be a little freaked if it happened to me. But first things first is before attempting to find this guy again I recommend you find a way around your lack of trust in guys or even make progress on it. Simply because even if you do run into him again and you have not tried to work on your lack of trust in guys then it will happen again. I wish you luck and hope this helps a little.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
One more thing has occurred to me, I hope it's not over the top. You have been focused on how you are different, because of the environments you've found yourself in. That's completely understandable. But, now, I suggest you look at all of the ways in which you are the same as the other young women around you...your goals, your dreams, the desire to do the same kinds of things. Change your focus and you'll find that it's not the outside appearance that's so important but the human experience. We all pretty much want the same kinds of things, love, work, family, friends, matter what race, culture, religion, continent we come from. Change your point of view to discover just how much you resemble your friends instead of the obvious outward physical stuff. :) OK, I'll shut up now. take good care
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Hey there, TFBC! Girl, coming from the childhood you're describing, your issue is completely normal! I understand the embarrassement, and hope you'll work to get past that. I think it's maybe coming more from feeling so different from your new friends. You know, it's ok to be different. You may find, as your friends say, that your difference is going to be a huge advantage in the right environment. It's not so bad being the exoctic beautiful girl, although I can certainly see that it's going to be a big adjustment after your victimization as a kid. Take it slow, and learn to accept that there are different cultures available with different, more welcoming mindsets. How great for you that you're now in a place that can see you, instead of some bigoted, ugly, outdated idea of you that has nothing to do with who you are or the potential you carry within you! That's incredible. I'm so glad you're getting to experience that now. Don't feel weird, or shy about looking for some help with getting past your issue. That exactly what therapists train to do. It's their job, and, with good ones, their passion. We all have issues, everyone of us, and getting the help we need to learn to navigate past them doesn't have to be socialy stigmatizing, as it used to be in the past. It's really about learning a new viewpoint of yourself, holding everything in your life to a new standard, learning not to accept the ugliness that those from your town insist on, and then learning the skills that you're behind on. You can absolutely do those things! And you now have a safe space, and the opportunity to find the help, and learn what you're behind on. Don't let embarrassment prevent you from taking advantage of what's available, of all that's available. And hey, if you get a chance to say hi to that guy, why not? Just don't make it a matter of life and death, or make the outcome of any romantic experience the standard by which you judge your self worth.People will be drawn to you because you're a valuable person, a person of worth, so long as you understand and accept that you're a person of worth. Having relationships doesn't prove your worth, it's the great benefit you have because you are. :) Took some courage for you to come here looking for some help. I hope you'll take hold of that courage, and look around for a little more. We can all use help sometimes. Getting it means we can move on to successful lives, and sometimes help other people along the way. Good luck with life, and dating and enjoying that right wing liberal openess. take good care :)
TFBC123 TFBC123 5 years
Thanks for all your advice everyone, I had a pretty rough time as a kid in terms of self esteem etc but not from my family. I'm from a very small town in which being a minority is a huge deal and so being put down and told I was far too ugly to be associated with, yet not too ugly to be assulted by older men with was a regular feature of my life for a long time. So now, living somewhere incredibly large and left wing, I find it hard to accept any type of kindess or attention from males because I am so guarded. Where I live now, I can't really go anywhere without attracting male attention and it scares me and makes my friends a bit jealous because they think I'm 'wasting opportunities' and don't understand how hard it is for me to let myself go. so everything about it makes me feel uncomfortable. I will continue to try and date, and forget about the guy I described in my post. I may also go and see a therapist to try and pin point my issues further but I feel super awkward about it because I know it's not normal. I just want to catch up with everyone else and have my friends stop teasing me about being so innocent. Thanks again!
henna-red henna-red 5 years
I just want to make the comment that, unless you are an alcoholic or an addict who have recently gone thru rehab and are trying to get sober, I don't think it's necessary of healthy to put yourself in the position of "fix the issue" and then date. Part of this young woman's issue is that she has pulled herself out of the dating scene, and so is very far behind the learning curve. This is learned behavior, and a therapist will help teach the steps, the skills, but to actually learn how to date, you actually have to do it. I'd also like to point out that it wasn't just one rejection at the age of 14 that caused the op to opt out. She may believe that, but there is something else that was happening in her family dynamic, affecting her self confidence and self esteem negatively, that made it easier for her to fun away from this experience, than to accept the rejection, and roll with it. There is some kind of abuse, or extreme criticism that was also happening that encouraged her to pull her emotions into a hole and close the door. Now that she's a little older, and in college, perhaps away from the total environment of that family dynamic and experiencing a little independence, she is now ready to poke her head out of that hole and resume where she left off. She's emotionaly immature and inexperienced around this issue, and needs some therapist to help her understand why and how to catch up, but in life we don't just stop experiencing what we need to live and learn without sacrificing the very information and experience we need to gain. I also think, with your past experience of running away from trusting/dating, that this kind of advise.....fix it and then something too easy for you, OP, to take. And I don't think it's in your best interests. It won't help you learn the skills you need, or how to not take everything so personaly or be so wounded when one experience doesn't work out. Date, talk, don't stalk, but if you want to see someone or speak to them, then do so......just keep it all up front, casual, and remember it's not life or death if it doesn't work out. It's just part of learning to live life and experience a lot of different men and people. And definately get some help from a pro, but don't put your life on hold until you think everything's worked out, learned, together.....this is life....there's always something more to learn, something that sets us back and something that propels us forward. It's all about learning how to deal with those things without loosing our mind, or our balance, or plunging into some pit of despair because things didn't work the way we wanted or go so smoothly as we wanted. In other words, dating is part of the way you will learn to fix this issue. Not dating is what you've been doing for the past so many years, and that hasn't worked so well, has it? :) I hope this encourages you, OP. blessed be
steph1234 steph1234 5 years
agree with other commenter.....get therapy....i believe there is more to the need to use this as a learning experience and move on and next time don't be so closed will never find love if you live your life in fear....let it go....choose to take chances and move on!
modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 5 years
I think that instead of stalking this guy you should spend some time in therapy and get your issues sorted out.  One rejection at age 14 should not rule the rest of your life.  Focus on fixing your issue and then try to date.  
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