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Ask a Bad Boy: Putting Out on the First Date

Steve Santagati, the author of The Manual, is back to answer another question for all of you — I hope advice from the male point of view helps! To ask Steve questions of your own, simply submit them here or in the comments section below. Enjoy!

Dear Steve,

This is a debate I've been having with my girl friends for years now and I'd love to hear your take on it. Do guys have a lower opinion of you if you "put out" on the first date? Can a relationship ever come to fruition if there's no longer any sense of mystery? — Wondering Wednesday

To see Steve's answer,


Dear Wondering Wednesday,

It's not when you have sex that matters, it's the attitude you have when you engage in the act. I'll explain. The very term "put out" implies you're giving something away; you're giving in to something you "don't want to do." That attitude is so 1950. I don't know about the kind of guys you're dating, but when I fool around, it's a very fair trade; you're getting just as much — if not more — than I am out of it. I've been with women on the first night and on the 30th night, and I've fallen in love and been loyal after first date sex. How men feel about the women has everything to do with them believing something very special about her. The women that I've been with that projected this best had a certain attitude, almost like a guy; she didn't say it, she showed me with how she acted and treated me. It was loud and clear:

Steve, I'm doing this under my own volition. You didn't charm me, con me, and I'm not drunk. I want to be with you because I feel like it at this moment. I'm a woman and I've made this decision, and Stevie Poo, just because we're fooling around doesn't mean it will ever happen again, unless you deserve it!

It's so very provocative when a woman is strong and empowered. Stop thinking of it as putting out and start thinking of it as you're in control and enjoying something with him and he's enjoying something with you.

Warning: 80 percent of the female population will find it difficult to think like this so in general, it's best to take as long as you can before jumping in the sack. Notice I said take as long as you can, not wait as long as you can. You shouldn't be waiting, you should be actively getting to know this guy. This attitude is actually good no matter how confident you are. Regarding the sense of mystery: sexual mystery lasts about three months of steady sex. It's the person that creates mystery in a relationship. It's who you are. It's your ability to be spontaneous. Sex is fantasy. Both men and women are mentally designed to hate routine and enjoy the unknown so keep that in mind.

To purchase The Manual, click here and if you're wondering where Steve got that T-shirt he's wearing, click here to shop his entire assortment!


