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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: How Do I Tell Him What I Really Want?

Dear E. Jean,

This letter may offend you and DearSugar — I hope you all can be open-minded. Ever since I was small, I was consumed with the notion of being tied up. My sister and I would play gagging each other. Whenever I saw someone tied up in the movies or on television, I’d be deeply entertained and thrilled.

Now that I’m grownup with a fine career, friends, and a rewarding life, I daydream about having a partner bind my limbs, tape my lips closed, and blindfold me. I don’t desire to be hurt — far from it. It is the act of binding that thrills me.

I have a boyfriend now who’s very normal and wants ordinary, typical lovemaking. It bores me. How do I tell him what I really want? Will he think I’m crazy? What normal person wants to be tied up and made helpless? — Bound For Glory

To see E. Jean's answer


Bound, My Buttered Biscuit —

Normal? Please. Sex between two persons can be lovely; but when one of those people is tied up, sex can be FANTASTIC. So tell your boyfriend what you like. If words fail you, give the man a copy of The Joy of Sex. If he freaks, get another boyfriend. Sex is an adventure. Life happens once. End of Auntie Eeeee Jean’s lecture.

Gaaaaaaaaa! One other thing. As I’ve said before, we’re all tied up (in marriages, backward religious laws, arbitrary status restrictions, and so on). Half the people I know are gagged to the point of a helpless coma. So sometimes, for some special souls (not everybody), being tied up gives a wonderful, ecstatic feeling of freedom. Don’t smother your desire. Freedom is one of the only things to live for.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and

Join The Conversation
bizzybee bizzybee 9 years
Solid responses. Tie one on Bound for Glory!
minaminamina minaminamina 9 years
Tell him - I think you'll be surprised how turned on he might get. My personal fetish is being completely dominated - not tied up or bound, per se, but pretending that I'm an unwilling partner. When I told my bf about this, he was uncomfortable at first because men are often very scared of pushing a boundary there - even though you're willing, it's scary for a man being told to act in a primal manner, or be 'inappropriate' with a woman. But once they realize you absolutely WANT it, it should be fine!
sugarbritches sugarbritches 9 years
Saranightly I love your advice to tell him earlier in the day and then let him think about it for the afternoon. He'll be putty in your hands by the time you get around to the scarves...
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 9 years
Normal! :oD
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Honesty! I'm quite lucky because the first time me and my guy slept together he said "I'll do pretty much anything by the way" and it transpired an ex had asked him to CHOKE her. Jesus.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
Sounds normal to me....why dont you just tell him what u want?
saranightly saranightly 9 years
I forgot to mention, you can lead up to the introduction of the scarves by telling him earlier in the day that you have a sexy surprise for him later. That will get him excited!
saranightly saranightly 9 years
Why don't you start with something like silk scarves and jokingly tie his hands together and say something like, "tonight I'm going to please you and you can't touch me!" He'll love it. Afterward, or the next time, bring out the scarves and say, "it's my turn to be pleasured, you owe me." Silk scarves aren't scary or weird and from there, maybe you can take it further if you sense it's something he liked. My boyfriend and I don't really do anything crazy, but anything different I introduce, he gets excited about because it makes sex new again.
invazngirl invazngirl 9 years
i wanted to do that with my relationship now too! so i just went to the hustler store and bought a 5 piece restraint set. it has velcro closure for wrists + ankles and a soft blindfold. it's soft, so it won't make your first time uncomfortable, and pretty strong once you tie them to your bedposts. i just bought them (they're $25) and surprised the bf with them by saying "look what i got for us!" he liked it a lot!
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I think it's completely normal to be into different sexual fantasies. I never told anyone but I love the idea of being man handled and tied up. It doesn't seem like an odd thing to me at all. Maybe the fact that you did that when you were a kid is kind of strange, mostly because you put yourself in danger. It's perfectly normal to have fantasies and bring them up to your partner. He might have some fantasies of his own, might even find your idea thrilling.
GiggleSugar GiggleSugar 9 years
You guys are making me blush! :nerdgirl:
tbk123 tbk123 9 years
I'm totally with you on this one sister! Luckily I have a guy who loves experimenting with knots and we've had a lot of fun exploring Japanese bondage together. I've bragged about his skills on my blog and now all my girlfriends want a turn! Great answer, E. Jean!
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
I agree with bettyboutique as usual ;) don't be ashamed of what you want... personally I think its a fairly normal fantasy :D
SummerBaby SummerBaby 9 years
haha yea do it!! honestly, my favorite thing with when my boyfriend puts his hand around my neck when we are doing the deed... not to hard or anything just the slightest bit of pressure.. and wow! haha its like mind blowing!! soooo tell him what you want!! :) DO IT! haha
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
I would just tell him too. You should trust each other and commmunicate enough to be able to share your fantasies with one another. AND JUST BECAUSE HE MIGHT SEEM STRAIGH-EDGE IT COULD BE HIS FANTASY! He could feel the same baout you!
bettyboutique bettyboutique 9 years
Alright my dear... first off no one is "normal" and this binding and being tied up is called a "fetish" a lot of ppl have fetish's but are secretive about it such as yourself. You wont scare your bf he might just be taken off guard. I think you should tell him though. Maybe try by asking him of some fantasy's he has and then casually bring it up and see what he says. and the binding should really scare him... if you wanted to be hit and what not it might be a little bit different but being tied to the bed posts and being toyed with is seen a lot even just in movies and one tv. Best of luck!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Be like the commercial and just do it!
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
Honesty is the best policy in these situations. Not getting what you want in bed can sometimes lead to serious relationship issues and you suddenly find yourself finding reasons to dump your partner. I'd say bring it up casually, asking if he has any interests or fantasies. You say he wants "normal" sex but he may just be afraid to open up. Trust me, everyone has something. When you describe what you are interested in sexually, make sure to emphasize your level of sexual excitement, and he just might be willing to please, and make that happen for you...what partner WOULDNT want to help their mate get off? If he turns you down, you'll need to examine if thats because he's too shy about unconventional sex, or just doesnt care about your needs. A good guy, will at least try.
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