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Am I Being Too Sensitive?

"Am I Being Too Sensitive?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been dating a guy off and on for the last five years. We started out as a casual friendship, but now are more serious. He is currently teaching and living in another country but we have stayed together since he's been there; we talk daily and have visited each other since he's been away. He has plans to work one more year and then return home, but he is living with me this summer for two months and we are planning a lot of fun vacations. The problem is: When I bring up anything that bothers me, he gets defensive and says that he should have known better to stay with me, that he is already out of his comfort zone and giving more than he thought, and that I pressure him too much to be more serious than we are by my words and actions. Although he has recently committed to me, he still says that he's "serious about me and wants to be with me, but is not ready for a really serious relationship." He said that he feels pressured to get married, although I haven't told him that I want to. Every time he responds this way I shut down, get highly emotional, and am distracted from everything else going on in my life for most of the day. My question is: What can I do to not react this way, and what can I do to avoid this same conversation with him? I have decided that he is who I want to be with; I've never loved anyone more, and we get along great besides these repeating conversations. What should I do?

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amvck amvck 5 years
I think you're better off breaking up with this person. It's been five years, he should be able to commit to you now. More than that, he should WANT TO by now. Also, you may love him and decide you want him but think about it, what kind of relationship or marriage could you possibly have when you can't express your feelings? Life is hard and you need a partner, not someone you have to tiptoe around or walk on eggshells. 
cowgirl85 cowgirl85 5 years
I 'm going to say something different from the other advice you have gotten here. I think this man really wants to commit to you and be with you but you might be the one pushing him away. You need to work on yourself so you can stay in the conversation with him and really hear what he is saying. You know you have some issues with this. You are so afraid of being rejected that you are only hearing rejection messages. Go to a therapist and work on yourself. You need to be the one to change.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
It sounds like he's done a really great job at giving himself an out.  He's basically told you " i kinda like you, you're fun to have sex with when i'm with you and I like knowing that you're there, but i'm just not that into you."  He's ready to break up with you as soon as something "better" comes along. If after 5 years a guy still can't fully commit to you he never will.  You'll waste your time waiting for him to change his mind all while trying to fit into the idea of what you think he wants.  Never change yourself for a man, find one who loves you for who you are. 
zephyr11 zephyr11 5 years
I was in a relationship with this exact issue for five years on and off as well. The only difference was that we were on opposite coasts of the US rather than different countries. The same argument/discussion would happen over and over, and he would do just as you say your guy is doing. I would get so upset because I loved him so much. Once the discussion was over, things would go back to normal but I'd still feel a bit uneasy. Friends and family told me exactly what everyone is saying in the comments, but I wouldn't listen because I loved him, he loved me, I knew I wanted to be with him, and I thought that was enough. One day I got so exhausted with the uncertainty that I just let it go. He was leaving after a month-long visit and I ended it. I didn't want to, but it was probably the best decision I've ever made. It took me a long time to get over it, but I did and you can too. That was just over a year ago and now I'm in the healthiest and most stable relationship I've ever been in. I'm so happy, and I never would've met this guy if I hadn't made that choice. I also think it's worth noting that my relationship now is also long distance. So, my point is, it isn't the distance that makes things complicated and unstable, it's the people in it. He doesn't want something serious even though it's been five years. End it. You won't regret it, I promise....(well..except for the allotted miserable post break-up time..but there's wine and friends for that.) 
matoad matoad 5 years
 Basically you two seem to want fundamentally different things.  There is no 'good' or 'bad' way of dealing with that or 'improving' your way of reacting to it, except this: Realize it and accept it. What you want is fine, what he wants is fine (although to be honest he doesn't seem to be totally clear on what that is), but they definitely don't go together. Sadly, if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit, no matter how much you want it to. At this point, having you 'seriously' in his life should make things easier for him, not add stress. This one bit alone suggests that your constellation doesn't add up. Good luck!
Cassieleigh Cassieleigh 5 years
It sounds like he's playing with you. Look, he can't be committed to you and not be committed to a relationship with you. He can't have it both ways. 
Marsha2874861 Marsha2874861 5 years
I hate to break it to you but you don't get along well. If you can't have a conversation where you can't talk about what bothers you, he doesn't care about you as much as you'd like to believe. You love him and that feeling is clouding what's right in front of you. I should know as this is all too familiar. I have walked in your shoes where everything seems great until you show you have feelings, opinions, and they may be contrary to his. Now all of a sudden, you're the bad guy for rocking the boat. Look at what you're asking: "What can *I* do to not react this way and what can *I* do to avoid this same conversation with him?" i.e. "How can I behave in a manner that he likes so he'll love me like I love him?" The cold truth is he won't. Ever. Because he takes you for granted. As long as you continue to let him control you (because every time he tells you what he "thinks you're thinking", I can bet you start to beat yourself up, question your motivations, doubt yourself -- all sorts of self-deprication), he will continue to treat like less of a person, continue to brow beat you into submission. Stop the cycle. You know who you are. If he loved you, he would be concerned about your feelings and not defensive. He wouldn't be making excuses for why he is serious but not too serious. He's either with you or he isn't. It's not that difficult. Save yourself the insanity and heartache. If he can't see you for who you are, appreciate what you've done, find someone who deserves all the love you're wasting on this guy. You deserve the same affection, attention, and commitment that you give.
birdwatcher birdwatcher 5 years
Thank you for writing back. I guess I need to figure out what it is that I want. He has come a long way from where he started and hasn't been comfortable expressing his feelings until recently. He was abandoned by his mother and his father and isn't used to answering to anyone. I am in a tricky situation.
DazzleDe DazzleDe 5 years
he isn't acting like a man who wants a serious committed relationship. if that's what you want, you may want to reevaluate things.
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