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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: How Can I Get Her Back?

My Girlfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We’ve lived together and talked extensively about getting married. We still have our issues however, and one of those is Pot.

When we started dating I smoked pot, a lot of it too. She partook off and on but preferred cocaine. I told her at one point that if she continued to use such a life-threatening and dangerous substance that we could no longer date. Since then she's been clean.

I however continued with my toking. She confronted me and said that it was controlling my life — becoming a wall between us. I agreed, I was getting a little heavy into it and we decided to move to another state where we both had family and no pot-smoking friends. I quit for about four months.

Then I met a new friend and three-four weeks later, I found out that he smoked pot. Well I was back to my bad habits and soon enough we were having “that talk”. We agreed to move out into separate abodes and I quit toking again. My new roommate however was a pot- smoker, and so I started toking again. She began to miss me though, and hated living without me. She decided that as long as I didn't toke in the house, we’d move back in together and be happy again. Her mother and her mother's friend are both VERY against pot, and always commented about how bad it is, and how she doesn't need that (or me) in her life.

So we had “that talk” again recently, and she claims that my actions have hurt her so much that she can no longer be my lover. She still wants me as a friend and to be part of her life. I REALLY want to marry this woman, and have thrown my pot-smoking tools and such into the trash in front of her, as a showing of how serious I am about quitting.

She says that it's too late, that she can never love me like she did, and that nothing I can do now will change that. I am determined to try though, I have to! My heart won't allow anything else. How can I convince this woman that I love her more than I love toking? Please help! ----Messed-Up and Missing Her

To see E. Jean's answer

You sound like a good guy with a bad habit and I’m sorry to give you more pain. I’m going to be blunt: Believe her.

When a woman says “It’s too late,” when a woman no longer wishes to share your bed, when a woman begins talking about “being friends,” it’s over.

You may be able to regain her respect, (you may even salvage some respect for yourself) if you stay off the weed; but as for your affair? It’s finished.

Again, I beg your pardon for being so frank; but because you don’t seem to realize that A) she’s a rational creature who can think for herself, and B) that she’s moving on, I want to say a few words about mending your own heart:

Don’t Be Her Friend
It won’t work. (In fact, it will only increase your torment and double the time it takes to get over her.) Cut off all contact with her⎯⎯no calls, no texts, no driving by her house at 4:00 AM and begging for sex.

Stop Hanging Out with Potheads
Their influence shatters your will.

You Can’t Do This On Your Own
Join AA. Now.

Look at Your Past Honestly
That whole “throwing my pot-smoking tools and such into the trash in front of her, as a showing of how serious I am about quitting” doesn’t mean bull hockey. It’s a complete sham. If you wish to show the world you’ve changed, get clean and go volunteer with a group which is saving the planet, the whales, the rivers, the election, the children in Darfur, or whatever your passionate cause is.

