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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Who Should I Pick?

Dear E. Jean,

I have a dilemma: I’m torn between two guys. Both of them love me, I’ve dated them both, and I love them both in different ways. One I’ve known longer; but I just don’t feel the connection with him like I used to. He kept trying to claw back into my life while I was dating the Sweetheart Guy.

Sweetheart Guy and I took a break because I felt like things were moving too fast and I explained about how I needed to resolve what was going on with Connectionless Guy. Sweetheart Guy understood and continues to understand.

It felt all right with Connectionless Guy and some times were good. But he refuses to let his mother, or his friends know we are back together. He keeps his status on social networking sites as “single.” And he doesn’t do anything romantic with me. I’m kind of tired of it.

We’re both busy during the week, but he doesn’t really make an effort to see me and the rest of the time he’s kind of a jerk. He does some sweet things but it’s like he’s afraid or ashamed of anyone really knowing how he feels about me. I can see it in his face he loves me, but this fear-thing is annoying.

A lot of my friends don’t like Connectionless Guy because of how bad he hurt me. He just acted so contrite over what happened that I thought I’d give him another chance instead of letting it bother me and ruin my relationship with Sweetheart Guy. Everyone loves Sweetheart Guy. He’s everything I could ever ask for and more. I know I feel content and at ease with him - really connected with him. Sweetheart Guy and I are ONLY on break, so I could sort things out with Connectionless Guy.

Sweetheart Guy still treats me like his girlfriend and I respond back, and, I’m not the cheating type of girl but, I do respond to the kisses and silly things. I’m just happier with him. I am pretty damned sure I’ve seen all I’ve needed to see and I know where I want to be. But now my problem is this: How the hell do I dump Connectionless Guy and let him know that my trial period of seeing him again is over? And do you think I’m right in picking Sweetheart Guy, E. Jean? (Probably silly to ask, but I do so enjoy it when you bash an a**hole-ish chap). — Looking for Serenity

To see E. Jean's answer


My luv, I am thankful for YOU today! I adore a letter where a clever-but-confused correspondent starts out asking a question, and . . . by the end of the second page, has answered it herself. Bravo! Mr. Connectionless is a turkey. Call him. Be brief, be sweet, don’t knock the stuffing out of him, just say: “Darling, we gave it a try. Alas, it’s not working for me. I wish you great happiness, great luck, God Speed, and Adios.” Sweetheart Guy is the right pick. Now, give me a piece of pie, and getoutta here.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and

Join The Conversation
sweetrae80 sweetrae80 9 years
you just keep thinking C-guy is gonna change and become like SH-Guy. he won't. people usually don't change. C-guy is an idiot and soon enough you'll be embarrassed that you ever liked him in the first place!
lolalu lolalu 9 years
ummm... you clearly answered your own question by saying "i'm just happier with him" in reference to Sweetheart Guy. So, why are we discussing this? Go for SHG!
parisiansky parisiansky 9 years
My advice echoes everyone else's; I say stick with Sweetheart Guy. The fact that he's given you the time to 'sort things out' with another guy and willing to wait on you says a lot about how much he cares for you.
Marci Marci 9 years
My feeling is that if you have to ask other people who you should be with then you shouldn't be with either of them. Wait for the guy you *know* you want to do be with. That's my advice.
janeymac janeymac 9 years
Hey I have a suggestion: hold onto connectionless guy, and give me sweetheart's number ;)
marthalilian126 marthalilian126 9 years
*raises hand and waves it frantically in the air* Oh oh! I know the answer! Get rid of Conectionless Guy. Delete his number from your phone. Don't e-mail him. Don't IM him. Don't send him letters via carrier pigeon. Just let him go. I've sabotaged perfectly good relationships in the past because I was holding on to what could be. He's never going to change. The way he is now is how he will always be. Plus, this Sweetheart Guy doesn't need to be jerked around like that. Make your decision and stick with it.
rswanson1 rswanson1 9 years
I was in the exact same situation. It is a lot harder situation to be in than you all seem to understand. When you love someone and have been in a long term relationship it’s easy to see past a lot of stuff, even when things get borderline abusive. Don’t condescend or call someone stupid for their feelings, I was in a two year relationship that was not healthy and severely affected my ability to open up emotionally to people. When I was trying to get away from that guy (we were "on a break")I meet an incredible guy who was nice, funny and treated me so well. I had actually forgotten what it was like to not be taken for granted! Sadly I got sucked back into the unhealthy relationship but the "sweetheart guy" had shown me that I deserved better and I expressed my frustrations to my "connectionless guy" and I ended it. There were tears, psudo-stalking and threats of self harm from the "connectionless guy" but thankfully I had a great support system and the number for my local police station. For the record, I am with my own sweetheart guy now and couldn’t be happier :)
carak carak 9 years
i hope Sweetheart guy finds someone other than you. you obviously don't appreciate him since you took a break from him to see if things could work with Connectionless Guy. since this Sweetheart Guy seems to really be into you, you owe him A LOT for doing this to him.
Hannah-123 Hannah-123 9 years
this really is not a BIG deal break up with the jerk. I know i would not break up with a guy that is really sweet and treats u rite just for a guy i felt sorry for and treats u like crap its really simple just break it off. Go back to the sweet guy because there really hard to find.
dd-sugar dd-sugar 9 years
Even without Sweetheart Guy in the wings, you need to move on from Connectionless Guy. Several months ago, I told my own Connectionless Guy there was no connection and nothing changed so I moved on (8 yr relationship). His pessimistic attitude was sucking the very life out of me. You deserve better and Sweetheart Guy deserves your undivided attention. You don't owe Connectionless Guy anything. Sounds like he's still "looking" anyway. Lucky you though, Sweetheart Guy sounds like a keeper!
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
rockandrepublic you're my fav
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Are you some kind of masochist?
I reckon she is if she's giving chances to someone who doesn't even warrant it. If someone throws egg on your face, do you give them a hug and thank them? Figure out exactly what it is that you want and most importantly, love yourself.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
This is a tough one. Connectionless guy sounds like a REAL catch.. not.
missro21 missro21 9 years
You answered your own question... now give up one those guys!
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I think you answered your own question and what you really want to know is how to break it off. Listen, breaking things off is not easy and if you have a heart you'll hate hurting someone. Believe me though when I say he isn't going to be that hurt. He makes no attempt to show you how much he loves you. So just simply tell him you need to move on and wish him all the best in life. You tried it with him and it didn't work so now it's time to move on before sweet heart guy does the same.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
This really isn't a question at all.... "Do I be with the guy who treats me like SH*T, or with the guy who treats me fabulously?" hmmm I don't really think thats a hard decision to make lol.... Tell him you're better off without him case closed.
Esix Esix 9 years
+1 and amen. Case closed. Be happy with sweetguy and forget the other one.
nikodarling nikodarling 9 years
Um...yeah. What do you think you owe connectionless guy? He treats you like crap and doesn't want to be with you. Why are you even asking this. Are you some kind of masochist? Tell him flat out that you won't be with someone who treats you this way and don't look back.
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