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
VanillaJ: I am not desperate, if that is what you are trying to imply! And I also do not nag, whine or ask men to commit right away. Wow, you have some judgemental and outdated opinions about women. I was just sharing my experiences about what male friends have said to me. As much as we may not like it, there are double standards in our society and men do enjoy 'the thrill of the chase'. Because when you wait for something, it makes it all the more meaningful and special. Think about Christmas when you were a child and waiting for santa. Perhaps all of those men who were begging you to go out on a date with them were doing it because they knew there was a good chance they would get what they wanted soon after! But did any of these situations actually result in a long term relationship? I think that that usually is not the case, because all of the mystery is gone right away. I certainly have nothing against casual sex, but I think that if a woman wants a relationship, it generally is not a good idea to have sex on the first night. Just my opinion.
NDiva NDiva 8 years
Great answer. I always follow the 3 month rule and it has kept me from lots of heartache and headache.
hockeygirl08 hockeygirl08 8 years
Wow! This was a loaded topic. No pun intended. :-) No one is telling anyone what to do. The question was "Do guys think less of girls if they have sex on the first date?" not "Should I give it up on the first date?" Steve isn't telling anyone "Yes! Hop in the sack! Give him all the sex he needs or he'll never love you and you'll never be able to have friends and you'll die alone!" He's saying that if it feels right between the two people then go ahead. Yes, there are guys out there who will use women for sex. I was dating a guy for over a month before I slept with him because that's what felt right for me. When we finally did sleep together, he never called me again. This was after a month of constant contact. I've also had sex with a man on the first date and we dated for a year. Anyway, the point I'm laboring to make is that I agree with Steve and it's best to gauge the situation. If you feel you have a connection and the date is naturally taking that course and you feel safe and in control then go ahead if you want to. If not, then wait and there's no harm there either. If a guy likes you he's going to like you whether or not you sleep with him on the first date. Thanks Steve, that's what I thought.
belletrist9 belletrist9 8 years
I think what everyone is trying to say is USE COMMON SENSE. First of all, the phrasing of the question "Is it bad to put on on the first date" implies that the girl is looking to get more dates - and thus a relationship out of the date. If you go out once with a total random stranger, then I can't imagine any intelligent woman would be falling all over herself to suck him off to prove her devotion and show what an excellent girlfriend she'd be. Also, how often is it that you go on a date with someone you know NOTHING about? Personally, if some random guy walked up to me on campus and asked me out, I'd probably about face and walk away, no matter how hot he was. I seriously didn't think that random blind dating was the preferred method of choice in finding a boyfriend. When my current boyfriend and I first had sex, I don't think he'd even officially taken me out on a date yet. We met in an honors class at our college, and lived in the same dorm building. I "dated" one of his suitemates for three months, and in that time, we all got to be pretty good friends. A couple weeks after my ex and I broke up (my ex kind of got ostracized from our group for it), he started hitting on me and I think when we went grocery shopping to cook pasta for our friends (we're cute like that, I made pizza margherita once and one of our other friends made Asian stir fry), he bought me lunch at Whole Foods since I hadn't eaten that day yet. I don't think that really counts as a date though. Later that week, we decided to spend some quality time together. =) Then for my birthday about two months later, he took me out to a really fancy sushi restaurant downtown. I slept with him BEFORE our first date. Neither of us is really the "dating" type though. Perhaps it's because we're both engineering majors and just can't really deal with the "omg, is he/she into me..? what will he think of my hair or is this the right color lip gloss" mind game bullshit that I hear other people agonize over all the time. Sure, we go out to dinner sometimes, but usually only for my birthday or when the refrigerator is out of food or both of us are too tired to cook anything. We've seen a couple string quartets and one play. But generally, we're just homebodies. We're comfortable with each other and that's basically how the relationship always was. Friends and acquaintances tell us we're so old-married-couple cute together we're almost puke-in-your-mouth cute. We've been together for almost 2 years now, lived together for about one. I've visited his family multiple times and our moms have met (though we're in CA and my family is in OH so it's a little hard). He's even taken me backpacking out in the Sierra Nevada with his family (I'm a tiny Asian girl, his dad seriously thought I could do it, but I did!). His parents are coming down to visit us (and his brother who just started at our university this year) for Thanksgiving. I'm going to make french onion soup and his mom and I are going to prepare the turkey. =D
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
LittleLady, I love the sarcasm and I agree with you that bangin on a first date can be fine as long as you wrap it up but just so everyone knows... You can catch STIs and STDs even when you're using condoms. You are never risk free just less risky. You can catch herpes from something as simple as kissing and oral sex, you can catch syphillis from kissing as well though it's less likely. Hell, you can catch HIV from kissing if you both have bad mouth sores. There is no fail safe contraceptive except for abstinence. I completely condone doin' it with people just for the sake of doin' it but I also strongly support safe sex. Dont trick yourselves into thinking that something as simple as a condom is a fail safe way to avoid getting infected. Play safe but have fun, ladies!
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 8 years
I'd like to let some of you in on a little secret. Listen closely; I'll only say this once: Not too long ago, someone invented this thing that protects you and your partner against sexually transmitted diseases. I know I know, call me crazy. They are called condoms. C-O-N-D-O-M-S. Look into it.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Thank you very much Muirnea! CaterpillarGirl, I wasnt referring to this post, I was talking about other posts I've read of hers in earlier topics.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
