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Ask a Bad Boy: What Do Guys Think When They Gawk?

Steve Santagati, the Author of The Manual, is back to answer his first question for all of you — I hope advice from the male point of view helps! To ask Steve questions of your own, simply submit them here or in the comments section below. Enjoy!

Dear Steve,

What are guys thinking when they are "discreetly" checking out other women when they are in a loving, happy relationship? Do they have sexual thoughts like, "She's so hot I'd love to do her," or is it more like what I think, "Oh she's pretty," and leave it at that? — Curious Casey

To see Steve's answer

Dear Curious Casey,

First of all, who said guys "think"? It depends on who we're looking at and the guy in question, but it can mean a lot of things. A: Is this woman a circus freak? If so, you're probably looking too. B: Does she have a huge chest or showing cleavage? We can't help to look. C: Is she super hot? You'll notice a hot guy even if you love your man so we're the same there.

If it's a quick glance, we don't mean any ill will to our girlfriends or wives and you have nothing to fear — it's just a guy thing — we're just looking because it's — almost — impossible not to. It's literally a genetic trait that we will look at a woman's chest or body.

Usually, "spank bank" sexual thoughts are reserved for the women we look at when you're not around. However, yes, sometimes a split second moment happens where we think; "she's so hot I'd love to do her," but just a split second, if at all. And you're so naive, a guy's idea of pretty — if he doesn't know the girl — is solely determined by; would he or wouldn't he want to fool around with her. Which means we may not want to ruin the greatest relationship we have with you, but we'll think of the "stranger" for a second. It's healthy, normal, and, in most cases, harmless. It happens very very fast in our brains and leaves our thoughts as fast as it came in.

In conclusion:

  1. If your guy stares at another woman — for any reason (other than because she's engulfed in flames) while he's with you, he's rude and you need to correct him or keep on guard.
  2. If he "glances," do not make a big deal about it. You can do the same thing. Make it normal for you both to notice attractive people and even make comments. That way he (and you) won't have to sneak around. Because sneaking around opens up a whole other can of worms.

To purchase The Manual, click here and if you're wondering where Steve got that T-shirt he's wearing, click here to shop his entire assortment!


