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Ask a Frenchman: Can I Turn a Hookup Into a Relationship?

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a man born and raised in France will offer his common sense advice. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:
I am a "good girl" serial monogamist and most recently I find myself in a relationship that can only be defined as a constant series of hookups with the same person.

We hung out for four months prior to any hookup occurring and other than the occasional we-aren't-together-reminder, it could be defined as any other relationship. I wouldn't label him as a douche or anything like that, but I'm dealing with someone with clear commitment issues (he never had a girlfriend) who finds it difficult to trust. (He was burned by his childhood best friend.)

That said, what is one to do in my position? Continue being available, hoping it turns into something committed, or end this in hopes he realizes his loss? It's easier said than done to simply move on; my question is how can I turn a hookup into a relationship?

— Wannabe Girlfriend

To see the Frenchman's answer,


Dear Wannabe Girlfriend,

I think you're thinking way too much. It's possible to turn a hookup into a relationship, but it takes two people. I think you know that this man does not want a relationship right now, so I say: enjoy yourself as is, or dump the guy. As we say in France: un de perdu, dix de retrouvés. Translation: "one lost, ten found."

Signed, A Frenchman


Join The Conversation
burmajade burmajade 8 years
turn the page, and don't waste any more time on that chapter. frenchman is wise.
cotedazur cotedazur 8 years
French comedian Gad Elmaleh does a great skit about the saying "un de perdu, dix de retrouvés"... he breaks up with his girlfriend and keeps wondering, where are the ten girls that are supposed to be waiting for me now?? But I think the Frenchman is right. Your only hope is that the guy is really clueless and doesn't realize what he's supposed to be doing in a relationship - you say he's never had a girlfriend, so maybe he doesn't know what a relationship consists of. You could try telling the guy you need more... after all, you don't risk losing much if he says no. good luck!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
He'll become your boyfriend in a quarter to never and get real already.
janneth janneth 8 years
The Frenchman is correct with his short response. It is what it is, no use beating around the bush. His commitment issue is so lame. You can and will find someone much better for you.
SpilledCandy SpilledCandy 8 years
Trust me, no man will ever see you as more than a hookup once it starts. They are experts at compartmentalizing women in this way, and once a booty call, ALWAYS a booty call. Cut your losses and move on.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
I'm still hung up on the "he was burned by a childhood friend" excuse as justification for his fear of committment. If a guy said that to me I would cut ties. Immeadiately.
mcjx3 mcjx3 8 years
i agree completely with what he says, although i won't ignore the fact that it's very hard to end something with someone with the idea in your head about a future with that person. but this is what i always say "what's meant to be will be." and if you're meant to be with that person then he will be there, be it sooner or later.
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
I love straight to the point short answers. I agree. Enjoy what you have, a no strings hookup or move on to a guy that is bf material. This guy made it clear that he is not looking for a relationship. Hint, hint...he is not bf material.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
It is what it is and will never be anything else.
French-Kiss French-Kiss 8 years
And "un de perdu 10 de retrouvés " it's always what we say and never what happens XD I hate when my friends say so... I prefer "1 de perdu, 10 a chercher" (1 lost, 10 to seek)
French-Kiss French-Kiss 8 years
Pfff i'm desapointed, the frenchman's answer isn't really good XD I also think you should move on, because he has to learn from his mistakes and here you are juste waiting him to come back, so he can quite feel good to think you'll always be there ! ^^
nikkisoda nikkisoda 8 years
Move on!! "who finds it difficult to trust .(he was burned by his childhood best friend.)" That is such a lame excuse. Who has not been burned by someone!? This man clearly sees you as only a hook up and wants nothing more. I think it is pretty clear from the information given. Please pardon me for the movie plug but "He's Just Not That Into You"
Marci Marci 8 years
Completely agree with the Frenchman here. You can't 'turn' anything. It's either a mutual interest or it isn't, and it doesn't sound like it in this case. I also say enjoy it for what it is, if you can, and if you can't, move on.
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