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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I Adore My Friend, But So Does Everyone Else!

Dear E. Jean,

I have a friend who's so beautiful that every man who crosses our path wants her. This is not paranoia. It's reality. Even movie stars gawk at her on the street — ugh! More cases in point? My ex casually asked me if she was dating anyone, my current ex joked about a three-way, and a man who's been pursuing me for a year has suddenly shifted his interest to her after he met her at a dinner party.

She's funny, charming, and doesn't dress slutty (we're both casual and conservative). I don't have animosity toward her — I adore her — and I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something from this, but what? I'm not unattractive, but now that I'm newly single, I know that every guy who's interested in me won't be once he meets her. I feel like a walking consolation prize. Why is she so irresistible? And what can I do about it? — The Leftover

To see what E. Jean has to say,

.

Left, My Lovely: Oh please. If the lady's such a vexation, don't be seen in public with her. As it is, I've probably received two or three letters from your friends complaining that you are the irresistible one.

This is the hard truth about makeovers, Miss Leftover. We're all the pretty one/ugly one depending on 1.) who we’re with and 2.) how chock-full of good old-fashioned confidence we are. You love her, however, so if she's as ravishing on the inside as she is on the outside, well then . . . since she has the power to keep men on the boil, don’t fight it, use it, Miss Left! Let her bring 'em on! When the lads stampede, simply sweep up the shy ones floundering in her wake. And once you've met someone, for godssakes, don't be stupid. Keep the dude away from her.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
The men that were asking about her just were not the right men for you. If a guy is right for you, he won't care who else is there because he'll be too busy staring at you. (As someone else has said), For good measure, don't bring her along when trying to meet guys. I am serious. Find some slightly less attractive friends to man hunt with. But I really think this is more about the fact that you just haven't met the right guy for you. You will know when you meet him because he won't even be paying attention to her.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
I really like Mesayme's idea. If you like a guy, tell your friend and if she truly is a nice person on the inside too, like you say, she will back off and point him in your direction. And I agree with loosseal: "If a guy only has eyes for you even when she's there, you can be pretty damn sure he's a keeper." So true, you know you found a wonderful nice guy when that happens. :) Just wait it out, and like others said, at least this way you get to meet tons of guys, it gives you a better chance to find the right guy for you.
looseseal looseseal 8 years
Ha, I know, VanillaJ, I'm a Blair fan, even though Serena is the one who's supposed to be all shiny and attention-getting and lovable. So OP, don't be so sure that the one who tends to get more adoration is universally most adored by everyone all the time, that's just not possible. Someone somewhere will like you better, you'll see.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
I would just like to compliment the OP on her wit. "Walking consolation prize" is a gem :ROTFL: In all seriousness, it sounds like a tough situation. If she's genuinely a nice person and a good friend, then I'd have to say it sure as hell would be petty to do anything that would destroy the friendship over something like this. Of course, CaterpillarGirl's advice has merit, too.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
i knew a girl in college who was gorgeous beyond belief; when she had on makeup. not totally painted makeup, just regular go to work makeup. one time a group of us went to dinner and this girl went, w/o makeup. later we all met up to go dancing and she had on makeup; the guys didn't recognize her! we we're like "hello, you sat next to her for an hour and a half and didn't say boo." anyway, my point is you can't see personality across a room, a pretty face will turn heads. but to have a relationship takes something more. looks aren't everything and they don't last.
Vaadsfweytes Vaadsfweytes 8 years
Looseseal, I find Blair much prettier than Serena. ;) Serena always looks a bit off or drunk to me. Her personality bores me as well.
MandeeLei MandeeLei 8 years
Listen sweetheart you don't want every guy to want you, do you? Think of all the schmucks out there! You only want the RIGHT one to want you. And trust me he will, no matter who your best friend is or how she looks. It's about quality not quantity anyway.
looseseal looseseal 8 years
