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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Why Can't I Find A Good Guy?

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Why Can't I Find A Good Guy?

Dear E. Jean,

I am at my wit’s end — seriously. In the last ten months I’ve been dumped by three guys. The first was a long term boyfriend. The second was I guy I really liked and had been seeing for two months and he just stopped calling. (I never saw it coming!) The third, ok, I admit it, he was a hookup, we saw each other three Thursday nights in a row, he’s INCREDIBLY hot! But all he wants to do is hookup and last week when I arrived at a party, he LEFT!! My self esteem is on the floor. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I find a good guy?

I’m pretty, I’m funny, I’m nice, I volunteer, I give money to charity, where is my true love? I try and meet nice guys, I’ve signed up for and, I ask my friends to fix me up, please help!! I’m going to a speed dating event this Sunday, can you give me some pointers? — No Man’s Land

To see E. Jean's answer

No Man, My Muffin,

Now, now, darling. Three guys? Three guys are nothing. If it had been thirty guys, I would have been concerned, but three? Phoo. You are waaaaay too frantic — because if all you think about are guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys, you never will find love.

What to do?

Unman yourself, clear your head, and glory in yourself.

For the next seven days you will not speed date, Match Date, True Date, or eat Fig Newtons which contain dates. You will not think about men, dream about men, or feel badly because you don’t “have” a man. You will go everywhere, do everything, try everything, live your life; but you will not bat so much as a left eyelash in the direction of anything that possesses a testicle anywhere on its body.

That’s right. You are going to enter Man-Frenzy Detox. No chaps for seven days.

You will wear only Donna Karen (Vivian Westwood, Stella McCartney, Vera Wang, etc.) and leave the Calvin, Ralph, and the boys in the closet. The paintings you contemplate will be by Frankenthaler, O’Keefe, and Cassatt. You will watch only videos shot by women on YouTube, listen only to Madonna (Mariah, Miley, Rihanna etc, etc), and watch Oprah (not Phil), Katie not Charlie, Paula, not Simon. Needless to say you will not read Dickens. If you bake a cake, it will be Betty Crocker!

You need to blot the Y chromosome from your brain.

I realize it will be difficult, but seven days of a Dude-Free existence will quickly reveal how clever and centered you can be — how full of color and nuance and energy you are when your thoughts are not wrapped around men.

On the eighth day you may venture forth into the world of blokes again — stronger, smarter, more self-assured. Then you may consider speed-dating.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and

