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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm Happy, But Not Sexually Pleased

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm Happy, But Not Sexually Pleased

Dear E. Jean,

I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend, a perfect gentleman, two years. In the beginning everything seemed wonderful; and things are still great except for the sex. We just can’t get it right these days. Either we have sex and it ends in disaster (over too quickly), or we make no attempts to do it at all.

I mean he tries to make "moves," but I usually reject him because I’m no longer turned on (mainly because I know how fast it will be over.) I can count on a few fingers the times I’ve had an orgasm with him in this two-year relationship! Aside from the sex we’re pretty fabulous together. He wants me to be happy; but I’m starting to feel desperate. We plan to marry next year! — Pleased, But Not Satisfied

To see E. Jean's answer


But Not, My Blossom,

My God! Has the man never heard of oral sex? Give him Dr. Ian Kerner’s She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and hold a vibrator to his head until he reads the entire chapter called, "The Tongue Is Mightier than the Sword." After that ask him what he likes. It’s time you both develop sexy curiosity and open minds.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and

Jesi_Oh Jesi_Oh 8 years
well you didn't say there's no chemistry at all, I think it's mainly that you're not satisfied because it's so quick and you don't get off. Because of this YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX MORE. Of course he's quick if he never gets any. And he won't get to know your body and you won't be sexually comfortable expressing your needs and the frustration will just build up until you're not great together at all. I'm not suggesting you have to have sex if you don't want to I just think having more sex will get you to a place where you DO want to have sex. (also try wearing condoms if you don't already, that might slow him down :-)
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 8 years
Ugh, I can so relate to this story. I even got engaged to someone with this lack of chemistry. When he touched me it was like he was NOT into it, he was so tentative and uninspired. It was so hard to let go though because he/we seemed so perfect in every other way and I was afraid I'd never find anyone else like that. I tried all kinds of things to 'ignite the passion' but it just wasn't there. But sexual chemistry is critical to being happily married for most of us, and yes it's not always there even in the best marriages, but it should be able to come back. Some couples I think are really a-sexual. I definately was not (and I wonder to this day if he is). I'm so glad I moved on. I thought I'd never find someone I had so much in common with again but I did in less than a year. I couldn't believe how little faith I had in life and that I almost trapped myself in a marriage that would always have such a big problem. I've been married five years to Mr. Right and we've got a rockin sex life. Good luck!
gibbylet gibbylet 8 years
Apparently some of you guys haven't ever actually been in a long term relationship where there are sexual problems. "Get over it" and "Put out more" isn't helpful advice. People have all sorts of sexual issues/fears - and over time in a relationship they become entrenched and it is very hard to overcome them once the hurt, awkwardness and disappointment starts seeming like it may never end. I've been with my partner for 4 years and the first year was easy because my positive feelings about sex kept me turned on. Now it's easy for each of us to get tentative and to shy away from intimacy if things don't go smoothly right away while we work on our individual issues like disparity in desire, sex that doesn't last long enough sometimes, fear of being selfish in bed, etc etc. It's not easy, but if you're willing to work thru things (sometimes painfully) I wouldn't break up over sex when everything else is good. Now if he doesn't want to talk about it and work on it, that's another subject. If you two can't talk about it without it getting tense I'd suggest a counselor. Have conversations about what you want out of sex NOT at night and NOT after you've just had an "epic failure" in bed. The book "she comes first" is great if you mainly want orgasms and want a guidebook on how he can perform oral sex on you splendidly, but of course you have to be somewhat relaxed in the first place to "open yourself up to it" so to speak. I am going to recommend the book "passionate marriage" by David Schnarch. And YES, own your own O. Takes the stress off of him feeling inadequate, and a sexually fulfilled woman (even if its not the way you'd like to be fulfilled) is sexier. You'll also be more receptive to his advances even if he doesn't have the hang of seducing you yet and it will be easier to say yes even if it's not because he's doing everything right.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Tell him that you are not happy with your sex life, and that it is not satisfying for you. Then say that you want to spice it up. Stop having intercourse with him altogether. Then, teach him how to please you first with his hands, his tongue and a toy if necessary. Once he is able to do that, then start having sex after you have had extended foreplay (him performing it on you), and you have orgasmed at least once. Once again, you need to actually communicate with him if you expect things to get better. You have to work on this problem together, especially if you intend on marrying. Two main reasons people divorce are: money problems and sex problems. So educate him and educate yourself, and you should be able to get over this together if you both go into it with an open mind, the desire to educate yourselves and experimentation. Now, please read my answer on page 4 of group therapy, the op title was "premature ejaculation, please help." There are many tips on how to make him last longer. Good luck.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Unfortunately, EJean, my "lazy rump" has no juicy questions I'm desperate to have answered. But, EJean, you must answer more then one question per week, right? And shouldnt you be choosing the more brilliant questions to print rather then just the boring vanilla ones? I mean, there are millions of books on this topic as well as hundreds of sites and help pages if the questioner would just get off of HER 'lazy rump' and google it. Of course you may feel it's your duty to answer her but maybe you could reply to her seperately and instead try to post questions that have not been answered in other DearSugar topics? Or at least find things that arent so vanilla.
