Dear E. Jean--
I am soooooooo going out of my mind. I’m 27, and by no means a virgin; but I’ve never had an orgasm. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do? See a shrink? A gynecologist? A male escort? I’m going witless here. Please help!-------Waiting for the Fireworks
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FIREWORKS, MY BLAZING MINX:
I once knew a young lady of 39 who had endured such a long string of idiot lovers and husbands she’d never enjoyed the Ooo Wee, either.
I took her to a fashionable shop in San Francisco which sold rabbits, wands, sprockets, rockets, smoothies, and butterflies. After much laughing and bashful indecision, she selected the attractive Hitachi Magic Wand, the Manolo Blahnik of vibrators.
The sales attendant inquired if my friend wished to “try it” before “purchasing.” My friend turned red as a tomato, shook her head, backed up, said, “no no no no,” laughed, fluttered a nervous hand at her chest, swallowed and whispered: “yes, please.”
She was shown into an elegant dressing room with small table, a chair and a lot of wall sockets. I waited outside. Ten or twelve seconds later I heard her turn the thing on. This was followed by a tiny screech of surprise and the sound of her crashing against the chair and knocking over the table.
“I’m ok!” she whispered through the door.
“Should I call the sales attendant?” I said.
“No no! I’m fine!” she whispered.
I heard her turn the fabled gizmo on again and . . . well, dear Miss Fireworks, let me just say that if you’re not Googling “vibrator” and purchasing one this very instant, I’m going to think you are a twit.
As for my friend, the sudden explosion of bliss she experienced in the tryout room was so large, so swelling, so unexpected -- her eyeballs rolled up in her head and she couldn’t see to pay at the cashier. I had to put the thing on my card.