Is your friend named Serena Van Der Woodsen, by any chance? I think this is good. You have a human litmus test right by your side. If a guy only has eyes for you even when she's there, you can be pretty damn sure he's a keeper. And cherry peel is totally right, the superficial surface appeal thing isn't just a "men are visual creatures" thing (I hate that cliche), women do it, too. There are some men who get all the attention while their buddies feel like losers. I don't know about you, but one man is the most I can take at a time. A throng of pursuers gets annoying really quickly, especially when chances are good that with a throng, you don't even like the majority of them, not even a little bit. And some of them can be very persistent and it can be really hard to make them go away.
Carrie14884290 Carrie14884290 8 years
There's no accounting for taste. I hang out with a bunch of guys and it's funny to hear them disagreeing about who's hot and who's not. Different people are attracted to different things. Just be yourself!
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
I forgot to add... like caterpillar mentioned; please don't try to look like her or act like her. You'll weird her out and she's going to lose you like an old toothbrush. There's nothing more irritating than a copycat friend. Only young girls and insecure women enjoy that nonsense.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
I've been "that" girl and I've been around "that" girl. E. Jean is right - it's all completely relative. You can't do *anything* about the guys that are so smitten with her looks - so accept that, gain confidence in other areas of your life/ personality and get to know the guys you *do* attract! (And, oh, working out always worked for me, too...)
heartcandy heartcandy 8 years
Don't measure yourself according to what men what, if you do that, you'll never be satisified with who you are and you'll get plastic surgery a whole bunch of times and end up looking like micheal jasckson. and who really wants that? all im saying is that feeling inferior just makes you feel ill and makes you feel like your trapped from expressing who you truly are. so what men like your friend alot, men don't have to mean so much to you if you dont let them. you need to give yourself some attitude penicillin. Live your life! only be preoccupied with yourself, and how wonerful you are.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Re-posting, as my first post missed the quote. "And what can I do about it?" Be happy for your friend. ALSO, feel better about yourself. Being attractive is about physical and psychological well-being. It's about being pretty on the outside AND inside. Trust me, if you align yourself with this principle, you would become as irresistible as your friend. Men would pursue you. Women would want to be your friend. Trust me. :)
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
<> Be happy for your friend. ALSO, feel better about yourself. Being attractive is about physical and psychological well-being. It's about being pretty on the outside AND inside. Trust me, if you align yourself with this principle, you would become as irresistible as your friend. Men would pursue you. Women would want to be your friend. Trust me. :)
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
just dont cut your hair the same, wear the same outfits and kill her puppy
sunlandseagirl sunlandseagirl 8 years
Ok we've all had friends like this. But i'll tell you what I did.....I found some friends more frumpy than me ( yes i did it!!Im not ashamed either) haha I know it sounds really vain to do/say this but the truth is that these girls not only turned out to be great friends but more importantly gave me an escape from my prettier friends. It helped me realize that there is a huge world out there with many varieties of beauty and many varieties of men who can appreciate it...Often times when you are so closed into your world you can't realize how you have trapped your mind as well. Get out there and expand your horizons and thoughts. It is definitely not healthy to ONLY hang around with your prettier and wittier friend who gets everything that she wants. You NEED to give yourself a vacation from that every now and then...if you dont you'll just end up being a big, green monster so riddled with jealousy that even if your friend moves away you will never be able to find happiness....so GET moving :)
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
If she is in fact as beautiful on the inside as she is gorgeous on the outside...tell her when you are interested in a guy. She'll know how to break the enchantment with her and make him look your way ;) Trust me.
margokhal margokhal 8 years
Totally been there and done that. I've had friends who were THAT girl. And I *know* it wasn't about confidence, either. They're some of the most self-critical people I know. Guys [good and bad ones alike!] just LOVED them because of their looks. And they had so many options that it was easy to pick out the "good" guys to pursue. The "good" guys stuck with them for extended periods of time *in spite of* their flat and critical personalities. I suppose the easiest solution would be to only go out with friends who are less attractive than you when you're looking for guys [I know I've read that in a few books and magazines, but it's a joke, right?], and let time with this friend be strictly girls-only time. eh. *shrug*
hope2be hope2be 8 years
