Skip Nav
A Letter to the Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law I'll Never Have
Stop Fooling Yourself, Girl! 3 Signs He's Clearly NOT Into You
How a Stranger's Comment Changed the Way This Woman Thinks About Relationships

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

Dear E. Jean,
I’m so frustrated! I’ve been dating the most fantastic and wonderful guy for the past month. We are crazy about each other. But there's one minor problem. He won’t have sex with me.

Don’t get him wrong. I can vouch for his capacities — we made love on the first date. But since then he’s always telling me how he’s going to “ravage me” and yet, he never does.

The other night I put on a navy-blue see-through teddy that cost me $200 and he fell asleep on my bed! It’s driving me nuts! If he doesn’t start putting his God-given resources to better use, I’m going to be terminally cross-eyed. A number of my friends have suffered from the same exact problem with successful and attractive men. What Gives? — Flummoxed

To see E. Jean's answer

Miss Flum, My Flame,

Although I believe a woman should enjoy a romp whenever she wishes, in your case I am going to invoke the fabled Flum Rule:

Never sleep with a man until you’ve flogged his trembling
carcass into a state of frenzy bordering on insanity. (I.e.
until he’s fallen in love with you.)

The male animal is programmed for the chase. (This assures the next generation.) I promise you, the more obstacles you put in front of him, the more he will burn to overcome them. (Note: Lingerie costing $200 does not constitute an obstacle.)

That said, he could be tired, ill, over-worked, stressed, diabetic, depressed, in love with someone else, not turned on by you . . . or any combination of a thousand things. Stop hurling your exceptionally charming self at him, and discover what it is.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and

Join The Conversation
maggie1966 maggie1966 9 years
As soon as I read this, my immediate reaction was "uh-oh,gay man alert".
MartiniLush MartiniLush 9 years
Ok, I read this post to several of my gay friends and they all agree - he's a closet case! Dunno if that is true or not, but may be something to consider. I hope it more the case that Karlotta is right!! :-)
MissChita MissChita 9 years
Rule #1: Dont give it to him on the first date!!! Now, with that said, it could be a few resons why he's not letting you 'have' it. Some are the reasons that Jean stated in her reponse. But really do need to just sit down and talk to him and find out why. And let him know that you want it and its starting to frustrate you. But first find out whats wrong with him. Hopefully, he'll be truthful, but if you end up dating someone else or this one works out for the long run, just keep in mind, dont give it up on the first date. The chase is already gone w/ you before it even started. Good luck!!
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Hmm this is strange. I think maybe because he already had you on the first date there is no challenge and no chase and he's just not as excited about it anymore. Don't make it so easy for him to get laid I guess. Also, I would just ask him straight up what is wrong. Yes, men have fragile egos, but if you can't talk about issues with your partner, what is the point of being with them? Just be careful how you bring it up. Good luck :)
kathynyc kathynyc 9 years
I agree with many previous comments. If he wasn't that into you, or got what he wanted, he wouldn't' be around now. Unless he's gay or with someone else, he seems like a great guy...and you should keep him around :)
kiwishe kiwishe 9 years
I know it's early into dating him, but are you sure he's not gay or with some other girl?
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
i have to say that he is was only with you to have sex, he would be long gone. So you aren't having sex anymore, yet he is still around? Why? I say ask him. But then again, what do i know???LOL
smoochiez smoochiez 9 years
it doesnt matter if you put out or not within a certain amount of time, he is just not that into you. guys go for what they want regardless, he just doesnt want you.
lilprincess lilprincess 9 years
I agree with Karlotta like everyone else. I also don't think it's a case of 'you gave it up too soon and now he doesn't want it cuz it's easy.' If that were the case, he wouldn't be around at all.
aLovelythang aLovelythang 9 years
Love it Karlotta, that is so the truth!!
shernic82 shernic82 9 years
Maybe he feels like there is too much pressure. You're just handing it to him on a silver platter. I agree with what others have the end of a date, tell him you're exhausted and send him on his way! Maybe he feels that everything has been built up so much, he won't live up to your expectations anymore, as well.
Mythandariel Mythandariel 9 years
I am sorry to say this, but you may have just given him what he wanted. He may have just been in it for the fun of conquering you and now is basking in the glow of you throwing yourself at his feet. Gather your self respect, wear a two piece long sleeved flannel long john and see what he does. Maybe if you stop throwing your assets at him he will start throwing his at you.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
I am curious to know how this turns out..after all the advice that has been given so far..please keep us updated.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
Karlotta, I dated a French guy for a little over a year...and during that whole year we didn't have sex. It drove me crazy. Turns out he wanted to save it for marriage (even though we're both not virgins). He felt it was skanky when I would bring up the topic. He made me feel like something was wrong with me. In the end I cheated on him and dumped his ass. Couldn't do it!
mlen mlen 9 years
karlotta you cracked me up lol
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
Karlotta: shrivel and fall off! :lol: LMAO Ay yi yi. I'm going to add that either he's already thinking of you in a manner of 'my ol' lady' or he's got an erection problem. The next time he goes ahead and wants to have sex, try new stuffs on him, or give him BJ or HJ without expecting intercourse. Maybe that'll encourage him :p
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 9 years
I have to agree with kgtg1. Are we still stuck on these silly "rules of the game"? That "Don't put out on the first date or he'll lose interest" shit is nonsense that women tell themselves in order to feel better about getting ditched. If he lost interest in you, it's not because the thrill of the chase was gone, it's because he lost interest in YOU, period. If having sex with with guys turns them OFF of you, then either they thought you were terrible in bed, or they found you so gratingly irritating that it wasn't even worth the sex to hang out with you again, or they're all insecure jackasses who get off on putting notches on their bedposts. In other words, if after the sex is over, your personality and wit failed to keep them interested, why are we blaming the failure on first-date sex? See what I'm getting at? The only logical conclusions are that either you're not the catch you thought you were, or you have terrible taste in men. Figure it out, accept it, and remedy accordingly. I've said it before and I'll say it again - remember that sleeping together on the first date means he was right there in the bed with you. How is it okay for a guy to think less of a girl for doing exactly what he was doing? If he's going to turn it around and use it against you, then he's a douchebag anyway and it's his loss, NOT YOURS, nothing to cry over! So please, for the sake of women everywhere, stop playing these childish games and enforcing ridiculous male-chauvinistic double standards.
happiness80 happiness80 9 years
@ 22: being involved with someone else does not stop a guy from having sex with a woman who is throwing sex at him!!! guys dont work that way LOL. karlotta might be right or he has some real issues.
amybdk amybdk 9 years
karlotta! i have a little girl crush on you now!
Brooklynbee Brooklynbee 9 years
He feels guilty about something. I bet you anything he's involved with someone else.
Bald Bride's Wedding Photos (Video)
Should I Cheat?
What Men Want in a Girlfriend
How Lemon Water Affects Sex Drive
From Our Partners
Latest Love
All the Latest From Ryan Reynolds