And good luck!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and

katlovesclothes katlovesclothes 9 years
My dad is in law enforcement. If i brought home a guy who remotely seemed drug-addled (or drug-smelling) he'd kick BOTH our a$$es.
DCStar DCStar 9 years
In my life I have had quite a few friends and family members addicted to Marijuana. It can absolutely be addictive because it is such a lifestyle, rather than just a drug. The only way to really recover from toking, as you put it, is to completely start over new. New friends, new roommates, and yes maybe some help via AA or M-A or whatever group will provide sober stability for you. If you keep your smoking friends, you will easily fall back into old habits.
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 9 years
She got sober for you, you should have gotten sober for her. It's harder to ditch cocaine than pot, and she managed it. I have to question your will power. If you wanted to give your life to this woman, why couldn't you stay sober for her?
lala788 lala788 9 years
good advice E. Jean, it's sound like you trying way too much for this girl, move on (or at least try to)!
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
erratic-assassin - agreed...she's definitely gone for good by the sounds of it... "She fell out of love and at some point, probably met someone who sparked a greater interest." I agree with that being fairly obvious...
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
She has another man in her life. Trust me. It's written all over. A woman who doesn't want to be with the guy she's loved or been with for 4 years doesn't just leave over pot. She fell out of love and at some point, probably met someone who sparked a greater interest. She is long gone and it's best you begin to accept that. Don't beg...leave that to the dogs. And yes, you need to find someone who is more open-mided. Or control your smoking. My bf and I have lived with each other for quite a while and he is totally cool with me smoking. I only do it maybe...mmm, once a month and when he's not around. I know it disturbs him and although he's given me the freedom to do what I want, I wouldn't want to push it. It's about comprimising. You can't be selfish.
luckyEmmie luckyEmmie 9 years
I can't tell you how many girls I know who have ended relationships because of pot-- myself included. It seems like such a harmless drug, and most people have no problem using it only occasionally. You fall in love with who someone is, not who they are when they're high, so you ask them not to be high around you. They promise not to, but because they're addicted (yes, you can TOTALLY be addicted to pot), they can't stop. That's where the fights and the lies come it. Ultimately, it becomes a matter of TRUST!!! It's interesting to hear this story from the boyfriend's point of view, and it's just heartbreaking all around.
McSquish McSquish 9 years
This happened to me, I was that girl. Except in addition to pot, my bf played videos and drank. This was all bundled together to create a horrible un-attentive person. We after three years, we broke up. I too told him I couldn't be with him, he vowed to change and had changed so many times before only to go back to the habits weeks, months later. I told him I wanted to be friends, more for his sake than me. I loved him, but I was no longer in love with him. I know he wanted to change and I stayed long enough to give him a chance, but I was fed up and it was over. I honestly believed I would never get back with him. I felt that I had moved on and I believed if changes were going to be made, they were for his well being, not mine and that finally clicked with him. We didn't talk for about three months. Maybe an email here, a text there, just updates. After those three months, after the anger and disappointment subsided, we started to hang out again "like friends". He didn't need to say anything about his changes, I could see them and I noticed his demeanor. He stopped smoking pot (he didn't smoke when I met him, only while we were together so it threw me off even more), he un-installed all his games, and he drank like a normal human who has a social life. And a miracle happened: I fell in love with him again (after time of course!) 8 months after we broke up, we got back together. We broke over a year ago now and things have only changed for the better. Sure, we still have bumps and old memories of bad times, but we talk and move past it. I'm not saying this is what you need to do and you're guaranteed your girlfriend back. She's made a decision and she has a right to stick to it. You have the right to make changes in your life for yourself. It's up to you to make those changes for you and she can judge and way things accordingly for her. Or just decide that you want pot in your life and find a partner accordingly. We all have choices. Good luck!
HelloKittyMini HelloKittyMini 9 years
You need to let this go. Clearly you two are incompatible. The marijuana issue sounds like a smoke cloud (pun intended)for whatever is really wrong in your relationship. If you were a smoker at the begining of the relationship she should have accepted it. If she didn't want to be with a smoker, she shouldn't have dated you in the first place. You on the other hand should have decided years ago if you could date 1) a non smoker or 2) someone who disapproves of a daily activity in which you participate. It seems not until recently, did one of you reach a level of maturity to cut their losses. I'm sorry that you hurt. But take this as a sign that you need to assess your life and decide what kind of person are you going to be? Do you want to be a smoker? Do you really want to quite? Are you okay with being a smoker? Have you reached your professional/career goals? Is pot or something else holding you back? You need to be by yourself, and happy with yourself. Although cliche, when you are happy with yourself you will find a good mate.
AZ-Mary-Mary AZ-Mary-Mary 9 years
Have to agree here. "Let's be friends" is the kiss of death in any relationship. Breaking up sucks no matter what, but I think it's always worse when you face losing the friendship along with the love, that's what I always miss most
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
I completely agree with E. Jean on this one. I commend you for trying, and seek help. Good luck to you.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
"I give the girl credit for realizing she can't change her man, not accepting what she doesn't want, and bailing." I completely agree. And I don't think it's closeminded to not want your mate to be so controlled by anything, regardless of what substance it may be. Or whatever it may be - his mother, his job, alcohol, etc. The issue isn't WHAT is being smoked, it's that it's become an overwhelming influence that controls his life. Even the author of the post himself agreed that it was controlling his life.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
dump her and find someone who is more open minded.
nicole121482 nicole121482 9 years
I don't know that you can't ever win her back...but it would be no quick would need to continuously show her over the course of years....that you aren't smoking and are truly done! Maybe once she sees you stay clean for years on end...then it would, but there is nothing you can do at the moment:( Sorry, if you are willing to go in for the long haul, aka "marriag", then you should be willing to prove over years. But, don't expect any immediate response or reaction.
missmaddie missmaddie 9 years
fashionhore fashionhore 9 years
How can you be serious about quitting when you have tried and failed numerous times? Why now and why this time? If it's because you may lose the love of your life, save me the drama. If you were that serious, you would've quit the first time. She did and he should've shown her the same respect. I know that you should give people another chance, but how many chances do you get before it's enough? From experience I know that once the trust of your word is gone, there is nothing more for her to rely on or build a relationship on. Why get married and comtemplate starting a family with a man who can't commit to his own word, and who may not be the best partner or father figure? There is only so much a person can take... and I think she has reached her limit with you my friend.
gsteinhauser gsteinhauser 9 years
If she's the kind of person worth dating then she's not going to get back together with you.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
I ♥ RockAndRepublic's bluntness in all her replies
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Her mother's against Pot? Gee, really? Did you want a pat on the back for that one? If you want to get clean, you know what to do. In the mean time, leave her be. She's growing up, you could learn.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 9 years
Sometimes, it's hard for us to believe you when you've shattered our trust over and over again. Just take it as the cards you've been dealt, and a sure sign that you need to get clean, before you mess up a chance at your next great lady.
jenintx jenintx 9 years
i think it's more about trust than the actual pot-smoking; though don't get me wrong, the pot-smoking probably is a part of it. if she can't trust you to follow through with a promise to stop smoking, how can she trust you with anything? sorry to say it, but all of these ladies are right. get help, find new friends and move on. learn from your mistakes, and you'll be much better off.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I give the girl credit for realizing she can't change her man, not accepting what she doesn't want, and bailing.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
You need to stop hangning out with people who smoke pot. I used to smoke pot all the time, then I quit and found out all the people I thought were friends, the people I smoked with, stopped talking to me because they couldn't get anything out of me anymore. If you really want to quit, do something so that it isnt accessible to you anymore. MOVE. Get a new roommate. TALK to prospective roommates BEFORE they move in and find out of they smoke pot. If they do, move on to the next one. You should fix yourself before you can focus on fixing your relationship with someone else. Two equal halves make a whole, if one of the halves is lacking, its never going to be whole. Make yourself whole first, and if that means giving up pot, do it. (don't get me wrong here, Im not the Anti-Pot, but in this situation, thats what the doctor orders)
alltherage alltherage 9 years
yeah you need to move on. you have had enough chances. take care of yourself and clean up. there will be someone else and you need to be ready for her.
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