Don't feel like that, if you can, I know, it's HARD to not feel like the 'leftover.' :p I felt like that. My best friend in highschool was that girl. I really adored her. Man, she's the most beautiful girl in school, had the best body--and all natural to boot (all men drool on hers), a valedictorian, dipped into modeling, won so many awards (educational-wise), very outgoing (borderline flirtatious) especially with boys and etc. Man, I remember when we're out hanging out, boys would flock to her and I was completely ignored. I didn't date that much in high school because most boys tried to pursue her and only rarely looked at me. Even my ex (my long-time highschool bf) really liked her to the point he talked/called her up/hung out with her more than he did me LOL. She's not the reason we broke up thou. And another boy actually asked me out instead of her because he thought I was 'easier to date' (he wanted to get 'some') than my best friend because I wasn't as gorgeous as she was. He was an ass LOL. But I never blamed her, she's got her problems too, many girls hated her because she's so popular and beautiful and some of them treated her (and me since I was her bff) horribly. Anyway, after high school, we moved to different towns to pursue college. Then I started dating more and stuffs and find guys who actually thought I was cute :p I guess I have no advice to give. The separation from her actually helped me to develop my own thing, and I never use being her friend as an obstacle to have some sort of self-esteem, I guess. We're still really good friends, just long-distanced wise.
krae85 krae85 8 years
I like what cherry said. And the truth is the right guy will like you, not her. I'd dump the sleaze that suggested a three-way, ugh.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
The more you feel like the wallflower, the more you are one. Don't be a victim!
cherry-peel cherry-peel 8 years
When I met my now husband a few years back, one of the first things he told me was how glad he was I didn't have a crush on his best friend first. He was in that situation a lot, his best friend was charming and dated a lot, a lot of girls, while my husband never really dated at all. Thing is, I never found his friend to be attractive at all like most other girls, I only noticed my husband. SO, while you may think it is impossible for any guy to notice you when your with your friend, know that when the right guy comes along he will notice you first. It will happen, but I can understand your worry.
krrn krrn 8 years
i have a really similar situation, though i wouldn't call it a problem. my best friend is so gorgeous too. anywhere we go, every guy stares at her. but i was always worried about her because while she is beautiful, she is also an amazing person and i hated so many of the guys she was with because they didn't truly appreciate her. i've always been so protective of her for that reason. haha. but right now she is with a great guy. and she has never gotten in the way of any relationship i had. anyways, i agree with e. jean's advice, i talk to so many guys just because they are drawn to my best friend. and i'm sure there are plenty of guys that like you too. i have had a similar experience as karlotta and had a few guys that were in our circle of friends tell me that they always had a thing for me and not her. have confidence in yourself. i accept that there are many, many girls in the world who are much more beautiful than me but that doesn't stop me from being proud of who i am and the way i look.
melissajoy301 melissajoy301 8 years
If your friend is as beautiful as you say she is, she probably has enough options that she doesn't have to pick up your sloppy seconds. She's probably out of their league anyway.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I had a friend who wasn't that pretty but emanated so much sexy that guys on our path would literally drool all over her and be completely oblivious to me. That went on for ten years - me feeling invisible, and her being the center of attention everywhere we went. Yet, my boyfriend at the time we first became friends really loved me, and never even looked at her. So once a guy loves you, you can throw a top model on his lap and he won't want to have anything to do with her. And last month, a guy she introduced me to a couple of years back, told me that the day we met, he thought I was much prettier than her, and that in my quieter way, I looked a ton more interesting. My self-esteem exploded. So, all is not lost. In the next ten years, two guys may find you more interesting than her - LOL, just kidding - I meant that appearances can be deceiving, and if you have a complex towards her, maybe you won't realize the men who notice YOU, too focused on the herds piling up at her doorstep. Men are into physical attraction, okay, but to each their own, and not everyone is going to find her more attractive than you. And her personality may be great, but yours sounds pretty awesome too, and some guys will click with you more than with her. So keep your self-confidence, remind yourself of what you have that she doesn't, play on your own strengths, and be proud of yourself just as much as of her.
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