mkls6044 mkls6044 8 years
If you never have sex, of course it is over quickly!! Oblige him more often, and he'll have more stamina. Of course foreplay helps too.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
How about you communicate this to him instead of the internet?
graylen graylen 8 years
EJean- you just earned serious points by jumping in here and commenting yourself... love it!
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
YES - my new boyfriend has this book and it is worth every penny of whatever he paid for it. Also, if this were me, I wouldn't get married. Or I'd try couples counseling.
EJean EJean 8 years
Miss Fallen 85. I agree! Many of Dan's questions are brilliant and juicy. But you would be AGOG at the (literally) hundreds of straight, vanilla questions like this flood the Ask E. Jean desk. And flood Dear Sugar. And every once in a while we MUST run one. (Because, frankly, it helps a lot of people.) So calm thy savage soul, dear Fallen. If you want to read a juicy question, get off your lazy rump and send me one!
Myst Myst 8 years
ilanac... my mom once told me a very valuable piece of information, "Own your O". You may love and adore your man and while sex isn't everything, in order for your relationship to have a lasting time, beyond the 2 1/2 years or more, you need to be sexually compatible. If you're man isn't pleasing you either be blunt and let him know, or do it more subtly. It's your body and guys don't always know what pleases you, as I learn from all of my guy friends, most men assume that the all women get off in the same way, which we know is not the truth. Tell him you want to experience some different things, as a poster mentioned before, rent videos, buy books, Tantric sex, something, but get it done now, before later on down the line where you've become unhappy and even more unsatisfied.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
see - i have complete empathy for you . you have to figure out what you're really looking for in a long term relationship. for myself and my man - we have been together for 2.5 years and we're engaged, but the sex - well that's an interesting thing. i feel like sometimes it's just not worth it and when we have it, i don't really enjoy it. i have had this thought that maybe he just doesn't know what i like - and that he does it for his own good - which isn't a good enough excuse for me. i don't ever want to tell him what to do for me to enjoy it more, but that's my own stuff. i've resigned myself for the fact that i love and adore him and he's the best guy for me and that if sex isn't the BEST - well then that's just how it's going to be
werbene werbene 8 years
I had the same problem until I realized that I need to have more control over what is happening and make sure I let him know what pleases me! I agree with Myst, tantric sex is the answer!!
Deidre Deidre 8 years
Honestly, OP, you can't just keep turning him away. Sometimes you have to kind of leap and go for it, even if you're not feeling completely turned on. Saying no to sex on a regular basis isn't exactly doing much to a) assist him in learning how to please you, b) do anything for your man's ego, and c) get you off! All relationships require that you work at it at some point. Sometimes, that includes the sex part. So get in there and help him out!
hope2be hope2be 8 years
Dude, it's partly your fault too for not teaching him the stuffs to please you. Go do so and think of it as a fun adventure because it's supposed to be fun and pleasurable. If you want, buy books together to read up on, rent/buy dvds (I'm sure they offer many that offer great tricks). Have fun and stop thinking that you need to orgasm every time. And to slow his orgasm, how about double the condom worn..or he may need to get a check up if he can't control his ejaculation esp. if he's in his 30s or something.
Myst Myst 8 years
get a book on Tantric sex, and try some positions. It also teaches a man how to "hold off" :D
KadBunny KadBunny 8 years
If you guys have been together this long you should definitely be comfortable enough to talk about dirty things and what the other likes, so do. Introduce toys or something (assuming you're ok with them yourself). I'm getting the feeling he might be bashful about these things because he's such a gentleman, but just assure him he doesn't have to be one behind closed doors. ;) Good luck! On a lighter note: That's a cute picture of E Jean. :P
melissajoy301 melissajoy301 8 years
Are all the new E. Jean posts going to be ripped straight out of Elle??? Lame.
le-romantique le-romantique 8 years
I agree with E. Jean, but if sex is such a problem and seems to be all you care about get rid of him. Its a shame that sex is a reason to ruin a relationship. Coach him or something.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
*Yawn* Dont we answer questions like this on a weekly basis on Group Therapy? Come on, there must be some better questions in that mail bag. No wonder Savage Love is so popular, the questions are actually interesting!
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