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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Did I Lose Him?

Dear E. Jean,

Did I just totally mess up?
Last night after a really great dinner and a movie with a guy (our second date), I invited him up for coffee to my apartment. He’s smart, a witty conversationalist, volunteers on a political campaign, and is attractive and slightly reserved. We’re both lawyers. As we arrived at my door, I was going through my bag searching for my keys, and, not thinking, I said nonchalantly to him: “I wonder where this is going?”
He froze.
It was the weirdest thing I ever saw. So I laughed and said:
“Don’t be nervous!”
Of course that was the WORST thing I could say, and of course I kept laughing like an idiot. I finally found my keys, and after turning the lock, I opened the door and, trying to lighten the mood, I said (I know, I know — stupid!) “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
Needless to say, he stayed just long enough to take two sips of coffee and practically ran out the door. Was my momentary lapse that bad? I apologized twice — once last night, and once today in an e-mail. I received a polite but cold response. Did I lose him? Please tell me I didn’t. — Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut

To see E. Jean's answer

Miss Mouth,

Alas, my darling. He’s gone. The “Where is this going?” question is one of the best ways to lose a guy, along with the “Where do we stand?” . . . and the real scrotum-tightner: “So where do we stand as a couple?
Chalk it up to experience. As to the other top ways to lose a guy, read on:

  1. Wrap your whole life around him.
  2. When driving home from a party refer to every single woman he spoke to as, “a famous slut.”
  3. Make him take the quizzes in Ladies’ Mags.
  4. If you went to a better college than he did, never let him forget it.
  5. Reassure him that all men, uh, have, uh, difficulties in the sack, but not to worry — you’ve discussed his problem with his friends, and THEY all think it’s hilarious.
  6. After your third date instruct your children to call him Daddy, even if they are all over 25.
  7. Every time he makes a joke, roll your eyes and say, “Very funny. Ha ha.”
  8. Fixate on the future. Focus, for example, on his taking you to Cabo San Lucas for Easter.
  9. If he does not take you to Cabo San Lucas for Easter, act real light and breezy and then suddenly collapse in a heap, burst into tears, and inform him he has “intimacy issues.”
  10. Speaking of which, always cry after sex.
  11. Better yet, cry during sex.

NOTE: One of these weeks we’ll list the best 12 ways a man can lose your interest.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and

