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Ask Two Guys About Guys: Why the Incessant Package-Adjusting?

Colin Nissan and Sean Farrell of Don't Be That Guy fame have graciously agreed to answer some burning questions we women folk have about men. You guys were not loving their answer to a woman's question "Why isn't he calling me?" but this week they head into less controversial territory. Check it out!

This week's question: "Why do men need to adjust their packages so much?"

To hear what the Two Guys have to say,


What’s simply written off as a lewd display of machismo is often a great deal more complex.

Climate plays a critical role in male package adjustment. In the humidity of summer months many guys experience what the medical community refers to as Swamp Balls or Jungle Johnson. Shifting things around is often our only hope for relieving this dreaded, Amazonian discomfort. Scientifically speaking, when the crotch heats up, the ball sac loosens, thinning the skin and causing temperatures to rise. Our balls begin to slide haphazardly against one another, not unlike two Jell-O-lubed wrestlers jockeying for position in the ring. It’s our job to step in and separate the two to give them time to cool off.

Underwear physics are also worth discussing. In the world of briefs, sometimes we simply need to push the curious old turtle back into its shell, if you know what we mean (the turtle is our penis.) With boxers, it’s very common for the fabric to ride up into the crevices of our inner thighs and to drag an excruciating pube or two with it. Rolling the fabric down must be done very carefully to minimize the pain, which explains why our hands are actually inside our pants a lot.

Hopefully the next time you see a guy fiddling publicly with his privates, you’ll be able to temper your disgust with a little empathy. It’s no picnic going through life with a penis, balls and a code of decency all at the same time.

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