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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Why Hasn't He Called?

Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Why Hasn't He Called?

Dear E. Jean and DearSugar,

Six months ago I left my fiancé of six years. Although he was/is a fantastic man, it was the absolute best decision of my 32 years thus far. Since then, I've been dating regularly and it's been wonderful!

I've met plenty of wonderful men, been happily promiscuous, but haven't met anyone I wanted exclusivity with because I've been loving the randomness and spontaneity of my life. Until now.

Holy crap! I met a man three weeks ago who makes me giddy and stupid. He's 31, has his career in order, has a mortgage, and understands my wit and engages in clever banter. Plus he's hot! The thing is, during the first week and a half that we met, we saw each other four times. During the last week and a half, I haven't heard from him. My cell phone "lost" his number (I kid you not) and although I know where he lives, I'm hesitant to just stop by because he lives an hour away and I'm afraid he'd think I was stalking him.

He told me once that a “huge turn off is a needy girl,” and I loathe to appear that way. I'm just perplexed as to why he hasn't called me in nearly two weeks — not even a text message! I swear to you E, I'm a very easygoing girl who doesn't get hung up on men. I just can't seem to stop thinking about the silence and what it means. If he isn't into me, that's fine as long as I know. But this is the first time in an awfully long time that I have no idea where I stand with a guy. And really, it's the not knowing that sucks. What to do, what to do? — Devastated and Crazed

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Miss Devastated, my daffodil,

Here’s the Rule: When a guy’s interested, he calls. When a guy’s not interested, he doesn’t call. And here’s how to ignore that rule: Pick up the phone, call 411, get his office number, or his home number, write the number on a large piece of white paper, and call the bastard.

Don’t wimp out on me now.

And for god's sakes, when you speak to him, don’t ask him “where you stand.” (Of the 11 best ways to kill a chap’s interest, the seventh best way is to ask him “where you stand.”) Keep the conversation light, keep it bright . . . and then if he says he’s been “so busy he just didn’t have time to reach you,” that's when you say goodbye, rip the number to shreds, board an elevator to the top of the tallest building in town, and hurl the pieces out the window. Hurl them. Whhhhheeeeee! And that’s how you deal with a man who hasn’t called.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and

realitylovergirl realitylovergirl 9 years
totem pole theory! there is a book called why hasn't he describes the totem pole in a man's life and where new women in their lives may fall. ps. give a man only 10 days after a first date to call. if he calls after that dont go out with him the first date he suggests. and DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. it is not your fault he isn't calling!
AlliePing AlliePing 9 years
You haven't lost his number, check your cell phone bill!
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
It's possible he's been happily promiscuous as well, and has met someone else who has captured his mind and heart and he's forgotten all about you. Sorry to be blunt and mean, but anythings possible. But basically I think you should call him. Is there really anything wrong with calling up and saying - hey, I haven't heard from you in a while - what's goin' on?? Not in a "where-do-we-stand" way, but in a "what's up what's happenin' with you" kind of way. Blah. Dating sucks.
sunami sunami 9 years
Great advise! Get the number and out the question "when shall we meet again?" into the conversation. Pretend his not calling doesn't bother you. Find out his side and work from there!
sugarbritches sugarbritches 9 years
Good luck, I think it's good advice.
Jezzabella Jezzabella 9 years
I like her advice BECAUSE you aren't playing games .. you are giving it one go .. so you won't be left wondering what if.. and if its a no go then atleast u say u gave it a shot and u move on instead of dwelling on it .... Great advice!!
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
I also want to add, that if you did sleep with him and he "got what he wanted" (as someone so kindly put it) and doesn't need you anymore, do you really want a jerk like that? Quality men CAN retain interest in someone after sex... it is possible. If it is impossible for him, then you don't need that crap.
stardust3900 stardust3900 9 years
Best no call advice I've ever heard!
Advah Advah 9 years
Hahaha love the advice! I agree with the 'if he doesn't call he's not interested', but you can't reduce every single person you meet to a generality. So I agree even more with the 'how to break that rule'! :D I'm not a fan of the whole dating-game, sometimes if you want to know something the best way to get it is ask.
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
Hmm, so in a week & a half, he called you up and asked you out 4 times, then the last 2 weeks you've heard nothing? Move on. you said you've been happily dating, so just continue with that & forget about this guy.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
Word, Dear Sugar! Just what I was going to say.
maddiemay maddiemay 9 years
On one hand I agree- he may just not be interested, HOWEVER, you live once.. what do you really have to lose? At least you'll know and you move on.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
It's amazing what we choose to see and what we choose NOT to see. I personally wouldn't go to the effort of tracking him down and calling him up. If a guy is interested, you will know.
muchacha muchacha 9 years
i think if you want one more shot you should go for it.. unless you truly know in your gut that he would have called by now, and in that case, don't call him.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
LMAO @ the "whhheee!" move on, there'll be others...there are ALWAYS others.
Marci Marci 9 years
Very funny citizenkane! :D And I agree with you! I rarely agree with E. Jean, but I do this time. Will wonders never cease.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I am with Rock and Republic, but if you are that curious (and live under the misconception that he may have also lost your number or is waiting for you to make the next move) find his number and call him and leave him a message re just wanting to know how he is. I wish you luck but don't be too surprised if he does not call you back. Sorry
DCStar DCStar 9 years
I agree! Get his number and call him. Stop stressing out.
blingbling blingbling 9 years
I do agree that if he wanted to call or find you, he would. He knows where you live, right? Or maybe he lost your # too and he doesn't want to drop in an hour out of his way and risk looking like a stalker. ;-) Oh, the dynamics. If a GUY showed up on your doorstep saying OMG I LOST YOUR NUMBER I'M SO SORRY!! he wouldn't be a stalker (unless you were avoiding him) but if YOU do it, that's the risk you take. Can you look at your cell phone bill online to get his number? If not, I say drop in (or google, or whatever you need to do to contact him) but be prepared for the brush off. Maybe it's just one big misunderstanding, but I doubt it. You would satisfy your curiosity, though.
nikodarling nikodarling 9 years
I'm sorry but he's just not that into you. If he wanted to call you he would. End of story.
Esix Esix 9 years
Us guys know how to retrieve a lost number...
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
Historygal3, yep! i was just going to write that... then i saw your comment. so yes what if he lost your #?
Historygal3 Historygal3 9 years
What if he lost your number?
fleurfairy fleurfairy 9 years
Personally, I wouldn't call him. Chances are he's just not that into you and hoped that by not calling he wouldn't have to tell you so. I think calling would just make you even more confused/angry/hurt. File him off in the cabinet with all the other jerks in the world. A guy is never too busy to call if he's interested. And he already said he hates "needy girls." Move on.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
That advice made me laugh my ass off. If only all women followed that advice, if he doesn't call he isn't interested. It's so true, love E Jean. I agree that you should call him and see what's up. If he gives you some lame excuse rip that number to pieces and GIVE UP. You will find someone just as great. However, I'm curious why you left such a fabulous man in the first place. Was it just one of those he was great but wasn't great for me situations?
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