Join The Conversation
Sugarblonde Sugarblonde 9 years
Oh what in the world made you say those things! :) It is very funny to me, a girl. But I can definitely see where a guy would be completely freaked out. Stop trying to talk to him - let him contact you. If he can't get over it and give you a call/text/email back... let him go. Sorry if you feel you lost a good guy, but don't worry there are lots of other guys that may laugh at what you said!
greenbubbles-19 greenbubbles-19 9 years
I wouldn't worry about it if he cant laugh along with you then you don't need him im sure you can frind better
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
HE IS SOOOO GONE! I mean...that was just weird...and that "abandon all hope"....creepy...what are you giving him ...herpes??? I agree with popgoestheworld....she was just funky...too much so. I guess not even lawyers can escape the stupid talk Better luck next time.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
ohh and I agree that I thought your comment was a: you might get lucky tonight comment, not one about your relationship future...
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
I say you have a sense of humor and you now have the wonderfully early realization that he doesn't, lucky you that you didn't have to wait any longer to figure that out...I wouldn't want him anyway if I were Find someone who can laugh with you. :)
workin9to5 workin9to5 9 years
I hate the opinion that if a guy isn't interested in a girl and all her quirks, he's a loser. They're just not right for each other! Well said, popgoestheworld! Sooo many of my friends think this way. They get really angry when it doesn't work out after a date or two. Sometimes it just doesn't click; that's the dating game. Doesn't mean he's an ass. If he tries to sleep with you and doesn't like you, that's another story, yes. But for my friends, the guys don't try that either and they are somehow enraged he didn't call them. I say get over it and just enjoy dating!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Where do you live? A Renaissance festival? Anyway, call the guy a loser all your want, the girl acted weird, it was a second date, and he felt uncomfortable. I wonder why random comments and bizarre/continuous laughter made him feel that way. Hmmmm. If he were an asshole and stuck around after that just to get laid, then he'd be a loser. I hate the opinion that if a guy isn't interested in a girl and all her quirks, he's a loser. They're just not right for each other!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
glad to know i wasn't the only one who thought it was a corny "heyyyy, you might get lucky tonight (wink wink)" joke! but if it WAS a "where are we going?" relationship question, then yeah, i totally agree with E.Jean. in either case, this guy is a douche and not worth your time. find someone better!
melizzle melizzle 9 years
I would've freaked as well. Hilarious commentary as usual from E. Jean...
sunlandseagirl sunlandseagirl 9 years
Hey i think what you said was funny. It shows you have a personality. Dont stress yourself about that guy....he's obviously dull and boring. I think you should keep looking for someone you can banter with and is able to reply/handle your wittiness. g luck!
KrisSugar KrisSugar 9 years
Asia you make me laugh every time i read your comments! yeah, this guy has no sense of humor. it was slightly odd, but if that's all it takes to freak him out, then what a wuss.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
lol. he's a dirk (my word for loser). i thought you meant you wanted to freak his body . . .in a joking manner. either way, it sounded like you were making a super corney joke. i thought you said he was witty?! he's like a hamburger with a soggy bun; WTF! and why the hell are you appologizing?! he's a blazin' idiot. he coulda got some nook-nook, and left you hangin' like all the other men out there in the dating world do, but instead he bailed out. it's not like you made a Herpes Joke! i'm kinda p*ssed, because if he had coffee, that means he dirtied up a good coffee mug!
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
LOL jenintx, I thought the exact same thing. That's why this post really made me laugh. But yeah, if you were asking him where the relationship was going on the second date, then you most likely lost him.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
For some reason this whole post turns me off. I mean, why'd you apologize? And twice. You're putting a lot of thought into someone you arent even with.
Nina_79 Nina_79 9 years
I also thought you meant he might get lucky that night, and not about your future as a couple or whatever. But if a man gets scared that easily then he isn't worth much worry in my book.
amybdk amybdk 9 years
jenintx and lemassabielle - I thought the same thing about the "I wonder where this is going" comment - I thought she was talking about perhaps getting some action!
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I would have thought the "I wonder where this is going..." comment would mean you planned on sexing him up the entire night. I wouldn't have thought that had anything to do with the future. The fact that you were nervous and joking around is fine, he just didn't take it in a funny way. It sort of says he is uptight.
pink-elephant pink-elephant 9 years
I too have ''foot-in-mouth-syndrome" when I get nervous sometimes...but the others are right, he sounds waaay too uptight if he's going to bolt after a little slip-up like that.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Girl, you screwed up. I agree he's gone. (Truthfully, if I was in his situation, I would be gone, too). Well, chalk this up to a learning experience. Next time, keep your social guard up. Keep your cards close. Play your cards better.
partysugar partysugar 9 years
As always, E. Jean nails it!
ErieIndiana ErieIndiana 9 years
Sheesh! He has no sense of humor. I would hope you could find a guy who was just as awkward as you and you two could laugh about it. After my first kiss with my current boyfriend I accidently made fun of our his kissing but... he had a good sense of humor and stuck it out for over 2.5 years now.
MissKate919 MissKate919 9 years
LMAO!!!! And stop apologizing b/c you have nothing to apologize for. He seems too uptight for you. I'm guessing things slip out of your mouth a lot when you’re nervous, and he seems way too tense to handle that. Poor guy, he needs to find a sense of humor.
jenintx jenintx 9 years
eh, he's probably gone but it doesn't sound like a major loss. when i first read this, i though the 'wonder where this is going' comment was a sex reference (as in, i wonder if you're about to get lucky *wink, wink*), not a i-want-a-commitment/engagement ring-this-very-second reference. as for the other comment, that was completely hilarious. this guy sounds like a schmuck. don't feel bad. i made a similar foot-in-mouth, cheeky comment in regards to our lack of chemistry one time (not that it was a lot cause comment but a 'something i want to give another shot just to make sure' kinda comment) and...well...let's just say we didn't get that second shot. it bothered me at first but then i realized it was no big loss b/c if he was so uptight that he couldn't appreciate my cheekiness, i didn't want him anyway.
amybdk amybdk 9 years
Awww! This guy sucks - he seems to have no understanding of saying stupid things while nervous! I can relate to the poster - I say the most incredible things and create awkward moments at the worst times. Even when you're shouting to yourself "don't mention X... DON'T MENTION X!" and oops! you've just managed to mention X. Let it go and hope you can meet someone with a similar sense of humor in the future!
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
17. Look at him and say: wouldn't it be great to hear the pitter patter of little [insert guy's name] feet around us? 18. Burp/fart/pick your nose in front of him and say: that felt good!
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