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Am I Too Different Than My Boyfriend?

"Am I Wrong or Are We Just Too Different?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We're in a medium-distance relationship, close enough that we see each other almost every weekend, but far enough that casual midweek hangouts are out of the question. I love him with all of my heart, but lately I've been asking myself some pretty serious questions about our future together. 

You see, he lives in a part of a state that I grew up in and intended never to move back to. He grew up there, too. Of course, I'm generalizing, but most people there were close-minded and not very concerned with the world outside of their small town. I was much happier when I moved to a big city a few hours away and I met people from different backgrounds who were interested in different things. When we first started dating, we dreamt of moving somewhere new together. He said he wanted to leave his town, but now that we are seriously talking about moving in together, the practicalities of both of us moving and finding new jobs is much harder than the dream. It bothers him that it's out of the question for me to move there when he feels like he would go anywhere for me. 


I see his point, but I feel the way I feel. I know I would be unhappy living in a place like that and getting stuck in a place like that has been one of my biggest fears my entire life. It's hard to talk to him about that in a way that doesn't make him feel defensive. It's hard to say, "I want more than that" without coming off as smug or "better than," which isn't how I feel — it's just not what I want. I've been clear about this since we met — I'm not unwilling to move somewhere new, but there are some places that I just would not be happy living in.

I know that relationships are a compromise, and that getting to the same physical place was always going to be hard, but whenever we have these conversations, I walk away feeling so upset and so far away from him. I used to feel like we wanted the same things, but I am starting to doubt that. On one hand, I think he is just scared to let go of everything he's ever known. On the other, I don't want to force someone to do something they don't want to do and end up resenting me for it. I know it's silly to expect that we want exactly the same thing and maybe this makes me a bitch, but I hate that if I were to be OK with moving home, that's what he would want to do. I feel guilty, but I want him to want more of what I want, on his own. I don't want to feel like I'm always the one pushing us forward. 

Even talks about a vacation we're planning have me stressed out — he wants to go to a resort and relax, but I want to go to a small beach town somewhere where we can relax, but also have an adventure. We are both compromisers and don't like to fight, but I find myself frustrated that we have to compromise over these things. I love him so much, and the rest of our relationship is great, but these things, stupid as they may seem, make me question if this is the right thing. Am I placing too much pressure on myself and too much value in things like places — or are we just too different?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
My-Advice My-Advice 4 years
You have one of the more interesting posts I've seen.  Your post mentions you and your boyfriend as just that....boyfriend and girlfriend. You did not use the term fiance, mention marriage or even consider yourselves life partners. It's my opinion that a woman should never rearrange her life, goals and substance of her dreams for a "boyfriend". If she does, she leaves herself in a very vulnerable position emotionally and many times financially as well. Before you even entertain realigning what you want for this man, it's my advice that you both get very clear on what the long term goal(s) are for your relationship. Is it building a life and perhaps family together?  Marriage?  Living together, if so for how long?  How can you make a decision in either one of your best interests without clearly defining the expectations for both parties?  It just seems you are putting the cart before the horse here.  Clearing up the expectations for the relationship might answer the question of moving for you! Just my advice.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
Why are you thinking to yourself 'Are we just too different?'. I'm failing to wrap my head around how you go from understanding these are normal qualms in any relationship, and then jump to 'oh we're probably just too different.' Listen, what you guys are undergoing is purely compromise. You'll have that in any relationship, with or without your current bf. And some of these compromises are so small- choosing where to go for a vacation? Just go to a beach town. Your bf could relax on the beach while you go out adventuring. Or go on a vacation with your other friends. Or tell your bf point-blank that you really want him to go on an adventure with you during this upcoming vacation, if only for an hour. Or let him have his dream vacation this time around and you can have full reign over the next one. See? Compromise isn't cut and dry, or black and white. You can compromise any number of ways, and none of them have to be so frustrating. About the moving issue: almost everyone is afraid to make that leap, moving from their hometown into 'the unknown.' Just make it very clear that you are willing to go anywhere with him, just not your hometown. Explain that you are very unhappy there, and you will be miserable. And then say that perhaps you guys should just hold off on moving in together, since it appears that your bf isn't ready yet. And then just wait for him to bring up the topic of moving in with you. Maybe he'll come around. But in the meantime, go easy on him. Help him come around to the idea of moving in with you by laying off the subject and only talking about it when he wants to talk about it.
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