Jessiebanana: “Mesayme if you don't want anyone to respond on your opinions why do you come to a site where people actively "talk" to each other? I think you're reading a lot of disrespect where none is intended. Not to say some people on here aren't disrespectful and judgmental, but I get the feeling most people here are here to EXCHANGE IDEAS . “ Agreed. And I agree with Fallen very much. I think everyone is making this to complicated. Everyone should just do what they want to do, male or female. Whether that is having sex on a first date, or waiting months, it doesn't matter. As long as YOU are doing what YOU want to do, what's the problem? B/c in that case, it doesn't matter what the guy thinks at all, b/c you got what you wanted. (If the guy didn't agree with what you did, obviously you don't want someone that doesn't agree with your lifestyle anyway, so what's the problem!?) Who cares whether guys think it's good or bad to "put-out" on a first date. It it's what you want, then their opinion doesn't matter.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
Fallen I completely agree with Mesayme and do not find her difficult to understand in the slightest.
aka-Daria aka-Daria 8 years
why are people assuming that if you DECIDE to sleep with someone on the first date that they're not using protection? you risk getting a disease NO MATTER if you're single, taken, married, gay, straight, black, white bla bla bla...i mean, really.
bebehaul24 bebehaul24 8 years
I think it's naive to think that going on a couple dates with someone means that you'll "know" them well enough to get naked and be sure that thy don't have STDs. I've always thought that if I don't want to have sex with a guy on the first date then I probably won't ever want to. If the chemistry is there are you're both into it then I say get naked, people! By the way, I slept with my fiance on the first date and I was perfectly comfortable with that. Obviously he was too!
CYL CYL 8 years
About the whole Steve being mainpulative or asshole thing...I honestly don't think DearSugar or the Sugar network would bring on an asshole or manipulative person to give advice...
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
sleep with someone on the first date and regardless of how great that piece of ass was; you took a foolish risk. you risked exposing yourself to std's, sleeping with someone who was already involved in a relationship and getting involved with someone who isn't emotionally stable. right there your physical health, moral compass and your safety are all on the line. that's pretty irresponsible. but water finds it's own level, so if those of you who find this behavior acceptable are pairing off i think that's for the best.
Sugasuga29 Sugasuga29 8 years
Hmm...I met a guy, thought I'd have a fling with him so I slept with him and two years later I married him, on the anniversary of the day we met. :) And the way we got together aside, he is a fabulous husband, and will make a wonderful father. :) I wish I could've told the truth about the way we got together to my family, but other than that I wouldn't change a thing. In the end it really didn't matter. If men and women are equal, which we are, then we cannot possibly allow ourselves to think that men are just out to "get us".
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
I had known my boyfriend for about 2 years and we were just friends, but not close friends One night we had sex, and that's when we started dating. We have been for over 3 years now. So, I'm glad we did it, or we would have never gotten together.
AlexE70 AlexE70 8 years
Wow. A real water cooler topic here. Almost like talking about what happened on Grey's Anatomy or SVU last night. Not all men are out to coerce women into giving it up on the first date Mesayme, least of all Steve. I've learned that in reality, a man can never really "make" a woman do anything she doesn't want to do, or hadn't already been thinking about doing. Not every woman is waiting for an invitation so they can finally get their "wh*re" on, as you've said. Still, I get what you're trying to say, and it's understandable, looking at it from your P.O.V. Just understand that not everyone will agree or can relate, and might reply in a less than kind way. ;-)
AlexE70 AlexE70 8 years
Putting out on a first date doesn't make a woman any less of a woman than it does a man in the same situation. Like a few have said, sometimes sex can be just that. Sex. You don't always have to attach strings and conditions to it in order to validate doing it. And not every guy will automatically think a woman's a slut for doing it on the first date. It should be about the moment, the level of attraction, and the hormones. If it seems like it will be fun, go for it. Don't worry about who will think what about you, unless it's being done in front of an audience or something. :-P
candace87 candace87 8 years
Haha alright thanks Fallen! As long as these chats don't get too out of hand all is well:) Like someone on an earlier comment said, lets all sing Kumbaya and get along, like after all (or most of) the heavy trashing during the election posts:oops:
looseseal looseseal 8 years
Hmm... men who want to have sex ASAP yet think less of women who do the very same thing they're doing... I wouldn't be so bold as to say they're 80% of the male population, but they do seem aggravatingly common. Men with madonna/whore complexes are the worst hypocrites. I'd feel like it's some kind of injustice to reward them with sex, as much as sex is something that can be enjoyed by all. It's like how I don't shop at places where the staff is rude, even if I can get some nice stuff for myself out of doing that. The thing is, it can be hard to tell if a guy is a hypocritical ass just from one date (since hypocrites can also be liars). Ah, there's another reason to get to know people better first, and it has nothing to do with needing to take extra time to get my pretty little head around the concept that sex is enjoyable, Stevie-poo.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
She's talking about me. Her and I are very opposite. I'm young, open, in a wonderful relationship, had a very experimental and fun past... she's 36, single with three kids and an ex-husband who abused her and very bitter about it and towards other men. Needless to say, our points of view are completely opposite and we often bump heads. I find it fun and interesting to discuss things with someone completely opposite of me... she finds me insufferable and rude. I look forward to our chats. Candice, you're a doll... and I dont just mean your avatar ;)
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
never heard of ya.
candace87 candace87 8 years
Who, me?
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
And I read your comment and I are at the polar opposite ends of what a woman can be. I make NO apologies.
candace87 candace87 8 years
I haven't read all of the comments yet so I apologize if anything has already been said or is over but everything that Fallen85 has said I agree with, so far. I do not believe that this particular DearSugar post was targeted at the "30+ year old divorcees with children" group, therefore I can see why some opinions differ. Whatever we choose to do with our bodies is our right, and if for whatever reason at one particular time we feel that "putting out" on the first date is a good choice, then so be it. I don't think it should be done on every date, of course, but that is how some people choose to live and that is their body at risk. I won't judge them, and I would expect that they wouldn't judge me for my choices either.
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