Join The Conversation
samischo samischo 9 years
i agree with E. Jean. and then go hang out with your girlfriends instead. go to clubs or bars, but don't make it a manhunt - its a night to be with your friends and flirt with some guys. you don't want to look so desperate!
Bearwoman Bearwoman 9 years
"@Bearwoman: Send her the link, tell her to read E. Jean's crazy and hilarious response. Or maybe you should just cut and paste the article above, because your friend may read these comments." Thank you, lin B.
DCStar DCStar 9 years
I agree with E. Jean. No Man's Land seems too man-obsessed and is getting too desperate. She definitely needs to take three steps back and some deep breaths. I want to recommend that she just takes some time for herself, and don't worry about the guys.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
As soon as you're out there having a good time not looking for a guy, he'll find you. That's the way it always works. Have you ever noticed that when you first get a boyfriend tons of men are attracted to you all of a sudden? It's because you're confident that you don't need anyone since you've already got one. Be your own boyfriend and guys will be flocking to you and if they aren't then who cares you have you anyway.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
nica I was going to post the SAME thing about men smelling desperation on a woman. I swear I don't know how but they can. I met my BF when I was desperate to be single. I'm still pissed that I didn't get a chance to date around more but he was too good to let go. Grrrr.
i-am-awesomeness i-am-awesomeness 9 years
lol... Fig Newtons or anything containing dates!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
i went through something similar a couple years ago. i did, the onion personals (love for hipsters!), went out to bars all the time, etc. to look for guys. of course i found hookups but in the end, it just wasn't worth it. i made a new years resolution in Jan of 2006 that i would stop worrying about finding a boyfriend, focus on myself and let the cards fall where they may. lo and behold, guys started asking me out, i went on fun dates, got out there and met my current bf of 2 years. :) i think guys can smell desperation and neediness honestly. it's just not attractive and i think you just need to be comfortable in your own skin and not care what others think. easier said than done, but hey, it works!
Daphonay Daphonay 9 years
Sage advice from Miss E. Jean, as always! Get to know yourself a little better and then have your confidence make guys beat down the door to be with you.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
Thanks E.Jean I needed this myself. I am in the same osition as the OP. Last three guys randomly checked out. For the next 7 days I will be man free!!
madamsoho madamsoho 9 years
Wonderful advice E.Jean. It's important to have a solid foundation before venturing into a "relationship". Love yourself first...And in most cases that can take more than 7 days. As you begin to love and appreciate the person that you are finding a man does not take center stage in your life. I also think going on a rebound binge doesn't help the situation. Going from man to man is just adding to the initial devastation and dragging your self-esteem through the mud. Imagine if women put the same amount of time, energy and enthusiasm towards a goal or dream..... :)
JustSomeChick JustSomeChick 9 years
I couldn't agree more. It happens when you're not looking and when you least expect it. Just enjoy being YOU, and the rest will fall into place!
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
as soon as you stop looking, he'll find you.
mtothawhat mtothawhat 9 years
Stop thinking about guys. Easier said than done but when you do this they eventually come to you. Soon, you won't have to do a thing=)
mguy414 mguy414 9 years
For Lent this year one of the things I gave up was my "relentless persuit for a boyfriend" I wanted a boyfriend SO bad!! Then I got comfortable with being single, and 2 weeks after Lent started I got a boyfriend and he is the most perfect guy I could ever ask for!!
urban-chic-101 urban-chic-101 9 years
"For the next seven days you will not speed date, Match Date, True Date, or eat Fig Newtons which contain dates." LOL
linb linb 9 years
@Bearwoman: Send her the link, tell her to read E. Jean's crazy and hilarious response. Or maybe you should just cut and paste the article above, because your friend may read these comments.
Bearwoman Bearwoman 9 years
How can I inconspicuously send this to a friend of mine? She needs to read this. She is totally dropping every other ball in her life because she is dude crazy. (No offense to the woman posting this...)
ffemt1201 ffemt1201 9 years
haha! i found my boyfriend rather randomly. it's all about taking care of yourself first; once guys start noticing that you respect yourself, the dates will soon follow...
firesnowbabylove firesnowbabylove 9 years
That's actually really true. If you keep thinking to yourself that you need a man, then you'll appear desperate and guys don't like that. Instead, appear nonchalant and cool about it, and they'll flock to you. Trust me... because that's kind of what happening to me now :P
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
"anything that possesses a testicle anywhere on its body". LMAO!!!!!!!!!
amybdk amybdk 9 years
i do agree that e. jean's advice will be helpful for the poster. We all need space from the opposite sex. However, I don't think that a week of dude-detox is ultimately going to have the impact one might hope for. I don't think you sound desperate -- just very frustrated. I hope you meet a fantastic guy soon!
alltherage alltherage 9 years
i think the giving to charity - was more like saying she was good person and not a positive a guy should see in her. i am going thru something similar to the poster. dumped after a long term, hook up relationship where the guy stopping calling, two month relationship where actaully i dumped the guy. the last 5 weeks i have been doing boy detox. ithink its a good idea and like the posters said desperation is not attactive.
mnp mnp 9 years
LMAO. " Fig Newtons which contain dates..." //
citizenkane citizenkane 9 years
For the first time I agree with E. Jean. Stop thinking about dating...and you will begin to date.
omilawd omilawd 9 years
Repeat after me: YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO BE HAPPY. YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO HAVE HIGH SELF-ESTEEM. From your post, I gathered that you think you DO need a guy to be happy and feel good about yourself, and when girls are like that, they typically are very clingy and suffocating in a relationship. That's probably what's "wrong" with you. Before you start dating, you need to come to terms with your own self. That's what will make your relationship last.
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