Join The Conversation
allie3 allie3 8 years
I agree with Autumns_Elegy... and I dont think its because its either your jealous or possesive... I've grown up with pretty low self esteem, ive never been that girl who is confident with herself and likes the way she looks or even that girl in school that every guy would go after, so when my boyfriend comments about a girl even if shes a hot bimbo on tv, it just doesnt make me feel good about myself and i feel like im not good enough for him to look at, ive appoaches my boyfriend about this and i told him exactly how i feel when he does this and he didnt realize how much it upset me so we dont have that problem anymore... so i dont think it has anything to do with jealousy or being possesive,it just depends on how the girl feels about herself, some girls who have confidents,more then likely these things dont bother them, while girls who lack confidents this might bother them a bit more. Some people might feel different but its only one person's opinion lol, and it has happened to me and that's how ive felt about it so i just thought id put that out there.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 8 years
I feel really bad when I see my partner check out another chick. Kinda like I'm not enough so he has to look elsewhere. We spoke about it and he doesn't do it anymore, just sort of looks past attractive women. I don't think it's ok, and I don't partake in it.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
Sun_Sun: "like someone above said, when i notice an attractive woman i glance too. it cant be helped. when i see an attractive man however, i never think about him sexually, i acknowledge his good looks and thats it. its a little annoying to find out that men do think about "doing" her." I agree. And my bf says he never thinks about women sexually like that. And I know a lot of you will say, "he's just telling you that to be nice, not hurt your feelings, etc.", but we are absolutely truthful with each other to the point of being a little hurtful sometimes, b/c yes, we think it's that yes, I believe him. And I'm glad to have a guy that doesn't think like "most guys". I agree with lickety split too. Especially: "i'm so glad to be married to someone who treats me with respect and pays attention to ME, no matter who else is around." I'm glad to have a bf like that too.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
My guy is very respectful towards me in that regard. He doesn't stare at other girls when I am out with him at all (although he does it when he is at work with the guys). Probably the first guy I have ever dated that doesn't do this! My ex always use to stare and make comments, it was soooo rude and disrespectful.
bbkf bbkf 8 years
I actually appreciate it when my husband tells me he thinks another woman is hot. That helps me know what he likes and what he doesn't, so I can always be improving my hotness ;-)
Kat-E Kat-E 8 years
I agree that glances are ok, stares are bad, but how do other ladies feel when men do things like go to strip clubs or when they say something about a girl being hot? I admit that I can get jealous and when my boyfriend says a girl is hot, my immediate thinking is that I don't usually look ANYTHING like the woman he thinks is hot. That bugs me (I know, it's me being insecure right, but am I alone in this thinking?)
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
"Make it normal for you both to notice attractive people and even make comments." no thanks, lol. why would you want to do that? and to suggest that the other person has so little control over their thoughts that they would have to sneak off to think about it is kind of sad. i'm so glad to be married to someone who treats me with respect and pays attention to ME, no matter who else is around.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
Steve looks like Richard Gere's younger brother. Agree with the glances ok, stares not. It is just rude to ogle another woman when you are with someone else. Same goes for flirting with the waitress/ is just rude to your partner, nothing else.
jessie jessie 8 years
glances are okay for both as long as it stops there. i look at men and women. i look, appreciate and that's it. no other thoughts. steve is attractive...rugged..i like that! end of story.
CYL CYL 8 years
PS is it just me or is Steve all shorts of yummy?
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
totally agree with you sun sun
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 8 years
like someone above said, when i notice an attractive woman i glance too. it cant be helped. when i see an attractive man however, i never think about him sexually, i acknowledge his good looks and thats it. its a little annoying to find out that men do think about "doing" her.
austerity austerity 8 years
Though I was as curious about the answer to this question as anyone else, I think glances serve a good purpose. Of course he can't help but notice attractive women; isn't that why he at some point, chose to be with you? I also think it keeps us women on our toes in terms of paying attention to our appearance and not slacking off. If you notice his glances, you'll make sure you keep looking glance-worthy yourself.
booglass booglass 8 years
Married over a decade and glances don't bother me a bit. But a stare would be another issue all together.
CYL CYL 8 years
I don't really care about glances..because lets be honest, I live in a city with man beautiful men, surfers, snowboarders, foreigners...just man candy everywhere and you would have to be blind to not notice them. So there are also a lot of beautiful women. If my bf decides to look I wouldn't care, but gawking is another issue. Hell I check out beautiful women...its like "WOW what do I have to do at the gym to look like you...or damn I wish my makeup was half decent today! Oh....nice jacket!" Though most of the time when I actually catch him checking out and gawking ends up being a Good on him for either a) not checking out other women or b) doing it without me noticing!
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
brittb7 I still hate when older guys stare me down, and I'm 20. It's gross. But, if my guy glances at another chick (Though, he never does, which is awesome) I wouldn't be mad. There's a difference of just looking, and then trying to undress her with his eyes...
bikinib7 bikinib7 8 years
Mesayme.. that's exactly my thoughts. The problem is the woman thinking "Oh, he obviously is a pig... he's with her, yet looking at me?".. because I think the same thing. If I'm in public and I see a guy with his wife/gf/whatever and he looks me up and down, I'm thinking "ewww, i feel bad for her.. i wouldn't want my guy to do that'... but i guess it does happen :-X it was especially gross when i was 17 or 18 still and older guys would look... ughhhh
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
It depends on how long he stares. There's a glance, and then there's disrespectfully sizing her up. I have my own cleavage and gifted ass so if he's drooling then there's something wrong with him. The problem with a man checking other women out is the woman he's checking out. He's made her think 'he doesn't love his girl; I could have him if I want.' What happens next is the level of morals and respect for other women on her part. Decent women would say, 'no way! I wouldn't want you to do that to me!' A skank would say 'here's my number, call me. I'll do what she won't do.' That's the man who has ta' go. Otherwise, any man I'm with is welcome to 'quick glance'; I'm going to, as I am a woman and I'm naturally attracted to what I instinctively find attractive.
Renee3327 Renee3327 8 years
I never understand women who make such a big deal about guys looking at other women. There's no harm in looking as long as there is no touching! Women who overreact to this sort of thing are either jealous or possessive by nature or are already suspicious of their guy...
momma-tikita momma-tikita 8 years
I think its very normal for a guy to do that... I'd rather my man be the man to think about it then actually do it!
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